August 27, 2006
Meet the Flockers: Andrew Simone
My name is Andrew Ryan Simone. Born the son of a preacher of man in St. Louis on January 29, 1980, my parents moved to New Jersey before the completion of my first year. My father, realizing the ministry was not his calling, did the only logical thing a man with an M.Div would, sell replacement joints to hospitals. He has moved up the world of medical sales ever since. My mother, when not raising my sister Rebecca and I, worked in Real Estate. We moved around New Jersey with a slightly more than reasonable frequency and my mother, sister and I ended up, during my formative high school years, in Princeton not far from the University. I do not have a Jersey accent; but I do, apparently, have the Jersey attitude according to some of my friends. I am not sure what that means.
The day before high school graduation I was kindly informed by the Principal that I would be allowed to graduate. I cut classes often to play video games and sleep. When I did attend class, I hadn’t done the homework and would most likely sit in the back reading philosophy (not understanding a word) and fiddling with a Rubick’s Cube.
For some reason colleges accepted me.
So, very much my father’s son, I did the only reasonable thing an East-Coast Presbyterian would do after graduation and attended a Californian, (extremely) Roman Catholic, Liberal Arts school named Thomas Aquinas College which was modeled after St. John’s in Annapolis. There havoc was wreaked. (I am told it is improper to write “wrought.”)
After said havoc, “per Civatatem Californiae, promoverunt Andrew Ryan Simone ad Gradum Baccalaureatus Artium” which loosely translates to “doomed to work at a liquor store for the next three years.” Gleaning enough material at the store for the Great American Novel or (at least) a mediocre screen play à la Clerks I decided to go to Seminary.
For those flummoxed, I would remind them of Christ’s first miracle and Acts 2:15 –despite what the Baptists may have you believe, booze was not foreign to the Apostles.
That pretty much brings you up to date. I am currently looking at doctoral programs in Continental Philosophy and my greatest fear, outside of not being accepted somewhere, is ending up at Baylor in Waco, Texas (no offensive, Texans, but I much prefer the Northeast) which is well suited to my interests.
Here are a few oddities and clever lines that I could not fit into the narrative thrust:
I’ve been to Las Vegas once and it was for a funeral.
The summer of 2000 I was a glorified chauffeur for United Arab Emirate students who were learning English and how to fly Cessna airplanes.
In my more courageous times I consider myself a writer; but in my more realistic times, never having published, I consider myself an artist without a medium.
Despite living in California I have not learned to love rock climbing.
I prefer my wine like my wit, my beer like my Existentialists and my women like my professional boxers.
Being the son of a preacher man is not as pleasing to the ladies as some have said.
I attract poets like shit does flies.
My middle name was almost Scott.
All my interests, both academic and personal, can be boiled down to this: understanding what it means to be profoundly human.
Who’s next?
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4 Responses to “Meet the Flockers: Andrew Simone”
No Texan would take offense at your distrust of Waco.
That is both relieving and distressing to hear.
Your instincts were correct. I get depressed even driving through there from Dallas to Austin.
Tell me about it. I have driven that stretch a few times myself, while I was wandering from coast to coast in my car.