January 6, 2007

Washington Post Neologism Contest

Each year, the Post asks readers to submit new definitions for pre-existing words. They are just about the wittiest thing I know of (which, of course, may be damning with faint praise, depending on your assessment of my sense of humor).

Here is the list in its entirety (I tried but failed to find a link to the Post piece itself. Enjoy.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.

Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.

Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.

Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.

Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.

Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.

Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.

Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.

Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.

Oral-B: Monica’s grade on her last intern evaluation.

posted by in comedy, jokes, language | * | 4 comments 

comments

  1. Brenton Norman on March 11th, 2007 at 10:01 pm

    Can you tell me how one enters the Washington Post’s annual neologism context? I have a few entries I would like to submit.

    Brenton

  2. John Buaas on March 11th, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    Brenton,
    I have no idea; I have trouble even finding the list in WaPo’s own archives.
    I’d say your best bet would be to write the newspaper. I hope you’ll let us know what you find out.

  3. Lisa D on March 22nd, 2007 at 12:16 am

    Be sure to check WaPo’s previous-year archives if you can find ‘em; I have had this ‘Neologism contest’ in my email files since mid-Mar 2005 (and who knows how long it bounced around, possibly misattributed to add credibility, before that?!)

  4. Allison and Busby on February 2nd, 2010 at 8:34 am

    [...] To read the full list, click here. [...]


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