August 27, 2007


Alberto Gonzales Resigns, Hit By Door On Way Out

Alberto_Gonzales.jpg
Mr. Gonzales can really put away the scrapple

Crawford, TX – United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has offered his resignation to President Bush, according to reports over the weekend. The embattled head of the Justice Department joined his long-time friend for a good-bye breakfast at the President’s ranch in Crawford, Texas. Sources close to the Bush Administration’s dining room described a brief meeting between the two men — over a hearty meal of scrapple, goetta, fried Spam, peppered bacon, and huevos rancheros — as being “cordial” and that the President jokingly referred to the Attorney General as “the former Alberto Gonzales” and “Al who?”.


An unnamed Presidential senior advisor who staffed the omelet station disclosed that Gonzales said he felt “relieved” his difficult tenure was coming to an end, and he “looked forward to finding a job in the private sector” that would value his “loyalty, evasiveness, and consistently blunt obfuscation”. The departing chief U.S. law enforcement agent was rumored to be considering an offer to act as a “International Goodwill Ambassador” for the Chinese Toy Manufacturing Industry Trade Association.

At the meeting’s conclusion, Mr. Bush was overheard calling out to the departing Attorney General,

“Don’t let the door hit you where the dog should have bit you!”

at which point in time the large screen door at the back of the ranch house somewhat predictably swung closed and hit Mr. Gonzales on his posterior.

Possible successors for the position of Attorney General include current Solicitor General Paul Clement, former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, and popular actor/comedian Rowan Atkinson, better known as “Mr. Bean”. Mr. Atkinson’s British citizenship and lack of a law degree are not expected to negatively influence the President’s consideration.

posted by Michael Grant Smith in comedy, government, humor, news, politics, satire 

comments

3 Responses to “Alberto Gonzales Resigns, Hit By Door On Way Out”

  1. Cindy Scroggins on August 27th, 2007 at 11:53 am

    I’m beginning to doubt the veracity of this story. Everyone knows scrapple is yankee food.

  2. Michael Grant Smith on August 27th, 2007 at 12:15 pm

    My sources, like many of those in the Administration, are unimpeachable.

    Please consider the Kennebunkport influence. Thank you.

  3. Cindy Scroggins on August 27th, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    Oh, that’s right. I’m sorry I doubted you.