September 30, 2007
The Meaning of Various Movies to Jeff Johnson (2007)
Young Road (1984)
Patrick Swayze plays “Don,” a hunky, hot-blooded truck stop employee
who must fist fight daily to ensure that his customers have the right
to drive their rigs while intoxicated, receive discreet oral sex from
swarthy Latin men who are dressed as women, and pretend they’re in a
union. Things aren’t much better at home, where Don’s parents have
been butchered by the local sheriff for extreme ugliness. Due to
poverty, Don can’t afford to give them a proper funeral, so the dogs
just sleep on top of the corpses. He also plays older brother to both
Rob Lowe “Cade,” a teenager so stupid that dumb things keep happening
to him, and whom also gets a lot of moms in their Tulsa neighborhood
pregnant, as well as a barely recognizable pubescent Paul Giammatti
“Gary” who dabbles in arson and may or may not have taken the bolts
out of a popular merry go round that even poorer children depend on
for entertainment. Vince Van Patten stars as their nemesis “Giffey” a
rich preppy teen who turns out to be having gay sex with the Senator
who wants to shut down the truck stop. ZERO STARS
Tomorrow’s Hope (1999)
Jessica Tandy stars as a grandmother to Brittney Murphy “Hope,” a
naive girl that no one thinks is particularly beautiful or funny.
Tandy must cope with really awkward feelings when the untalented Hope
tries out for her high school’s Sass Line (a combination Pom Pon +
Krunk unit) but ends up getting stalked by pervy janitor Gordon Jump
“Dutch” who mops most of the hallways at school with a mixture of old
toilet water and his own semen. ZERO STARS
Dinky (1985)
Phil Collins stars as a jewel thief with a cock so small it can pick a
lock. His brother “Louie” Bob Hoskins is married to a poodle that
farts. ONE STAR
Calypso (1997)
Hugh Grant stars as a millionaire douchebag “Oliver” who is cuckolded
by his supermodel wife “Tammy” played by Posh Spice and is given even
more millions in the subsequent divorce settlement. He promptly sinks
the money into a Caribbean bar that has live reggae and stuff. He
hopes to reclaim his dignity by bonding with his subservient colored
employees, but behind his back they agree that he is a fucking
asshole, and when he eventually kills a teenage boy by jet skiing
drunkenly, trying to impress “Vicki” Minnie Driver a cosmetic dentist
from L.A. who is in the midst of a divorce herself and whom sometimes
plays an acoustic guitar on the beach and sings original songs that
have no choruses or bridges–there’s a riot and the town burns down
the tavern, accidentally killing the island’s beloved oldest resident
Patchy, and a cynical drunken Australian ex-pat played by Bryan Brown.
ZERO STARS
comments
Mike Topp is the exact opposite of things that are not funny at all.