October 13, 2007
Al Gore Wins Nobel Prize, Tennessee Lottery, 2000 Presidency
Some days are very good days.
Nashville, TN — Former Vice President and 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore continued his recent run of amazing good fortune by winning the Nobel Peace Prize, a $12.3 million Tennessee SuperLotto, and the 2000 U.S. presidential election.
“It’s been a good week,” said the corpulent and avuncular environmental icon. “Tipper used her butter-and-egg money to buy that lotto ticket. We’re going down to the track this weekend to bet on the greyhounds — when you’re hot you may or may not be hot, pending the outcome of Supreme Court decisions.”
Mr. Gore’s apparent winning streak threatened to throw the United States into Constitutional turmoil, however, with his 2000 presidential victory finally upheld after nearly seven years of President George W. Bush’s incumbency. Long-time White House observers hinted that some sort of time-sharing compromise could be in the works.
“Joint presidencies are not that unusual — just look at Nixon/Kissinger, or Ronald Reagan/Nancy Reagan,” said dual-president expert Dr. Anton Lemonhead. “They just started earlier in their respective administrations. It won’t be easy for Mr. Gore to catch up and promote his vision of the future. A chalk line down the middle of the Oval Office could help.”
Florida’s missing twenty-five 2000 electoral votes were found in the lavatory of a Speed-E Fuel-Up gas station located on Alligator Alley near Ft. Lauderdale, ironically contained in a locked box. The missing votes were discovered when the men’s restroom was cleaned for the first time since 1997. Gas station attendant Donnie Ray Eyecrust confirmed the locked box’s authenticity:
“Shoot, back in the Nineties, that ol’ gal Katherine Harris used to be up and down I-75 all the time,” Mr. Eyecrust recounted. “She spent a lot of time at the ol’ truckstop two exits down, too. I reckon she must’ve got distracted and left that ol’ box in one of the stalls.”
For his part, President Gore expressed optimism regarding his agenda.
“I’m smart, I’m rich, and I won that Nobel Prize,” said the author, global warming expert, cinematic wunderkind, and sharp-eyed political maven. “Who you callin’ ‘Sore Loserman’ now, bitches?”
