October 31, 2007


Dear Microsoft Office Outlook Web Access,

How are you? I am fine. Your email program is the third one I’ve had to use in nearly five years at my current place of business. The company’s brisk employee turnover rate is the only thing that compares to how often it adopts and dismisses email systems.


I kind of miss the earliest one, Pegasus—I liked it when a little winged horse appeared at the bottom of my screen to announce a new email’s arrival. Then we switched to some sort of customizable platform made by a company called Icewarp. Have you heard of them? I think our MIS guys found the application on the restroom floor of a nightclub. No mythological animal icons were included with the Icewarp software—not one. Bleh.

How we ended up with Outlook Web Access, I have no idea. Nobody voted, I assure you. The place where I work is far from being a democracy, or even a benevolent dictatorship. More like a fascist oligarchic despotic oppressive nepotistic banana republic. What is Microsoft’s corporate structure?

So, I’ve become accustomed to the little bitty red exclamation points that mark emails as “urgent”. I get it. They’re an excuse for a manager to try to make themselves and their correspondence more important than what is actually the case. I said I get it.

My question: who thought it was a good idea to also include a button that specifically designates emails “low importance”? Seriously. Who is using that button, and why?

Thank you for being huge.

Your friend,

Michael

posted by Michael Grant Smith in comedy, general, humor, internet, software 

comments

7 Responses to “Dear Microsoft Office Outlook Web Access,”

  1. Patrick Burleson on October 31st, 2007 at 8:17 am

    You know, a manager I had at Nortel had a Director that was always marking her emails “High Importance” and his response was to start marking all of his “Low Importance”. It was a funny way to get a dig back at her.

  2. Deron Bauman on October 31st, 2007 at 8:43 am

    are you sure it wasn’t a flying donkey?

  3. India on October 31st, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    A very good question, Michael.

    I just looked back through my inbox to see if there was anything notable about my correspondents’ use of priority markers. What I found is that nearly all of the “high priority” messages come from one person who is perpetually somewhat anxious. If she could make a red exclamation point appear next to her head as she was speaking, she probably would.

    In the remaining instances, the red exclamation point is usually shorthand for “Shit! I fucked up and should have told you about this sooner!” Which brings to mind the sign posted in offices all across the universe, as well as on the inside of my skull, that reads, “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

    I would never have marked any of these messages “high priority.” Then again, I never flag any messages with any priority. If it needs to be done ASAP, I try to indicate this in the subject line. If the person doesn’t respond in a timely fashion, I pick up the fucking phone.

    All in all, I feel completely justified in my habit of ignoring priority markers. In fact, I just turned that whole column off in my inbox, so that I don’t have to see the little nasties at all.

  4. Cindy Scroggins on October 31st, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    I love Michael’s letter–charming and hilarious, as usual. I have to say, though, that I find the high importance marker to be very useful. Maybe it’s because I work in an environment where “high priority” actually means something (hospital/academic health science center), but that little exclamation point really helps me as I work through hundreds of emails each day.

  5. India on October 31st, 2007 at 3:37 pm

    Yes, it might be meaningful if you work in a context in which people agree on some global priorities. In my workplace, one person’s priority is another person’s after-I-finish-everything-else.

    Nobody’s health is involved; only books.

  6. Office Online on November 1st, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    For some reason, I have no clue why, my wife was sending mails marked urgent for the first 6 months on her job. For instance, “Where are we having lunch today?” was read by coworkers as, “WHERE ARE WE HAVING LUNCH TODAY?!?!?!?!?”

    Somebody finally pointed this out to her. I think she gets more replies to mails now.

    If you’d really like an answer, I’d suggest posting it on the Outlook team’s blog at http://blogs.msdn.com/outlook/

    Not meant as spam. Just a thought.

  7. Michael Grant Smith on November 1st, 2007 at 9:04 pm

    Hi Office,

    Thanks for your comments.

    I’m glad your wife’s dining choices are now judged based on merit rather than unfairly dismissed due to excessive exclamation marks.

    Any blog that asks me to post should probably be considered past due for an intervention.

    What’s Bill Gates really like? Is he genuinely friendly or fake-friendly?

    What about Excel?