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October 22, 2007

J.K. Rowling: Iran’s President Ahmadinejad Is Gay

Masters of fantasy fiction Mahmoud Amendinejad and J.K. Rowling

New York, NY — In a stunning setback for British-Iranian relations, author JK Rowling revealed at Carnegie Hall on Friday that long-running arch-villain President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is gay.

Angrily denying the allegation, President Ahmadinejad stated in an official Iranian government news release:

“I am not gay. There are no gay people in Iran. We do not have a gay problem. Therefore, how can I be gay?”

Mr. Ahmadinejad also dismissed suggestions that his recent trip to Columbia University last month was not to present an Iranian perspective on world events as widely reported, but was in fact an excuse to cruise for Art Deco architectural antiques, Lladro and Lalique fine collectibles, and hot college boys.

“Yes, there were six shirtless students helping me move an exquisite fireplace mantle, but the temperature was high and the young men were very hot. I was thinking only of them, I promise you.”

The Iranian President pointedly remarked “what goes around, comes around”, and said the world should wait for Rowling and psychotic American pundit Ann Coulter to arrive at Borders bookstore in Tehran on Dec. 17 for a scheduled joint book signing. A reliably-named Iranian state-run TV executive admitted that a two-hour block had been set aside that evening for prime-time coverage of a “blockbuster” public stoning — a popular form of Iranian justice/entertainment.

“Our SAVAMA secret police have uncovered evidence that Ms. Rowling and Ms. Coulter are themselves engaged in a same-sex relationship,” continued President Ahmadinejad. “Gholam Hossein Mohseni-Ejehei, our Minister of Intelligence and National Security, has in his possession candid videotapes of meetings between those two women. The Minister is incredibly meticulous and astute: he has been studying the tapes day and night for three weeks, even taking them home for continued examination. That’s dedication.”

In Washington, State Department sources denied the U.S. Government had “any involvement whatsoever” with rumors that celebrity squeeze toys Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Rush Limbaugh had selflessly volunteered to travel to Iran to get stoned in the place of Rowling and Coulter.

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