October 15, 2007
NASCAR Fans Need Shots: Most Prefer Bourbon or Sour Mash
America’s favorite vaccination destination?
Washington, D.C. — One of America’s most popular sports institutions suffered a jarring insult last week, after Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., was quoted warning staffers they should receive vaccinations before visiting NASCAR events in the South. Loyal stock-car racing fans expressed outrage — many of them climbing chain-link fences or throwing beer cans and seat cushions out of mobile homes and onto driveways in protest.
“Them’s fightin’ words,” declared long-time NASCAR enthusiast Donnie Earl Grey of Cletus, North Carolina. “Not that it takes much to get me spoilin’ for a fight. Them’s the manner o’ cruel and disingenuously stereotypical misrepresentations what’s endlessly plagued the South since the advent o’ Reconstruction. Rat bastard Washington political-types!”
The NASCAR automobile racing series — despite its huge commercial success and capable marketing machine — has received ever-increasing criticism in recent years, mostly related to its bad-mannered stars, boorish fans, and unfathomable rules and points-scoring system.
“It’s almost as bad as talk radio,” said stock-car racing expert Prof. Bocephus Manifold of the University of South Carolina’s School of Advanced Oval Track Sciences. “People just seem to feed on the anger and confusion. They love the big crashes, too.”
The National Republican Congressional Committee described Representative Thompson’s remarks as “an insult to red-necked, patriotic racing freaks”, while Democratic National Party Chairman Howard Dean attempted to calm what has quickly turned into “yet another partisan struggle between Ford and Chevy”.
“Beer-drinking blue-collar Americans have been part of the Democrats’ core constituency since the beginning,” said Dr. Dean, “and we’re not going to let some other party draft past us on the last lap and take the checkered flag. All the NASCAR drivers do is go left. We like that.”
For his part, Representative Thompson remained unrepentant, stating that the entire affair
was due to several of his congressional aides discussing their upcoming travel plans, and his reply to their emails.
“Vaccination? I didn’t say my staffers needed shots,” said the Mississippi congressman, “I said they should be shot. Why would you go to a NASCAR race for your vacation?”
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One Response to “NASCAR Fans Need Shots: Most Prefer Bourbon or Sour Mash”
Thar makin’ another left turn!