October 31, 2007
Writers Guild To Strike: FEMA Will Send Replacements
FEMA employees posing as strikers rough up a film tycoon crossing the picket line.
Los Angeles, CA – With the threat of an imminent walkout Thursday, 12,000 members of the Writers Guild of America could be replaced by substitutes provided by the United States’ FEMA disaster relief agency. The powerful WGA union represents the writers responsible for typing America’s strategic reserves of TV and movie scriptwriting.
Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers spokesmogul Cecil B. Sony insisted that talks between the WGA and entertainment industry executives were continuing “in good faith”, and FEMA writers would only be used to prevent “a disaster of blockbuster proportions”.
“The bottom line is,” said Mr. Sony, “the Guild got greedy because the viewing public’s fascination with reality TV shows has raised demand for writers to an unprecedented level. Sure, the programs look spontaneous and unscripted, but it takes a lot of talented writing to make them appear that way!”
Industry analysts predicted widespread social upheaval and potential civil unrest if a strike was called, as TV fans would have to cope with choosing between watching worn-out reruns and actually becoming engaged with their own lives.
FEMA Deputy Director Vice-Admiral Harvey Johnson assured television viewers and moviegoers his stand-ins would perform at the highest levels of professionalism and do everything possible to minimize collateral damage in the event of a strike.
“It’s the aftershocks you have to be prepared for,” said the faceless bureaucrat. “We have the whole ‘Office’ Pam and Jim storyline plotted out, no problem—the possible scenarios are almost endless. But what if someone hits the deck on ‘Dancing with the Stars’? A writer has to decide if that particular neo-celebrity gets back up again or is paralyzed for life. Hurricanes don’t have as many variables.”
Sources at major TV news organizations commented off the record that each network had stockpiled enough breaking stories to “last for months” and if they ran out of headlines “we can always outsource our news to China”.