April 11, 2008
Dear Clusterflock,
What gifts do you tend to bring to friends’ houses when you visit (for a party or meal, or for a multiday visit)?
What gifts do you like or not like to receive from people who visit you?
What do you say to guests who ask, “What can I bring?” when you are hosting a do?
(Brought to mind by the Kitchn: Entertaining Tip: Our Answer to “What Can I Bring?”)
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20 Responses to “Dear Clusterflock,”
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This is a great question. If we have flowers blooming in our garden, we tend to take a bouquet of those, in some pretty jar or bottle we’ve saved for just such a purpose. Or sometimes we’ll take some homemade salsas or pesto. Or sometimes we bring an interesting loaf of bread from some artsy bakery we’ve found. Or sometimes we take unusual bottled drinks we’ve found (like the Japanese bubbly water with the CO2 marble inside). Or sometimes we take a bottle of wine that we particularly like. Or sometimes we take something funny that we found at the Dollar Store. And sometimes we take nothing but our smiling selves.
What we like to receive: Wine or liquor. That always makes us happy. But I never expect anyone to bring anything–I’m especially uncomfortable if I think someone brought something believing that such a gesture is required.
When guests ask what to bring, I always ask them simply to bring themselves.
Amy and I usually bring wine. When we go to the farm, lately, we have taken to taking a chocolate ganache cake from Central Market and a bottle of single malt.
We had an interesting conversation with Amy’s mom last weekend. She moved from New York to Texas when Amy and the other kids were young. She said in New York, if you went to someone’s house you made sure to buy something from a bakery — if you made something that was considered cheap. When she got to Texas, it was the opposite, if you bought something it was considered tacky. You had to make something from scratch.
“What can I bring?” Wine spo-dee-o-dee.
oh, and like Cindy, I usually say don’t bring anything. that sort of thing bugs me, those social expectations. as if the wine or flowers or whatever were more important than the people we have invited. (in most cases.)
What about an after dinner liqueur or a pear brandy?
I hesitate to bring wine b/c hosts usually have planned out and paired the wine to what they’re serving before hand.
The nice thing about liqueurs is that they’re nice to have occasionally and usually there will be enough people at a dinner party to go through a bottle, since some of them don’t keep well.
I love to take and receive wine or liquor. I love single malt scotch!
Though it has already been said, my answers to the 3 questions would be:
Wine, wine, and wine, thanks!
I like to take social gatherings as opportunities to help my friends discover new wines that I know and love. I feel like people stick to what they know, so they don’t venture out enough into the world of wine. The gift of wine takes the hesitation out of buying the bottle in case it is not the perfect match.
Although tde brings up a good point that the wine may not go specifically with the dinner, I am not at all offended if my bottle isn’t used that night. It is a gift and can be used at any time if it is not appropriate for the night in question.
Booze
I occasionally bring wine, but since I don’t drink much of it myself and don’t pay attention to it when I do, I never know what to get; it’s a last resort. I’m better at buying six-packs, not that I do much of that. either. But a Guinness is a Guinness is a Guinness.
Anybody can bring any kind of booze to my house, at any time. Except Malibu. I already have a bottle of that, and I expect it to last for the rest of my natural life, thank you very much.
Flowers
My mama hates it when people bring her flowers—”Don’t they know I always have my own flowers?” Which she does, even when nobody’s coming over. Also, flowers make the host(ess) have to drop what she’s doing to trim the ends, find a vase, etc. So I don’t get them for others.
I kind of like receiving flowers myself, however, since I never, ever buy them—my apartment is, like, ninety degrees, year round, and flowers just die overnight. It makes me feel guilty, like I’m a bad plant-parent or something. They make me happy; they make me sad. It’s a tossup.
Food
Most often, I ask if I can bring dessert. Have cake carrier, will travel. Nobody’s ever said “no,” so it seems like a good choice. Note, however, that Mom:flowers::me:dessert. You do not bring dessert to my house unless you are Pierre Fucking Hermé, or unless it’s something you do not expect to see served but that you think I will enjoy snarfing after all the guests have left.
I don’t know where Amy’s mom got her impression of New Yorkers’ attitudes toward homemade goods, but maybe we don’t run in the same circles. In my experience, people are positively amazed if you show any aptitude in the kitchen whatsoever, but especially if you can make a cake. Or even a pie! The proverbial easiest thing! I consider it cheating for me to bring a bought thing, but it’s okay for others to do. Because, really, so few people I know can cook or have the time or space or equipment to do so.
Edible gifts I like to receive are things I wouldn’t get for myself, either because they’re decadent (macarons, fancy chocolates, a nice cheese) or previously unknown to me (Thai chili-tamarind candies, which are totally addictive; saffron-flavored cotton candy, which was worth tasting though essentially vile, like all cotton candy), or, preferably, both. Really, I’m probably fine with anything except cakes, pies, or cookies. Good bread, especially homemade, is very welcome.
Assignments
When friends ask ahead of time whether they can bring anything, I advise either their own sweet selves or something to drink. Alcohol is the most expensive part of any party, so though I provide some to start with, I think it’s perfectly fair to spread the burden around a bit—especially as so few people in New York are able to perform reciprocal entertaining, whether because they have no idea how to throw a party, or because they live in a space the size of my bathroom. The guests get better liquor that way, too, since the only thing I’m picky about is gin and beer, and not everybody shares my beer preferences (though those who don’t are wrong, wrong, wrong).
For people (or “assholes,” as I more often call them, as I dive for the phone with whatever-covered hands) who call on the day of the party, when I’m running around like a chicken with my damn fool head cut off, I reserve special chores. There’s always something I forget to buy or do when I’m preparing for a party, so I keep a running list by the phone, for when the inevitable call comes. If heaven smiles on me and nobody calls, then the person (or “son of a bitch!” as I go for the doorbell with a towel on my head) who arrives first gets sent right back out to fetch things.
Typical booby-prize list items include
* ice
* plasticware, if it’s that kind of party
* flowers, which I will make the bearer trim and envase
* baguettes
* vanilla ice cream
* a light bulb
Long-term parking
This is what always stumps me, which is a bad thing, since I stay with friends a lot. On recent stays I’ve given piles of assorted little presents (books, jewelry, toys), boxes of assorted fancy chocolate bars, and kid presents plus a truly spectacular babka (from Moishe’s; I’ve never yet made a babka myself). And I usually try to treat my host(s) to a meal or two while I’m there. But I need more ideas here.
tde and Kyle: I don’t believe I hang with anybody who knows how to pair wine with anything, but I have heard that giving wine is considered rude in France, where people do have a clue about such things. Flowers and chocolate are the things there, as I understand it. But if it’s really nice wine, and if you don’t expect to see it served (which you never should), I don’t see how anyone could object.
I especially love to receive dessert wines, myself. And port. Do I have a sweet tooth? Why, yes!
India, I place your long-term parking dilemma in the same slot as birthday and anniversary and widely-recognized holiday dilemmas, and I anticipate them by seizing all opportunities to snap up fabulous items that remind me of friends, then hoarding the treasures till occasions present themselves.
Or not. I usually cave in and offer a treasure out of the blue because I get so excited.
Maybe the trends have changed since the 1960’s when my mother would be a young adult attending dinner parties and such. She said there were awesome German bakeries where she’d get things to bring. She’s an awesome cook, so I guess it wasn’t about that.
I’d love special chocolates, alcohol of any kind, and I would love flowers. Some type of odd condiment or something homemade would be wonderful.
Kyle is quite right that one shouldn’t expect a gift wine to be poured that night. Unfortunately some hosts feel obligated to do so.
As tde said, Kyle is right about not expecting wine to be opened that night but that is only for dinner parties proper. When I was in the Central Coast there was often five or six bottles opened at a time to compare and talk about them with spoiled or unredeemable wine dumped (freaking wine geeks) so there was always a possibility your bottle would be open. Plus we generally just drank a shitload (6 people last thanksgiving, 18 bottles of wine).
As for what I bring that can get complicated but nearly always involves booze:
Most of my friends generally think I know something about wine so they always ask my advice or give a rundown on the meal so I can bring something appropriate. However in those situations where I don’t know what is for dinner I try not to bring wine but something more exotic, like an hard to get belgium beer or an apéritif, probably an Eau de vie. Something people never, ever think about buying.
I also like to have a little story prepared about the beverage like how I discovered it, when it is used historically (etc, etc) to give the experience some meaning behind it lest the boozes turns into “that weird shit Simone brought” and gets left on the shelf.
Wine, flowers, chocolate.
A gift of nice tea or coffee is a beautiful thing in my book. I’d like to start roasting so I can make gifts of fresh beans.
I struggle with what to say when people ask me what to bring. Mostly, if I’m inviting you over, I’m planning on taking care of everything, but, because we drink mostly water, our fridge is generally lacking beverages (sure we have beer, soy milk and the occasional bottle of juice, and for the last 6 and a half months or so we’ve not had a bottle of wine in the house because it’’s the one thing my wife asked me to give up with her when she got pregnant), so if asked I might say – “we have [insert appropriate beverages], feel free to bring anything else you might like.”
On the other hand, I always feel funny not offering to bring something when invited. Most of the time, if nothing specific is requested, I’ll bring wine or a nice dessert (purchased).
Really, no gift stands out as my favorite type to receive, but my favorite get togethers with close friends all include guests and host alike in the kitchen working together (even if working, as defined by some of my friends, is just pouring new drinks as needed). I love the camaraderie of a full kitchen almost as much as a great meal.
It is super easy, Joseph. My roommate does it all the time.
India
Your extended thoughts above are wonderful. What a great question. Danny and I struggle nearly everytime we visit someone. Your last paragraph (assholes) is priceless.
“Just your sweet selves,” is what Danny tells folks who call to see what they can bring. Though wine as a gift is always appreciated. A couple friends who “know” bring a fifth of Stoli.
Sheila: Yes, stockpiling gifts is a good idea, and one recommended by Evany Thomas just last week. I do try to do this, but the problem is that then I either forget that I have them, can’t find them when I need them, use/consume them myself, or never think of anyone appropriate to give them to.
While I’m staying with friends and witnessing their way of life, I usually think of all kinds of nice gifts they would appreciate and use. But then I don’t write these ideas down, and so I forget. I need to start e-mailing them to myself, probably.
Amy: Your praise for condiments reminds me that certain beloved mad canners are always giving me homemade jams and preserves. Problem is, I don’t eat much jam or preserves, unless you count Nutella. So these jars tend to accumulate in my pantry, and as I add the 2008 vintage of So-and-so’s Fruit Jam, I often find the 2007 jar, and maybe the 2006. I appreciate the spirit of such gifts extremely, but it’s kind of like having a subscription to the New Yorker. I like the idea of it, but in reality I just can’t keep up.
Joseph: Yes! Tasty tea is always welcome in my house, although I have a mountain of it already. It will all get drunk, eventually. And I have given tea to a hostess at least once, now that I think of it.
Wow, your roommate has quite the setup, Andrew. I totally just have an air popcorn popper. Sweet Maria tells me I need to modify it a bit first, though…
He also has an industrial roaster, Joseph, since he is trying to set up a roasting business.