April 8, 2008
Motherly Advice
“You shouldn’t do the Twist when you’re wearing stretch pants. It doesn’t look nice.”
I was, oh, maybe seven years old.
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“You shouldn’t do the Twist when you’re wearing stretch pants. It doesn’t look nice.”
I was, oh, maybe seven years old.
37 Responses to “Motherly Advice”
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oh, moms.
within six months:
leave the shower curtain open, it’s getting moldy
leave the shower curtain closed, the shower’s getting moldy
It’s true. Moms are like that. On the other hand, ten years later, when I was dressing like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver, she didn’t say, “Lookin’ fine, girl!” or “How about you hike them hot pants up a little higher and tighter?”
My mom said: Don’t spend all your time messing with those computers…get out of the house for once.
Maybe I should have listened.
she also said, if a door opens, go through it.
she also said, Now I am become Shiva, the destroyer of worlds.
Deron, that last observation is so true and so funny that it pushes me somewhere way past laughter.
we understand each other.
’she also said, Now I am become Shiva, the destroyer of worlds’ - that sounds dodgy, what were you doing when she said that?
sometimes i want to kick myself for the things i say
I was looking at the navel in my sun.
I’m pretty sure he was detonating an atomic bomb.
same thing.
My mother was probably looking at my navel, and I was probably gazing at a point somewhere beyond her left shoulder. Contorting my lips in a contemptuous sneer before I swished out the door.
thats an interesting image Sheila
You should have seen me at age seven in my purple-orchid stretch pants and ’shag’ (ahem!) sweater, doing the Twist.
Backhanded Compliment of 2007: “It’s a good thing you have such beautiful skin [ . . . one . . . two . . . three . . . ] because you sure have a lot of it.”
Translated, for you male-identified people out there: “Don’t wear sleeveless dresses.”
Ow! Well, at least a compliment was embedded in there. Somewhere.
Yep. I try to be grateful for those when they come, as I used to get just the backhand. The compliment glued onto the front is a relatively recent technological advance. Ain’t modern science amazing!
My question? “How do you know “younger women’s dresses” from “older women’s dresses?” This from me to my store manager at Saks, circa 1991.
The reply: “Older women’s dresses have sleeves.”
Cindy? Are the apostrophes properly placed? Please correct if not.
out the door to buy tires: remember, they’re going to charge tax.
“I will always protect you if I know the truth. No matter what. Never lie to me.”
–My mother
cotton sheets? they no longer make those.
Washington D.C. - isn’t that where I had the bad chicken?
Dallas. Circa 1982.
“Didn’t you pack anything else?”
“Well, they’re not wearing skirts that short in Dallas.”
“I had planned to take you out to The Mansion on Turtle Creek, but now . . . ”
“I never noticed that you’re bow-legged.”
Wait! Wait! Stop the presses! Best Overall: “You have done yourself irreparable damage.” (Handed down about the same time as the advice concerning doing the Twist while wearing stretch pants.)
“…if your head wasn’t screwed on…”
“Promises, promises.”
Bravo, Rick–you done good!! And don’t all y’all worry about misplacing apostrophes on my account. My blood pressure problem is between me and my God.
My friend Karen’s mom always used to say to us before we went out to, say, get tacos, “Remember who you are and what you represent.”
“You could have been Miss America if you’d just wanted it.”
The first advice I recall my mother giving me: “Eat your sandwich from the edges instead of the middle and you won’t get jelly on both sides of your face.” I was amazed at how well this new approach worked.
Also:
“Don’t eat the snow–it has radioactivity in it.”
“Tie your shoes before you pitch over onto a stob and put your eye out.”
“Don’t be shooting up toward the house.”
My friend Josie’s mom warned us not to walk by that house on Westmoreland on our way to the shopping center and most especially to give it a wide berth if we were wearing short-shorts. Unless we wanted to be snatched and sold into white slavery.
“If you’d known uncle Dode before he got kicked by the mule you wouldn’t be so hateful. You just pipe yourself down mister!”
Tracy, you’ve just ruined my mascara.
Cindy - My mom actually said THAT to me too. Spooky.
So, well, who bought you stretch pants when you were seven?
Precisely, Cooper. However, she imagined I would sit demurely, knees together, ankles crossed, sipping a cup of cocoa and cultivating an apres-ski attitude. Gyrating like a hoochie-coochie dancer — well, it gave people the wrong impression, even though the First Lady had been photographed twistin’ the night away.