April 8, 2008
Open Letter to Michael Grant Smith and Kathy Hilen-Smith
I know that the roots of Maid-Rite are deep, extending all the way down to the level where America’s car-and-junk-food culture began. But tell me the truth: y’all really drive half an hour to eat “loose-meat sandwiches”?
‘Cause I just drove over to Dubuque, Iowa (from Galena, Illinois). Had me some errands. And I remembered something I’d noted on an earlier run to Dubuque: There’s a Maid-Rite in a little strip mall on JFK Road. So I stopped in and ordered me a Maid-Rite. Because it’s a Piece of Americana, and I’d never had one. Got me the basic. The Classic. Mustard and pickles. No onions. I was impressed by the austerity of the garnishes offered. One hundred-eighty degrees from your Chicago-style ‘garden’ hot dog. And the waitress was really friendly.
So I paid for my loose-meat sandwich and took it to go. Out to the car, unwrap the thing, take a bite . . . That was the weirdest thing I’ve eaten in I don’t know how long. No. Sorry. Not weird. Nasty. Really really nasty. After the second bite (okay, bite is wrong — say that I mouthed it — or gummed it — a second time): adios, carne flojo.
‘Fess up, people. You just go for the screen doors and the house flies, right?
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21 Responses to “Open Letter to Michael Grant Smith and Kathy Hilen-Smith”
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I made the trip to an In and Out Burger on our California trip to see what all the fuss was about. I liked it. Others in our group, not so much.
Oh, now, an “In and Out” — those are good burgers! And that’s the truth. I wish they’d move west of the Mississippi.
But that Maid-Rite thing — imagine a White Castle slider. Same peculiar slimy, steamed bun, but the innards have been ground into a kind of chutney. Very very salty, fatty chutney.
what you got against chutney to combine it with that savory wonder?
Nothing against chutney! But I was at at loss how to describe . . . it was indescribable.
Perhaps “loose meat” is all the description one needs.
It is all the description I will need for the rest of my natural days.
FYI - it’s In-N-Out and when I ate meat…mmm…and now that I don’t, they throw together a mean grilled cheese (not on the menu, of course).
Thanks for the correction, Michael! I almost typed In ‘n’ Out, but I knew that that was wrong. Then I got all lazy and didn’t trouble to check what’s right.
in Texas the places my friends who move away miss eating at are whataburger and luby’s, which I totally understand, but if you told someone to eat there they’d like think you were an asshole.
I used to live a few blocks from that very Maid-Rite, Sheila. Never went in, though I was a frequent patron of the adjacent Little Caesar’s. No, I learned many years ago, from the now-closed Maid-Rite in my home town of Decorah, Iowa, that those loose meat sandwiches are best avoided.
I’m told that the best burger in the Sacramento area can be found at the Squeeze Inn (personally the name is enough for me). There’s also a burger joint in Davis that was formerly called Murder Burger (the burger you’d kill for) but they apparently got some flak for the name and changed it to Redrum Burger.
Woman, that post like to make me sick.
Mmmm. Meat pebbles soaking all day in salt, fat and tap water.
Hongry now.
Tracy, them two Maid-Rite bites like to made me sick. Would of been funny if they wasn’t so nasty.
Pedigreed franchise or local downhome roadfood diner, it just don’t hardly matter. What’s bought and sold as food in these here United States is ninety-eight per cent of it unpalatable if not downright indigestible.
I already knew that. I don’t know why I thought it might be otherwise.
I’m sorry to hear your dining experience was less than sublime, Sheila, but maybe that’s what happens when Big Business gets its hooks on loose meat sandwiches.
As I mentioned in my original post, there’s no clear connection between the Greenville, OH, Maid-Rite and the ones Out West. There have been some issues over the years, and a little bit of fragmentation, too. Kind of like all those different versions of Foghat or Steppenwolf that used to tour after their original breakups.
The one we go to is great. Slightly sweet, and never greasy. I haven’t tried any others, so I can’t make a comparison.
It’s still a great little drive up there, though. I was just thinking about Maid-Rites yesterday when Kathy and I were cruising in the Sporty Red Roadster.
Maybe I could ship a Dubuque-made loose meat sandwich or two out to y’all (FedEx Priority) so you could compare and contrast. I am sure you would say that it was not maid rite.
My dad has sent me those frozen Omaha steaks that are packed in dry ice. They are surprisingly excellent, and also the exact opposite of loose meat.
I must say, that’s quite an idea. Ship you and Kathy a couple of inferior loose meat sandwiches all the way from Iowa, packed in dry ice. “Priority Overnight.”
And if I’d won the lottery or come into an inheritance, I might do it. Just, you know, to do it.
Sheila, when you win the lottery/inheritance, go ahead and ship us the loose meat sandwiches and some Omaha steaks. We’ll use the Omaha steaks to cleanse our palates between bites of loose meat sandwich. This will enable us to provide the most useful analysis.
It’s not just that you’ll be able to afford it — how will you be able to afford not to?
Sheila, I will pay you to send those Iowa loose-meat sandwiches to the Grant-N-Hilen Smiths. Really. I need for this to happen. If’n you’re up to makin the trip to Iowa and the Fed-Ex store and all. I’ll PayPal you some cash quicker than a cat can lick its ass, just give me the go-head.
This could happen, Cindy; there is, however, one difficulty that baffles me. I can handle Fed Ex and the dry-ice packs, but it seems critical that the sandwiches be flash-frozen before they are shipped to Ohio. Chilling the things in their natural state may be insufficient. The buns are moist, I’m telling you, and would, I fear, disintegrate well before delivery.
I know that White Castle freezes sliders for bulk sale in the frozen foods department of your local grocery store. Hell, you know that unspeakable staple of mid-twentieth-century potlucks — the green bean casserole? That dreadful melange of canned green beans, canned cream of mushroom soup, and canned onion rings? Campbell’s has created a frozen, microwaveable version of that! So I know that flash-freezing a loose-meat sandwich is possible; I just don’t know how to do it.
Suggestions? (In the meantime, I will visit the Maid-Rite corporate website to see if the company has anticipated my need.)
Why, Sheila, you seem to be aiming for the experience of a Maid-Rite sandwich in situ. Mightn’t it be just as interesting to send a couple of sandwiches that you’ve frozen in your own home freezer, complete with ice crystals on the bun? I mean, do you think it could make the sandwich experience any worse, given your prior description?
Of course, this is your adventure that I’ve insinuated myself into, and I should not attempt to micromanage your urge to go all scientific on us. I apologize, that was poor leadership. I’ll just send my money and be quiet.