May 21, 2008
things that chap my ass
People who don’t use the turn lane.
People who don’t check behind them when walking through a door.
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- Michael Smith: Joel’s Dream Date: Phantom Menace; Cat urine cologne; Deron.
- Joel Bernstein: For the record, if you pay to see this, you are no longer my friend.
- Deron Bauman: Meow.
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- Rick Neece: For the gull-wing, I’m sure it would knock me in the chin every time I opened it.
- Marco: Oh god yes.
- Rick Neece: Chuck, testes, testes, One-Two-Three. I can hear you breathing. (TAP,TAP,TAP) “Is this thing...
- Joel Bernstein: Chuck Testa
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Bathrooms with doorknobs.
People that stop walking and then start backing up without looking. This happens way more often than you’d think.
You know, it’s funny, I always hold the door for people behind me, but it never occurred to me until I read this post that doing so requires one to deliberately look behind one’s self every time one goes through a door. How easy it would be to just go through doors without looking, but we (well, those of us who aren’t asshats) do it unconsciously.
My pet peeve is when I’m in a store and I don’t realize I’m blocking someone’s way (say, in a narrow aisle or among clothes racks) and instead of politely saying “excuse me,” they just stare at the back of my head until I notice they’re standing there and want to get by. This happens constantly. Constantly. It drives me nuts.
Oh, and it drives me nuts when I run into someone I know and they don’t introduce me to the person they’re with. So awkward.
Elevators. Out before in, dammit. Same goes for subways/Metro–in DC where it’s a federal crime or, at least, should be.
I’m with TJ about the elevators–but also, I hate it when I’m walking down the stairs on the Right side, and some asshole talking on a phone is coming up in front of me instead of staying to his or her right–and then the person looks up like I’m in the fucking way. Makes me mad just thinking about it.
And here’s another thing related to Deron’s mention of non-use of the turn lane ( I got a million of ‘em): It chaps my ass when people stopped at a light only turn on their left tun signal when the light changes to green.
Oh–Hummers chap my ass (and I’m not talking about BJs here–the “vehicle”). I always think that the drivers are the sort of people who would see good sport in squirting lighter fluid on homeless people and setting it ablaze to wild laughter.
Returning to the elevators/doors/stairs sort of thing–what about those people who go down an escalator together, get to the bottom, and then stand right there for a little private conversation? Think bowling alley and you will have a glimpse of what needs to happen.
Hummers. Hummer parked right outside the pro shop. Guy outside the pro shop asks Jon, “That your Hummer?” (Why? Dunno. Jon does have this . . . aura.) Jon to the guy, without missing a beat, walking on into the pro shop, “No, mine’s the model with the roof-mounted M-1097 Avenger Stinger.”
People who complain about gas prices while sitting in their idling SUV waiting to pick someone up. If you’re sitting for over a minute, turn it off. You waste more gas letting it run than you do turning it off and on again.
Plus, you look like an ass.
Men who drink skinny soy lattes.
People who arrive at a stop when I am waiting for the bus and ask, “Has the bus come yet?” Logic dictates that if the bus had arrived, I would not be standing there.
ALSO, people who get on the bus and then start fiddling in their handbags or wallets, rather than having their ticket or their money in their hand ready to go.
But this is just the beginning. Yes I am a frustrated person. I need help.
Not using a turn signal: they must teach people this in St. Louis driving schools.
Oh, and people who treat retail clerks like they’re idiots.
Most people in public places.
Seriously.
Spontaneous block parties or reunions that form in grocery store aisles.
Bush-Cheney bumper stickers.
I’m surprised that Daryl has left only 2 comments thus far. The door’s open, hon–let it all out.
…and then there’s this: you’re looking through ads in the Sunday newspaper and you see something you need is on sale. You go to the store right away–and they don’t have it, don’t know anything about it, can’t remember ever carrying that item. A variation of this is a buy-one-get-one-free ad; you get there and there is only one of the items, and you need it but you are sure as fuck not buying it at full price and just forgoing the free one–and they won’t let you have it and something comparable, and they won’t give it to you for half price, and you leave and have to drive over to another store to get one that you pay full price for or maybe even a little more than what they wanted for the one that was to come without the free other.
Corporate speak. I compiled this collection in the past hour during our monthly marketing directors’ conference call.
bring to the table
core competency
leverage
outside the box
disintermediate
at the end of the day
action item
dress-down Friday
best practices
deliverables
incent
key enabler
talk track
get forward movement on this initiative
Incent. What the fuck does that mean??
Incent. What the fuck does that mean??
Naguilty.
Kathy– So they weren’t “rolling out” anything new? Jesus, I wish such phrases would turn to cotton balls as uttered. Choke the sick bastards.
Disintermediate? What the hell does that even mean? “Don’t mediate in the middle”? My capacity for etymology is short circuiting, here…
And I love how “get forward movement on this initiative” sounds like corporatese for “Get your ass in gear, you lazy sack of shit”. Of course, it is one of those days, so it might be just me…
Can someone translate “Step off my man, bitch, or I’ll cut you”?
“Disintermediate” is what you do when somebody’s digging up a corpse and you jump down into the grave and put yourself between the graverobber and the stiff.
Ignernce of the law don’t mean you’re incent.
The most painful part of these conference calls for me is the simple fact that we talk Amercan in our office, and “Get your ass in gear, you lazy sack of shit” is heard commonly in our corridor.
Well, I see that it is 4:35 P.M which is EOD (end of day) for me. My incent to get the fuck out of here is here.
Bye y’all!!
Vanity license plates. I hate vanity license plates and the individuals of dubious character that special order them for their car.
And this has been said, but it bears reiterating: Let people OFF the subway before you push your way on.
Times Square. I work in Times Square (but only through May 30th! Woo!) and I need people to know that it isn’t okay to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture. Of anything. No, I don’t care — get the hell out of my way, I’m late for work.
Can someone translate “Step off my man, bitch, or I’ll cut you”?
Hard-stop to rollout a kick-off of the step-down deal-flow of the paradigm shift. At the end of the day, if you continue to resource my key enabler, my critical path will be an integrated solution of restructuring your core initiative.
Okay. Now I’m going home.
Kathy, you can add “future proofing”, “tasking”, “forward planning”, “evidence-based”.
I myself have always favoured “evidenced-based” solutions over the more novel “full-of-shit” kind.
I for one am sick of holding doors open for other guys. At this point, if he is not directly behind me or if the door isn’t particularly heavy, I keep walking.
“Hard-stop to rollout a kick-off of the step-down deal-flow of the paradigm shift. At the end of the day, if you continue to resource my key enabler, my critical path will be an integrated solution of restructuring your core initiative.”
I think I can die happy now. Pathetic as that sounds.