May 7, 2008
Think carefully now
From questions 2-10 of my application to the Illinois State Police for a Firearm Owner’s Identification Card:
4. Are you addicted to narcotics?
5. Are you mentally retarded?
6. Are you subject to an existing order of protection which prohibits you from possessing a firearm?10. Are you an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States?
An answer of yes to any of these questions would have obliged me to provide detailed documentation.
comments
Leave a Reply
for documentation all you would have needed was this.
How did you answer, Ms. Ryan?
Carefully. And stone cold sober.
I thought you were going to say, “with my cold, dead hands.”
But, no, that would have been me.
I get us confused sometimes.
Is this an owner’s card or an application to carry? Let’s put some questions together that would work for a permit to carry application:
1. Have you ever thought you had finally made it to the bathroom, only to wake up and find that you were pissing on an electrical outlet?
2. Do you own a pair of black gloves that are way too small for you?
3. Does your idea of “concealed” include anything you might decide to do in front of an open window in your house?
4. Quick as you can: whose face is on the target at the gun range?
5. How many cases of ammunition do you have for your weapon at the moment?
6. Do you think the nuclear regulatory commission is interfering with your right to bear arms?
7. When you fuck, where’s your gun?
8. Why the fuck do you think you need a permit to carry what the constitution already says you don’t haf to ask a mother-fuckin…shit, who–what the–
9. Are you currently registered as a Republican?
10. If a Black Bear is about to eat your BBQ at the lake, and they are protected, and there is a big crowd of people behind the bear and in your line of fire, and you fear that, after eating the babyback ribs, the bear will surely head for the tent where your wife is sleeping–do you take the shot, or do you act like a pussy and wave your fucking arms around, losing the pistol–allowing the bear to eat-your-ass Up?
Application to own, not carry. But I’ll play along and answer.
1. Never pissed on no electrical outlet, no matter how fucked up I was.
2. When I need to wear real tight black gloves, I borrow the black leather ‘driving gloves’ my husband uses mainly when pumping iron.
3. My idea of ‘concealed’ is anything the Authorities don’t catch me at.
4. Alfred E. Neuman?
5. N/A.
6. Not really. I never got beyond building a plaster model of a reactor for a fourth-grade science fair.
7. N/A.
8. Huh? No, what the fuck are you . . . I’m not . . . We’re talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.
9. No.
10. I lie down and play dead — because that’s what you do when bears come sniffing around. You wave your fucking arms around and holler when you’re threatened by a mountain lion.
Oh yeah. Mountain lion. Shit.
I knew you knew that. Thought other folks might not, though. And I figured you wouldn’t want it on your conscience if a reader went on vacation this summer and ran into a bear and commenced arm-waving and so on and got killed and eaten.
Bear slapping is a bad idea too.
Oh, you smack a bear, you’re asking for trouble.
In general, I avoid striking wild animals.
Wolverine will find you and burn your car.
Alright, I’m gonna have to link back to this on my blog!
I just hope the state po-lice don’t Google applicants for FOID cards.
[...] Let’s put some questions together that would work for a permit to carry application: [...]