June 13, 2008


Letters To Those Who Have Been Left Behind

Here’s a fantastically insane blog hosting letters written by Christians to non-Christians about why all the good people have up and disappeared from Earth and the lowly heathen jerks have been left behind.

Dear Friend,

Are you looking for me? Is the world looking for millions of missing people that have just vanished in an instant? Are all little children around the globe part of the missing group? If so, I can tell you what has happened. Don’t believe the very convincing lies you will hear. Don’t believe UFO’s got us. Don’t believe some cosmic reaction erased us.

The truth is - are you ready for this? - we’re at a wedding. Yup. In fact, we are the “bride.” The “groom” is Jesus, the Messiah, the Promised One from the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. (Hear, O Israel!) He has come to take His cride, the true Church and all little innocent ones, out of this world because of what is coming.

Yes, yes, I know. There are all sorts of Christians running around now insisting that this explanation CANNOT be the correct one because THEY are Left Behind. This may include some very visible Christians, like maybe a Pope or something. What does this tell you? It tells you that any “Christian” left behind was a phony. They may have said they believed, blah blah blah, but God knows the heart of men, and He has seen that they are fakes.

It’s like fan fiction, only 1000x more pathological.

(thx Sean)

posted by Jeff Ventura in humans, mysticism, odd, religion, spirituality, the world come of age 

comments

13 Responses to “Letters To Those Who Have Been Left Behind”

  1. Deron Bauman on June 13th, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Dear Y’all. I’m better than Y’all. Kiss my ass. IN HEAVEN. Bitches.

  2. Cindy Scroggins on June 13th, 2008 at 9:42 am

    I fear for what Daryl will have to say about this.

  3. Jeff Ventura on June 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am

    Dear Losers,

    The harp thing is true. Clouds smell like vanilla. Angels will get naked upon request. Who knew?

    Enjoy the heat.

    Wish you were here? Of course you do.

    – Not a Loser

  4. Chief Chicken in Charge on June 13th, 2008 at 9:54 am

    Have fun drinking blood, LOSERS!

  5. Jeff Ventura on June 13th, 2008 at 10:05 am

    Dear Loved Ones and Friends,

    You all look like ants from up here.

    Love,

    Charles

  6. Jeff Ventura on June 13th, 2008 at 10:07 am

    Hey Bob,

    I’m in Heaven because The Rapture up and happened. But fuck me if I didn’t forget my watch. Can you bring it with you?

    Oh wait — you’re not a Christian so you can’t. That’s right. Suck it, loser!

    – Trev

  7. Deron Bauman on June 13th, 2008 at 10:48 am

    kiss my god fearing ASS.

  8. Michael Smith on June 13th, 2008 at 11:41 am

    Dear me,

    God, I hope I’m not reading this letter.

    I SUCK!

    Me,

  9. TJ McFisty on June 13th, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Dear Everyone Else,

    God farts too much and didn’t flush this morning. Fucker.

    Glad you’re not here,

    Heavenly Me

  10. Jeff Ventura on June 13th, 2008 at 11:59 am

    Hi Mom,

    Where the hell am I? It’s dark and smells like cabbage. I’m so scared. This was not what I expected. Let’s just say the marketing was great and leave it at that.

    I miss you guys. This…this is weird.

    Love,
    Billy

    PS — Don’t let anyone play the Xbox, OK?

  11. Daryl Scroggins on June 13th, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    I always thought the Bride (humans) and Groom (Jaaayzus) image was odd. In-dick-ative of the way Christians never seem to take things on to the next step. Jesus goin every way, bangin night and day. Too literal? Well they would have a rough time insisting on that, having made such a stink over the way the big B means exactly what it says (in English, as it is in Heaven).

  12. Cindy Scroggins on June 13th, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    That’s my guy.

  13. Letters From Christians To Non-Christians « memoirs on a rainy day on June 15th, 2008 at 2:33 am

    [...] Letters From Christians To Non-Christians Published June 15, 2008 asides , blogs , politics-social-racism Tags: asides, blogs, Clusterflock, letters, Religion, social This is a bit insane. This blog features letters written by Christians to non-Christians on why all the good people have up and disappeared from Earth and the lowly heathen jerks have been left behind. (via cf) [...]

Leave a Reply