June 4, 2008
Universal Advice About Getting a Mortgage
A friend of mine is buying a house for the first time, and he’s going about the mortgage process. He asked my advice and this is pretty much what I told him.
Right now, the mortgage business is like like a giant glass box with a dozen hornets’ nests ripped asunder in it, and the hornets each think the others ruined their home. So they have lasers, which they kept in their bedside tables. And they’re shooting each other with them. And each time one gets hit by a laser, instead of dying and slowly diminishing the larger problem, it splits into three more angry hornets, sort of like the large asteroids in Asteroids did. So eventually the big glass box gets entirely filled with expanding, multiplying, irritable hornets and the box explodes, unable to contain the teeming, angry, burning mass. The the hornets take over the world and we all wind up working for them in cubicles, and the sun sets on humanity. THE END.
The mortgage business is a mess and you call the shots, so shop around. Your credit score dictates your interest rate eligibility. Everyting is normalized against FICO, and some lenders consider that more than others. Others look at payment history and debt payoffs more critically.
Even though your credit is likely good, there is an overcorrection afoot: because the major banks shat the bad so badly by giving ARM loans to high-risk buyers who did nothing but drink cheap wine and play online poker, they’re unnaturally tentative when it comes to new loans, especially if the applicant has no prior mortgage history. Still, if your credit is good (which is all about FICO), then you should get a competitive rate. I wouldn’t touch an ARM, though. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Also: nobody in mortgage banking knows “the market has bottomed.” If you hear this from someone, walk away immediately.
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20 Responses to “Universal Advice About Getting a Mortgage”
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If my FICO score is real low, do you think maybe I could get a mortgage from one of those payday loan places?
Yes. They will give you loans and baptisms and surgery and everything. They are Jesus stores, believe it.
I thought so. The man seemed real eager to get my signature.
He’s just very, very, very, very, very nice. You’re just not used to customer service.
I’m just so excited that the American Dream of Home Ownership is now within reach!
Lots of things are within reach at the Jesus Payroll Whoring Stores, LLC. Lots!
I’m taking out another loan today and doing something smart with my money. I’m thinking to be a venture capitalist or whatever those guys are called. Make me some real money!
I have a really cool blog you could invest in. I’m a promising talent, and I wear sandals in the office. What else could you possibly need to know?
Great! Do you have a Paypal account set up?
I so love you.
It’s mutual, sweet thing. And hey, now that we’re friends, maybe you’d like to think about this. I’d cut you a special insider’s deal.
Look, I just managed to buy myself a small, economical car for the first time in my life, so let’s not get too carried away just yet, OK?
“The cost of living is lower in southern Illinois than in [insert name of appropriate metropolitan center].”
“And: you’re only a two-hour drive from St. Louis.”
That’s what they told me the first time I interviewed for a job down there.
That “two-hour drive from St. Louis” has haunted me for years. Think about it.
Jeff
I showed Danny the link you posted above. I’ve been loving the ads for the VW mini and I’d told him about it. He said, “I’ve already gone out and built one for us, it’s $30k. He’s always one step ahead of me. Now, just finding the $$$ to make it happen. Do report your experience with it.
I’m going to quit my job and make ends meet by hitting up payday loan companies, playing the Ohio lottery, and recycling copper.
Sometimes when I’m inside unoccupied houses removing the pipes and wires I forget to turn off the water and power but it’s mostly okay I think.
One time the house wasn’t abandoned and it turns out the people who live there were just at an outlet mall all day and boy it was awkward when they came home.
Oh, and blogging. Anything left over after paying for my son’s orthodontia will be money to just blow on whatever I feel like.
Life is sweet for those of us who know what o’clock it is.
god, hornets with lasers. An apt metaphor if I’ve ever known one. Or just an extremely ossim one.
Oh, great balls of fire! This is what happens when you eat a lot of Mexican food and then decide to splurge and drive over to Big Lots to buy a case of Cup-o Noodles at 30 cents per cup-o when you should be staying glued to clusterflock. I missed out on this whole thing, and now I’m in a panic that I’m too late to get my prayers answered.
Mr. Jeff, do you think the Jesus Store has any money left?
I’m going to start a Loaves & Fishes gas station: everybody pays $1.00 per gallon in advance. The big tank under the station has one gallon in it. Everybody joins hands and prays real hard. The group gets three chances of five minutes each–and if there isn’t then enough to fill all the tanks, that group has to take off and make way for a group that has real faith and isn’t afraid to put it to the test! I’ll just be in the office under the ac, feeding the drop safe. Thank you drive through.
My God — Jesus as a business model. Why isn’t someone really doing this?
Oh wait. Church. Right.
Damn.