August 2, 2008
A Cold-War (Military Industrial) Joke
Okay, so there’s this US Air Force base, and the general in command is a nutcase obsessed with the commie threat against our precious bodily fluids. And, acting on his own authority, he just up and orders bombers to the Soviet Union absent any provocation. This is serious shit. You can imagine the possibilities. Everything is at sixes and sevens, and the fate of the world is at stake. The base is incommunicado, so the President goes so far as to order US army troops to attack the base, even though the guys on the base are “our boys”, and to put the commander in touch. All hell breaks loose.
Anyway, there’s this RAF officer there at the base by way of some officer exchange program, and he’s wise to what’s happened, and he thinks he’s figured out a key to the call-back code. He’s determined to call Washington ASAP, while the bomb squadron can still be called back. But he’s got this problem: the phone lines are out, remember?
Anyway, the base commander thinks they’re under commie atack and he blows his brains out on account of he fears he can’t withstand commie torture, and then a US Army colonel bursts in, and all the colonel knows is that he’s supposed to get the base commander in touch with the President. But then he sees this stiff there in the executive washroom, brains blown out and all, and there’s this RAF officer in the base commander’s office. So the colonel doesn’t like the looks of this, and he marches the RAF officer out of the office and down the hall, where it turns out there’s a working pay phone, and the RAF officer persuades the colonel to let him step into the phone booth and telephone the White House. From that point things go something like this:
“OK. Go ahead. Try and get the President of the United States on the phone. If you try any pre-versions in there I’ll blow your head off.”
“Operator? This is Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. I’m speaking from Burpleson Air Force Base. Look, something very urgent has come up, and I want you to place an emergency person-to-person call with President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon, Washington D.C. Burpleson 3-9180. No, I’m perfectly serious, operator, the President, yes, the President of the United States. I’m sorry. I haven’t got enough change. Um, could you . . . could you make this a collect call, operator? One second, operator.
“They won’t accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents?”
“Well, you don’t think I’d go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do you?”
“Operator, look, ah . . . is it possible to make this an ordinary . . . ordinary trunk call? Well, what do you call it . . . you know, ah . . . oh, ah . . . station-to-station. Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short. Operator, hold on one . . . ah . . . I shan’t keep you a second.
“Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine: I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.”
“That’s private property.”
“Colonel, can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your way of life and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun! That’s what the bullets are for, you twit!”
“OK. I’m gonna get your money for you. But if you don’t get the President of the Unites States on that phone, you know what’s going to happen to you?”
“What?”
“You’re going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company.”
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4 Responses to “A Cold-War (Military Industrial) Joke”
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good story - funny and at the time - realistic of the cold war head space
ot the fifties through to Nixon’s end
and not so far off the actual utterances made or those today by H. Clinton
its just that peter sellers is more funny than H. Clinton
jack
It’s true. Hillary Clinton could not have pulled off the “birdie num-num” scene from The Party.
Dear Sheila,
…long way ‘reound the barn to re-tell Dr. Strangelove.
Sincerely,
The World
My dear World,
I almost always take the long way ’round. Once I’m there, nine times out of ten, what do I find? This shaggy dog.
Your friend,
Sheila