October 23, 2008
Let Your Backbone Slip
So Lucy and I’ve had this exchange about dancing, and I remembered that afternoon years ago when I was sitting down in the mailroom with Margene and Deb, I think it was, and all of a sudden –
I couldn’t recollect the difference between the Monkey and the Jerk. And I got really upset.
I know. I know. So obvious. Sounds silly now.
Well, Deb called Linda and luckily Linda was home (she was a drummer, so she worked nights). And Linda came over and refreshed my memory.
And I will never ever again forget. And if you like, I will teach you not only the Monkey and the Jerk but maybe even the Hully Gully.
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The Hully Gully please.
Will this be added to the clusterflockstock CE lineup?
You bet.
I’ll be offering the following workshops: Peeing in the Woods (girls only), the Gettin’ It On Ritual, and Go-Go Dancing (white Courregges boots and fringe dress optional).
I have always longed to dance but have never been able to get past the intense embarrassment I feel. I guess it all gets sorted when you are a teenager and alas I did no dancing then – my, I’m beginning to sound a tad sad!
So Lucy, would I be gate crashing if I joined in The Hully Gully class? Then if I got the hang of that without to much blushing I could give the Monkey and the Jerk a go!
If there’s a boat, I can offer a workshop in Peeing Over The Side Of A Boat (girls only).
You’ll have to ask Sheila, but my sense is that the Hully Gully is DESIGNED for predicaments such as yours, Phil.
Lucy, I can avert my gaze as I imagine for a girl Peeing Over The Side Of A Boat requires an element of balance.
Yes it has been a 40 year predicament – if indeed you are right that the Hully Gully was designed for those coordinationally (made up word) challenged, I’ll enrol in the full course. I’m hoping it might be residential, the commute would be a bitch!
Lucy, I’m thinking Alek may be coming over on a boat, but I’m also betting she can already pee over the side with the best of ‘em.
Anyone can pee over the side of a boat with my Amazing Pee Chute ($19.95, for a limited time only).
Is it extra to have my name in glitter?
with boats it isn’t so much about balance but more about wind direction, so when there is nor breath, nor motion your glittery APC would be applicable otherwise 2 hands free for holding on to the rigging is better
Well, really, it all comes down to flexibility and muscular control. The peeing, I mean. The sailing, too, come to think.
Cindy, I think the idea of a pee chute is inspired. The sparkly name tag would be dual purpose in assisting with identifying your own and if the ship should becalmed then it could be used to attract the attention of passing ships – having said that, several women peeing over the side will I’m sure do the trick anyway!
Alek, I am am willing to concede that boys have it slightly easier in the peeing over the side of a boat in high winds stakes! I mean we at least have the manoeuvrability, not that different from a joystick in a plane – the fairer sex best likened to flying hands free I guess!
Sheila, this muscular control you speak of – would this be the type of control that if you were tossed on your back by a freak wave would enable you to stem the flow?
i think someone might have to locate the pee shute post to show the reality of the idea for phil
I’m too lazy to look it up. But yes, Phil, I really do intend to manufacture pee chutes for the women of clusterflockstock, as well as for any men who find their own pee chutes to be lacking in fucumference.
Sheilababy, you know your name will be in glitter. Rhinestones, even.
Will the male version be flexible then? I mean we have been used to total flexibility in the directional stakes…..I mean will it only allow me to pee straight ahead? A restriction I’m not sure I could adapt to…having said that if the pay off was my name in sparkles along its length….maybe I could start again, adapt!
Flexibility is a key feature of the pee chute, Phil. How else to spell one’s name in the dirt or snow?
The pee chute comes in a variety of colors and styles. Ms. Mabli’s pee chute, for example, will be pink and have a Hello Kitty theme.
Phil is so very enamored of American pop culture, Cindy, that I’m thinking you might make one for him in the style, say, of a Nudie suit. Like the one Gram Parsons wore, maybe.
Thank you, Cindy, for putting my fears to rest….I was thinking that lack of flexibility may affect demand for the Pee Chute. I’m assuming that most themes could be accommodated? I’m thinking perhaps either something that would match the iphone (black of course) or one with a Knightrider theme, the thought of red flashing LED’s along its length is quite appealing.
We don’t get to much snow here but I quite like the effect that can be had with sand or dirt.
Inspired Sheila! A Nudie suit/Gram Parsons themed pee chute. Perfect or perhaps Peefect
Well you are enjoying yourself anyway, Phil. That’s always the main thing.
I am an artist. I did not go to school all those years, only to be told by others how to design my pee chutes.
God damnit.
Ok. This has bugged me for a while and I can no longer hold my tongue.
Velcro or tape? And this chute, will it have wings or have the terrorists already won?
Tracy, Tracy, Tracy. The pee chute has no need for fasteners. That’s why god gave you hands. It simply slips onto the existing pee pod.
It’s an elegant design, if I do say so myself.
Cindy, just as you gave Tia Resleure free rein with respect to the bird you commissioned, I say to you, Let inspiration be your guide in designing my pee chute.
Why, thank you, Sheila. I appreciate your trust and confidence in me.
The way I see our relationship, trust and confidence are handmaidens to entertainment value.
You said handmaiden.
Hand.
Maiden.
Cindy, I note you said “The pee chute has no need for fasteners. That’s why god gave you hands. It simply slips onto the existing pee pod.” Now have I got this wrong or am I missing something?, I have something to slip something onto…..girls anatomy? Is there some sort of external appendage that has passed me by or have I just been in contact with the wrong sort of girls?
I get the feeling I am about to be embarrassed here…..I’m ready for it…go on, give it to me.
Oh, my. I have never been a good teacher–this would be a good time for some visual aids. But I’ll give it a try:
The pee chute is rather like a tube. It gets scrunched up onto the female’s fleshy nasty parts, so as to form a seal. The pee then flows freely down the tube. If the user is a male, his pee pod can slip nicely inside the tube. If the female has a good-sized pod–as I understand some females do–she can slip her little pod inside the opening of the tube, as well.
Perhaps another flocker would like to help me out with this. I suddenly feel very much alone.
Cindy! Rest assured you have explained very well. My knowledge of these areas of the female anatomy isn’t extensive but I feel that I have a working knowledge of the said area and can sort of picture what how this might unfold so to speak!
Alone, you can imagine how I feel. I sort of feel like that over inquisitive child in his first Biology lesson…asking away when the rest of the class know! Your description made me giggle a little to the point where I had to say to myself
“No Phil, move away from the thread”
Thank you, every last one of you for your patience. You’ll have to excuse me. I’m English, you know.
Phil, you are certainly not alone in your confusion over pee chutes. Please note Tracy’s peculiar questions above. (Wings? What the hell is he talking about?) I believe that I am very likely the only person in the entire world to possess a full and subtle understanding of the pee chute. Your questions bring you closer to that understanding; at this point, you rank perhaps fourth or fifth worldwide in pee chute knowledge. Don’t underestimate yourself!
Cindy, I had no idea there was a ranking system. To be elevated so high so fast is quite moving. If you are able to offer any pointers to improve my knowledge I’d appreciate it. I guess one never truly understands the pee chute until one lives with and wears one over an extended period. Perhaps something I can aspire to?
That’s the spirit, Phil. Someday you’ll get there. Some day.
Y’all see what nasty dancing like the Hully Gully leads to? Boys and girls speaking freely about matters of the flesh.
One summer (I think I was eleven) I was so bored I went to a week-long Vacation Bible School with a friend. Mostly we did arts and crafts. Then I got a peek at what they had in store for kids the next summer. Diatribes against dancing, amongst other things.
That ended my brief flirtation with organized religion.
OK have fashioned something out of card…looks kinda nice…should it have hurt upon insertion? I feel that really I should only be playing with a patented version of the “Pee Chute” Fashioning my own from card and wire I guess was always going to be fraught with danger.
Sheila, you got out at just the right time…it wouldn’t have stopped there, be sure of that.
Although they may have been strangely in favour of pee chutes as it would prevent you having to touch yourself…pleasures of the flesh and all that!
Careful, now, with those card-and-wire contraptions, Phil. Does the phrase “death by misadventure” mean anything to you?
Sheila, I know, I should know better. You would have thought that all of those Coroners Court attendances would have taught me something.
True, you’d have thought. But you are, after all, English.