December 2, 2008
Dear Clusterflock,
Do you remember what you exclaimed the last time something went horribly wrong?
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I do, but it’s far too sweary for your fair site!
I find that my vocabulary gets very elemental—sometimes so much so that I have to repeat. Like, when KJ spun out on that gravel road and ended up dangling us down an embankment, I’m pretty sure all I said was, “Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” I had time for that many because, as you know, that kind of thing always happens in slo-mo. And the last time I did something stupidly dangerous that scared the crap out of me (I don’t remember what I did; only the exclamation), I said, “Son of a bitch!,” which is not one of my typical elegant locutions.
The last time something went truly and terribly wrong for me I believe that I was speechless. This is not to say that my silence was not horribly loud in my head.
As I came to grips with what had just happened I think I may have chanted “Oh my God!” in my best Fran Drescher voice.
“MAYDAY! MAYDAY!”
This happened when I leaned to grab a new roll of toilet paper and fell off the can, accidentally biting my husband on the ass on the way down. No, seriously.
As a slice of apple fell from the cutting board, both my roommate and I instinctively grabbed at it, me with knife in hand. “Dude!” we shouted in unison, as he pulled back from what was a miraculously benign collision.
Not 10 seconds later, the second slice wobbled off the edge of the cutting board, and some animal instinct had us swatting at it again with hands and knives, protected again by dumb luck as we recoiled from what should have been disaster.
“DUDE!”
@Suave Are you fucking kidding me? That’s just not possible.
Annie: Now that’s a party.
I usually say multiples of shit or Oh shit. But sometimes sarcasm wins out and I say Oh great.
Once, though–and this requires a big shift in focus–I was in a car crash (truck ran a red light & pushed me into another truck), and I said, “Oh Cindy.” I said it like I was sorry I was about to die.
Like Tracy, I think I went dumbstruck. And there was a great roaring within my skull.
It happened about 10 minutes ago, when a non-essential but much-loved electronic device showed serious signs of impending death.
My reaction was to shout: “Fucksticks!”
and then mumble “fucktitshitwankbollocks”, which I find to be a good catch-all expletive-chain.
I can’t remember–I’m too happy following the trail India wrote in response to Suave.
Chris: Not that I wish it, but if you and I suffered a mishap à deux (and I were not struck dumb), I’d likely holler, “Shithooks!” as you cried, “Fucksticks!”
A slight overlap effect would be cool.
it sounded like the sound that escapes from the pit of the stomach after plunging toward water from too great a height — mixed with a pinch of shock and awe.
Sheila: Oh, ‘shithooks’ is sublime, and has been added to my panoply of curses.
This thread is starting to resemble this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4Nb7G-Rfpo – possibly my favourite ad for a TV channel ever.
of course i do.
i said, and i quote:
“motherfucking grapefruit anyway!”
My Panoply of Curses.
Baby’s First Book of Curses.
I went very quiet and everything slowed down for a second. I began to laugh that nervous “somehow I’m still alive” laugh as I landed head-first in the loamy soil on a ridiculously steep bit of Wales.
[...] Doc: i said, and i quote: “motherfucking grapefruit anyway!” [...]
India, that is a remarkable Pandora’s Box of verbal pleasures you have unleashed. I am exploring cunt right now, may not be commenting for the rest of the day.
There was a brief stint where I used the nonsensical “assballs,” but the word reserved for the worst of situations has always been “goddammit.” Something about all my biblical studies makes that word have extra umph.
I will swear away then India…
My last line, was JESUS FUCKING WEPT.
Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it, Suave?
Lucy just said: I am exploring cunt right now…
Andrew, I’ve been known to say assballs too…along with shitballs.
But, when I nearly put my car into a spin on the freeway I remember thinking, “so, that’s it then,” and a calm came over me.
Oh, “Jesus wept!” is charming; I use it myself, when I’m channeling my friend Rachel (who is also notable in the current context for having a woodworking father who has divested himself of significant portions of at least two fingers over the years; exclamations unknown). Adding the interjectional “fucking” does not make it appreciably less dainty, in my opinion.
Cursing for Shitbricks
“Hey! Hey! HEY!”
Said as I charged two guys trying to pickpocket my Father in Law on Sunday. They were unsuccessful.
I just realized that I made myself sound waaaay more badass than I really was.
@Michael Smith: I have a similar car-spinning experience on record.
One morning at work, while we were trying to pull teams together to get billable (landscaping) work done, when several had called in “sick.” It was announced one more had called in, one-too-many. Completely frustrated, I erupted with “JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST! Who do I have to FUCK to actually get something done around here?” Several folks around me flinched. (We are near the buckle of the Bible belt here.)
Feeling my personal attempts at goodness and as an example were ruined. And surprised, myself, by my outburst, over the course of the following week I think I apologized at least three times individually to every person present at that moment.
Rick, I think it’s a pity you apologised. I think that was a wonderful outburst. The kind of outburst that inspires great things.
There was something in my own surprise that prompted the apology. I’ve often “let fly” with an intentional outburst of similar structure. When I’m in control I swear for comedy and/or effect.
That depends on your definition of “horribly wrong.” Things go horribly wrong at work on a regular basis, but if it’s something you can leave behind you when you leave, how bad is it really?
Recently though, “fuckstick.”
“Fuck me drunk!!”
Bit of an update – the electronic device finally bit the dust this evening. I thought I’d be emotionally prepared, having known it was coming for a few days. But no… the thing died because of design & manufacturing decisions made by the uber-rich parent company, which was why it’s death was met with a yawp of:
“Cockgobbling cheap-ass fucktwizzlers!”
Two hours later, and I am still bloody annoyed.