December 4, 2008
his dick was like really big
Excerpts from this year’s bad sex-writing nominees.
Her face had taken on her nudity or rather had shed a veil it wore for the world. She said:
‘Perhaps you’d like to take off your shorts.’
They backed on to a bed that sagged in the middle, the sheets rancid with what she later identified as old sperm and alcohol in a cocktail specially mixed for Soviet hotels.
…
‘The blue veins are divine,’ he whispered. At that moment, a lifetime of unease about this ugly feature of her body was replaced with satisfaction.
…
He eased out of her again, showing himself.
‘Look!’ he whispered as she did.
…
He made her forget she was a Communist.
His chest was the size of a South American country. A slanting tongue of lamplight lit up his lap and I could see the outline of his large appendage.
…
Sebastian’s erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town. I almost started directing traffic around it.
‘Don’t stop,’ she clamoured; she was nearly there, it was in the bag.
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Wow.
yep.
“He made her forget she was a Communist.”
perhaps you’d like to take off your shorts.
The Communist line is priceless.
I’m like, really turned on right now.
Damn, I thought I was being original. To see them reproduced here cuts.
and we’re not talking cut or uncut, please!
Of course, if this were for the UK market: ‘Perhaps you’d like to take off your shorts.’ Would have to be replaced with ‘Perhaps you’d like to take off your pants.’ Which would have an American at a disadvantage as he would still be in his pants even though he had just taken them off.
Hang on, I’m going to get more wine. It’s the only way I can make sense of this.
Painful…all rancid like that saggy bed with dead spermies and booze.
The best advice from my favorite fiction workshop teacher was “If your characters are getting ready to screw, politely close the door behind you on your way out and spare us the details–unless the scene is crucial like if one or both die or one of them gets gum in their pubic hair. If you are writing a romance novel, use the language guide Harlequin sent you.”
it was in the bag
Hot.
“She had the hottest lips since Hiroshima/I had to stand back for fear of being burned” (Bonzo Dog Band, “Big Shot”)
“In that kind of outfit, she could get rolled at night, and I don’t mean on a crap table.” (Bonzo Dog Band, “Big Shot”)
“Baby, you’re so far ahead it’s BEAUTIFUL!” (Bonzo Dog Band, “Big Shot”)
No man has ever made me forget that I am a communist.
amanda mae, is that an advantage or a disadvantage?
I could walk onto that team. No…wait….
I’m wondering the same thing Alek asked. I’d like to hear Amanda Mae deliver that line twice: the plaintive version and the defiant version.
the communist theme Daryl?
His chest was the size of a South American country. A slanting tongue of lamplight lit up his lap and I could see the outline of his large appendage. As he dropped his stained whitey tighties, I saw that it was a prehensile tail he had tucked neatly between his tight ass cheeks and had coiled, like a baby anaconda, where a normal man’s dick would be. Unroll that thing, I said.
Alek: no–the team of writers who produce excellently bad sex scenes.