I don’t know whether it’s socks or shoes, Deron. I have relatively small feet.

It’s not true what they say, though, about small feet. I tend to wear big socks because I like my shoes to fit very snugly.

Thick socks by EG Smith in the late 80′s. I saw them first in LA visiting our friend Crash. We were on the beach, and a beach “Bunny” wearing nothing but a Speedo was pulling on his feet these magnificent, brilliant white socks, his day of sun done. He pulled them up nearly to his knees, then pushed the tops down toward his ankles where the tops bunched like leg warmers from “Flashdance.” He stuck his socked feet into white leather high-tops, picked up his towel and took off across the beach. I had to have some socks like that.

When I got my first pair, it became apparent that a guy with size 14 feet would feel a little cramped in his shoes with these socks on. Still I collected them. They became the only socks I wore for two or three years. Mom asked what I wanted for Christmas during that time and socks were what I wanted. She asked, “How much are they?” I replied. She replied, “Eleven dollars a pair for socks? Why that’s crazy!”

(A while later, when Mom and Dad were visiting us in Minneapolis, we took them on a tour of Saks. We passed the Ralph Lauren boutique. I said, “Here Mom, look at this.” Placed my hand on a cable-knit cashmere sweater. She ran her hand over it, pulled out the tag. “Twelve. Hundred. Dollars!” she said. “Now I know why you don’t think eleven dollars is too much for a pair of socks.”)

Big shoes and big gloves, of course.

How can you tell who’s been using “Big Dick Cream”?

Look for the guys with one big hand.

My dad said to marry a woman with small hands because it’ll make your dick look bigger.

I guess we’re not talking about footwear anymore.

I don’t think about other penises very much, just mine.

My only experience with back of a car and police has been while under arrest.

I did, however, many years ago suffer from claustrophobic feet – it was always at work, always when wearing boots and being squeezed into the back of a car – it was difficult to keep a lid on it.

Ah, the glorious police years.