June 23, 2009
Dear Clusterflock
Do you say “I love you” even if you don’t mean it? How often? What compels you?
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14 Responses to “Dear Clusterflock”
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Do you say “I love you” even if you don’t mean it? How often? What compels you?
14 Responses to “Dear Clusterflock”
Leave a Reply
Nope. Saying the words “I love you” in earnest is like throwing a stone into a calm pond, so it is rare to even hear me say it. I prefer to communicate it in other ways.
My family uses “I love you” as often as “Hello.” While that sounds nice, it ends up feeling trite and meaningless most of the time. And just like spending time with a dirty sailor can multiply the number of swear words used in an average day, I feel this impacts my own usage of the phrase, in that I throw it out there way more than I feel comfortable doing. Half the time I choke on it, like “I luh— [ahem].”
Of course, all this being said, I never told the only boy I’ve ever loved that I loved him. (Whoops!)
No.
When I was about 14 I had a turning-point argument with my step-father because he insisted that I respond with “I love you too” if he said he loved me. I felt that it was hypocritical since we pretty much hated each other at that time.
On this particular day he went off about how God says that if you don’t love your fellow man, then you can’t love God. I think he expected me to say, “Oh, yeah, you’re absolutely right. Yes, I do love you.” Instead I said, “Well, I guess I’m screwed in your book because I really don’t love you, so I guess I don’t love God either”.
I wouldn’t have had the guts to actually say that if we hadn’t been on the phone and he hadn’t been 2,000 miles away.
But it was so liberating to stand my ground and not pretend for once that, to this day, I won’t say it unless I really do love the person.
A little side note on saying “I love you”. My sister and I have both noticed that we more frequently (and more easily) say “I love you” to our brothers than we do to each other. We have a good, close relationship, so it really doesn’t make sense, but there you have it.
I’ve found that my family is rather sentimental compared to the English norm. They say it all the time; especially in phones calls, as in “love you, bye, bye, love you, take care”. It’s sincere but comes across as a platitude or punctuation.
My wife’s family, being Chinese don’t express their feelings verbally, in fact my mother-in-law often just puts the phone down without saying goodbye – “OK”, click. To be honest, I prefer this, but don’t tell my mother.
So I conform to my family norm to prevent upsetting them, but then throttle it back when not around them. We think we’ve found a happy medium.
The difference for me is “I.” “Love you” means something completely different from “I love you” in my mind. I’ve been known to end phone conversations with friends and family by saying “okloveyoubye,” but saying “I love you” is much harder.
Even when I fear it may be true.
I’m a bit with Andrew, here. Though he doesn’t, I’ll admit I say “I love you” all the time, with lots of different meanings when I say it. (I never use it ironically. When I use the phrase in earnest it is most often nearly unvoiced, whispered, in the ear of the beloved.)
I harken back to something I heard that resonates with me. When we love, we are called to perform in that expression.
I can say “I love you” as many times as I like and have it mean as many different meanings as the number of times I say it. But when I am, willingly and often without forethought, moved to move on another’s behalf, that’s when I know it’s real.
Ricky Ricky Ricky…
The truth of your statement puts me in a pickle.
[...] Rick Neece: … [...]
Thank you Rick. You said it perfectly.
I tend not to say it when someone has just said those words to me, because I don’t want that person to think I’m just saying it as a response. But that policy then requires me to remember/be moved to say, “I love you” on my own, unprompted. Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to mean it.
India, the “I love you, too.” may well be the least sincere I-love-you out there. At its best, it is ceremonial language. (Sometimes needed and necessary.) At its worst, a curse.
I may not always say it, but I certainly experience it – experience it deeply. Now, for example, would be one of those times.
I don’t say it if I don’t mean it, and I really don’t like the feeling I get when saying it comes very close to the line of having to question it. I particularly dislike its use in telephone conversations. Sometimes when extended family members use it, I get the sense that it means: “In case I die or you die before we meet again, let’s get this squared away now.” (cringe)
[...] Or, alternatively, I love you. [...]