August 23, 2009
Dear clusterflock:
So Lucy and I got to cooking up this fake swami scheme, a lucrative racket whereby Cooper and I might separate fools from their money, and now I’m thinking that a carnival is what we want. If you’d like to join in the fun and make good money and travel and see the world, tell us what you’ve got to offer. Can you guess people’s ages? Wield a sledgehammer and ring a bell? Can you dance a little hoochie-coochie dance? Crawl on your belly like a reptile? Bite the head off a live chicken?
We also welcome non-traditional carnival acts.
What’s yours?
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Amy’s really good at saying who people look like.
I’m good at knowing what I consider dessert.
Sheila and I are a great pair for this because she ‘sees’ the future and I ‘interpret’ the present.
I like the way this is shaping up.
I can read minds. Daryl can tell people what he used to be able to do.
I can, by the facade of tarot, make just about anyone’s secrets come out.
I used to could a lot of things, but I don’t want to compete with Daryl if this is his happy place.
Oh, I can tell what Renner will have for lunch at Luby’s or Jason’s Deli.
Oh, Deron, you and Daryl could be a tag team of physical has-beens. People would pay good money for that, you know.
Daryl used to be able to jump through his hands, like a jumprope. Now he just drinks.
Cindy, thank you for your confidence in us.
You’re welcome, man. You know I’m here for you.
We gotta take this show on the road, y’all.
I can remember all manner of ridiculous malarkey.
Kelsey – don’t forget that you have nether region hair that resembles the darkening peach fuzz on the upper lip of a pre-pubescent boy. I mean, if that ain’t worthy of the Texas State Fair I have no idea what is!
I’m reaching for my cheque book as I type this.
And Kelsey has a bunny. Don’t forget Kelsey’s bunny.
Sheila, how could I forget Kelsey’s bunny.
Hey y’all! You must have been thinking of my bunny today because I spent the afternoon rewiring my Internet for her. Now she’s free — or, as my brother-in-law likes to put it, free-range — to dash and hop and sniff under foot.
Perhaps between the two of us, we could be your petting zoo.
Animal sanctuary/artists’ colony/petting zoo. Paradise.
I’ll mix the drinks. We’ll need them.
I am not a bonafide CFer but I listen to dead people, is that any good?
Ross, listening to the dead is very good indeed. You are One of Us. Gooble gobble. Gabba gabba hey.
Will we wear uniforms?
In a sense, we will.
Cooper’s and my friend Allen tells of his visit to the Liberace Museum in Vegas and of the woman who spoke admiringly of the displays of Liberace’s ‘uniforms’, which is to say ‘costumes’.
We will don costumes. And Deron will film us.
I like uniforms better than costumes, but you’re the boss.
Costumes can be uniforms. Just think Disney theme park.
Cindy – I wore a uniform for nearly 20 years and it felt just like costume for the large part, or was it a game of charades? Not sure.
Sheila, if Deron is going to film us, can I have a Nudie suit? I mean it is a sort of costume and uniform.
Yes, indeed, Phil — with sequins, if you like.
I insist.
Okay, I’m in–as long as you get me one of those yellow jumpsuits.