August 1, 2009
Raining Fire and Thousands of Lashes
Dear Flockers,
What would be the appropriate punishment in a Dante’s-Inferno-circle-of-hell type scenario for the person who gives you decaf and claims it’s caffeinated?
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How about this? Slowly, slowly, over a period of months, even years, introduce minutely titrated quantities of pure pharmaceutical Dexedrine into something they consume daily — then abruptly halt the supply.
I’m in a wicked mood today.
Okay, you could break into their home and turn every single object — from furniture to the contents of cabinets — upside down, but the punishment would not really fit the crime.
With slight trepidation that it’ll spark a debate, it all depends on the decaffeination process because there’ll always be trace caffeine in it.
I’d recommend snorting of liquid coffee mate, alternating between French vanilla and hazelnut. Someone put this fake French vanilla stuff in my coffee yesterday without asking me and it was foul. Like someone had wrung the cat out after Baldrick had finished with it.
I’d make it a point to call that person at all hours of the night, “sorry, did I wake you? Make sure you have your decaf in the morning.”
I’d have a word with the Plentiful Gods of Drinks & Beverages, and ensure that every drink they drank was unsatisfactory.
Every beer would be non-alcoholic, every bottle of wine would be corked, every good vodka replaced with the harshest of paint-strippers. Good tequila would be dead to them.
And the milk would always be off.
I worked in an office where the office manager did that. She put decaf in the office coffee pots, both of them, the green and the brown pot. Just decided to do it. We all had headaches, a couple of people were about to go psycho. Then someone caught her. That was just mean.
Shelia, you are a born scriptwriter.
I just can’t stop thinking here of Coop’s poem “The Bluffs of Hell,” in which beer drinkers stand ready to piss from the top of a cliff but never can.