August 21, 2009


Shaving Points #2

There are oils, creams, cremes, foams, soaps, and gels all containing inexplicable and engineered molecules and/or the finest available botanicals. They serve either to facilitate the enactment of the sought after good, close shave or to soothe the hurt that accompanies it. And with a scent that evokes the essence of your particular brand of masculinity.

There is also a troubling set of social pressures that issue from marketing, fashion, and wherever else you get your vacillating feelings of sexual prowess and inadequacy. Your beard is uncommonly tough, but your skin is terribly sensitive. It is hard being a dude. Fortunately for you, you complicated man, there is a multibillion dollar industry that exists to stabilize your sense of self and keep you sufficiently groomed to maintain employment and sexual activity. A well-executed shave, it has been proven, will get you laid. This cannot be stressed enough.

There are shaving subcultures, each comparably certain that they’ve discovered the secret. And they want to tell you about it. Like jesus kooks or Martha Stewart. What you want to do, see, is get yourself a Filharmonica straight razor and a jug of Spanish olive oil… There are the straight razor enthusiasts who throw around words like ’strop’ and ‘tourniquet’. Did you know that there were days of the week straight razor sets so that each razor could ‘rest’ for an interval before the next usage allowing the rehoned edge relax itself into optimum faceworthiness? There are the shaving brush devotees who insist on badger bristle brushes to appropriately lift and arrange the whiskers for cutting. Badger hair, you see, is porous and holds lather and moisture for best application to your scruffy countenance. I cannot approach the electric razor cohort as I am not fully convinced that they exist, even though they make claims to the contrary in the comments of some blogs I’ve heard of. I have an uncle who uses an electric razor, but he is an exceptional, nearly fictional entity.

posted by Aaron Winslow in adventure, advice, anecdotes, anthropology, beauty, cosmetics, culture, etiquette, fashion, gender, how to, humans, marketing, observations, opinion, poop, products, psychology, race, self-help, sex 

comments

9 Responses to “Shaving Points #2”

  1. Coop on August 21st, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Hey, Aaron, I like that “particular brand of masculinity.”

  2. Teresa R. on August 21st, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Aaron: Would you please tell us what scent invokes the essence of your particular brand of masculinity?

  3. Aaron Winslow on August 21st, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    Breakfast sausage. With a little pine and orange.

  4. Coop on August 21st, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Pine and orange? Furniture polish?

  5. Aaron Winslow on August 21st, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Citrus mountain sausage.

    Also, the name of my prog-metal project.

  6. Sheila Ryan on August 21st, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Citrus mountain sausage is not a dessert.

  7. Rick Neece on August 21st, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Citrus mountain sausage? Agreed. Not dessert. Chocolate gravy on mountin’ sausage? Oh, yeah baby! Now that.

    That’s dessert.

  8. Coop on August 21st, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    I think citrus mountain sausage is a euphemism for a certain body part in Alaska.

  9. Colin on August 24th, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    I run an emergency home repair non-profit up in the Kentucky mountains. One of the families I worked for showed their appreciation by making “chocolate gravy and cornbread” every time I came over. One time we were sharing this meal early in the morning when the mother told me she and her youngest son had begun to exhibit early signs of diabetes… ooooh, chocolate gravy, you hurt so good.

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