March 14, 2010
Dear Clusterflock
When did you realize what you wanted to do?
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comments:
- Deron Bauman: It’s a start.
- Joel Bernstein: The first of many things, no doubt.
- Deron Bauman: I’ll pick him up at eight. He may not like the way I smell.
- Michael Smith: Joel’s Dream Date: Phantom Menace; Cat urine cologne; Deron.
- Joel Bernstein: For the record, if you pay to see this, you are no longer my friend.
- Deron Bauman: Meow.
- Joel Bernstein: This must be why I fuck so many cats.
- Michael Smith: Seems to me the experiment almost does itself.
- Casey Cichowicz: No. It is not possible. I can assure you.
- Joel Bernstein: Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes?
- LaurenH: I’m with those who say get that girl out of that household. The father has now very effectively...
- Rick Neece: Holee sh..!
- Rick Neece: Asian calligraphy, ‘cept instead of a brush, hot glass. The image of her controlling the glass and...
- Rick Neece: For the gull-wing, I’m sure it would knock me in the chin every time I opened it.
- Marco: Oh god yes.
About what?
Life. Work. Anything really.
30 and I still don’t know.
Oh, I gather you want to know about the big things, mostly.
Damn, Josh [hard stop]. . .[thinking]. . .
Have you met MGS? We met in a bar in 1981, and in many ways it’s like we jumped in the same kayak launched on some river we didn’t exactly choose, but didn’t mind either. There’s a ton of back story, both his and mine, but coming up on 30 years later, I’m not sure about the role played by “choice” in life, work, anything.
You ask a big question. I’m not sure I have the energy to fully answer.
I can tell you without hesitation that I’m glad I jumped in that kayak with MGS.
Kathy. So maybe “when” is the wrong question? Perhaps “how?” is more appropriate?
Andrew. That’s a relief.
Okay. I’ll see Andrew’s 30 and raise him 20. Fifty and still don’t know.
I’m 52 and still have no idea how let alone when or what. My whole life has seemed rather rudderless. Moments of clarity that are bogged down by my inability to act.
Of course, my being a lazy SOB really just adds to the problem.
In my head everything seems so clear, so straight forward. The step to reality has always been the problem.
Probably not the best question to tackle at 11pm after nearly 2 bottles of wine, but, I thank you for asking it.
a long time ago.
Does it bother any of you folks that you haven’t come to such a specific realization or sense of purpose?
For example, my sister has been studying to be a lawyer so that she could work in adoption advocacy since she was in the 8th grade. Every class, paper, internship and experience seemed to be careful and strategically chosen as she moved forward, and today she’s a lawyer working in adoption advocacy in DC. I’m incredibly envious of her, because I’ve never felt such a distinct, focused sense of purpose towards anything.
Thoughts?
I think Deron should explain himself.
I have almost always known what I wanted to do.
Ah crap.
Deron’s response makes me aware of the texture of the question.
There’s a hell of a leap between realizing what you want to do and doing it.
Our beautiful, remarkable, amazing, gifted, intelligent son is going to be 19 years old in April. He’s faced with “choosing a major” at Ohio University, even though he is currently there on scholarship in the engineering program. He has proclaimed, since he was about 7 or 8 years old, that he wanted to be an engineer. At an early age, he convinced himself that “engineering” was his destiny. Now that he’s in the program, he’s having a difficult time relating to engineering. His ‘professional identity’ and his ‘understanding of himself’ are at odds.
You know? It’s a terrible thing to have to decide what-you-want-to-be-for-the-rest-of-your-life when you’re 18 going on 19.. God. The PRESSURE.
“When did you realize what you wanted to do.
Is there a deadline?
Looking back at this question is quite a different thing from looking ahead at what might still be accomplished. I knew what I wanted to do when I was eight years old, and I did it. But it sounds smug to say it like that–when the truth is that an “interesting” life (that old curse) is likely to twist and turn in ways that preclude any real sense of a plan having been followed. Readiness is all, provided a will to love and a sense of humor are part of the process.
This morning when I woke up I realized that I wanted to make love to my lady companion, and her feelings on the matter be damned. That is of course only the case because I knew that her feelings could be brought around.
The realization that I should pursue my vocation (funeral director) came to me after the initial idea of me pursuing my M.Div. flamed out terribly when I realized I had no interest whatsoever in ministry..
A friend (Anglican clergy, actually) pulled me aside one day and asked what the hell was I doing with my life and when I answered very little she said I should pursue funeral direction. And then I remembered the aptitude test I took in the early 80′s that told me the exact same thing. And so i did it.
Re-inventing myself in my mid 40′s with a wife, 2 kids, and a house wasn’t easy, but it had an air of inevitability about it.
In my case, the question is probably “Will I ever realize what I want to do?” Less jocularly, I might say that there are too many things I want to do.
Don’t worry, Kathy, I’ll be our kayak’s anchor.
A boat anchor.
Wait.
You know, at fifty you just start, barely start, to have a notion of a fragment of a glimmer of an idea of what’s important. By important I mean important to your inner self: the irresistible magnetic gravitational forces that tell you whether you did pretty good today.
Yes, of course family and Doing Good Things are at the top of the list. We’re all decent, moral people here, aren’t we? There’s more, though, beyond relationships and not being an asshole.
I’m just talking about the mechanics of damping the voices in your head. Getting outside the shadow of your own potential.
This is all great.
Coop: I like your take.
MGS and Kathy: I like that you’ve given us a window into your last 30 years.
Walt: I feel like there’s a television pilot in there someplace.
Josh
I realized a few years ago, that my purpose wasn’t to be what I wanted to be so much as to give, as best I was able, the things those around me needed to be who they needed to be. There are some I’ve failed. In every success (and perhaps in the failures, too), I became more who I wanted to be.
I don’t know, it ain’t all wrote down yet.
This could be bullshit. I still have issues.
I read issues as jesus.
Sweet baby issues.
Somewhere around 4 o’clock every day. I lose it again at 7:30pm