March 17, 2010
On the inadvisability of getting a haircut in a NJ seafood restaurant
So, I should start by saying that I am not making this up. Any of it. I will not name names on this one for fear of retaliation–I plan to return to this place after a respectable period of time, and being in New Jersey… well, one just never knows.
The story is this: on Monday night I went to a restaurant in a small town in New Jersey, primarily because it had the appearance of local character. The restaurant did not disappoint. One of the owners–the wife–waited on my table while her husband held court at the bar, shaking hands and giving Swedish fish to the handful of children there. The food was quite good, the atmosphere friendly, and the local character abundant. For those seeking that kind of thing, I will provide details if you are ever in the greater Parsippany area.
The odd part is that there was a handmade sign in the men’s room (under the hand dryer bearing the words “enjoy your blow job”) advertising $8 haircuts on Monday and Tuesday. You read that right–$8 haircuts. I asked the owner about this, and she pointed toward a door, explaining that they do the cuts “right in there. You can even take your beer in there.” Okay, cool.
Being in need of a haircut, being exceptionally disappointed at the last one, and needing the kind of story one acquires by getting a haircut and a beer at a seafood restaurant in New Jersey, I returned last night. As I walked in, I noticed a woman with egregiously teased hair, a deep tan, and painted-on jeans smoking a Virginia Slim or some such thing right outside the door. She scowled at me.
The owner greeted me with a warm handshake and welcomed me back. I asked if I could still get a haircut. She shook her head and said, “no, sorry hon. they’re just closing up”. I said that was okay and that I would still stay for a beer and a bite to eat. The owner paused for a moment and said, “you know what? let me ask Janice”–I’m not sure if her name actually was Janice, but it sounds right–”if she could work in one more cut today”. At which point the scowling woman from outside–all 4’11” of her–came in on a beeline to the bar. Scowling Jersey Girl was the “stylist”.
The owner inquired about my haircut–about which I was having serious reservations at the point–and Janice replied, “shit no. I’m drinking now.” She scowled at me again. “Come back tomorrow afternoon if you want to get any work out of me.” I nodded and thanked her. “Well, are you coming back tomorrow?” she demanded. I said that I would if I had time to cut out from work (a blatant lie). This seemed acceptable to her, and she continued to the bar without another word.
I had a beer and tried not to notice her scowling at me the entire time. After a while, it seemed like dinner might be more enjoyable elsewhere. I paid for the beer and started toward the door.
“When you get here tomorrow you better have a goddamned smile on your face,” Janet shouted. I laughed. She didn’t.
As I was pulling out of the parking lot with my windows down, Janice stepped out with her cigarette already lit. “That haircut’s going to be more expensive tomorrow,” she shouted, and she pointed out that $8 cuts were only available on Monday and Tuesday. “They’re $18 tomorrow, or $12 if you’re law enforcement.” She appraised my suit and rental car. “You don’t look like law enforcement.”
I shook my head.
“If you have time tomorrow we can do a little ‘manscaping’,” she added. “What, like a Brazilian wax?” I asked.
Janice smiled.
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holy!
You’d be the latest member of MTV’s Jersey Shore by now. You’re lucky to have escaped the scowl.
Joseph, we need down time. In the garage or on the patio. Jack and vodka and smokes?
XOR
Rick, would be a pleasure. Please excuse my unshorn locks.
Joseph, your unshorn locks will never worry me, unless you become white-haired and wild-haired. Perhaps Kelsey will be able to provide a place in Colorado, outside, where those of us who do, occasionally, can smoke a little.
There are patios and fire pits galore where we are going. Just, um, try not to burn down the whole forest that is my parents’ back yard.
Also, since it is related, no matter how much I may insist that I can do it never let me cut your hair.
Kelsey. Sitting beside a fire pit would be a delight. I promise we won’t burn down the forest.
By the way, by way of packing correctly, what might we expect for temperature/weather memorial day weekend at Silverthorne? Natch, we’ll check weather.com before we leave just to be properly prepared.
It changes every year. Some years it’s still snowy and the slopes are ski-able. Other years it’s all mud and mosquitoes by mid-May. I can tell you that, at 10,000 feet, it’s very dry. Which means that when the sun’s out — and with 300 days of sun a year, it’s out a lot — you’re hot under its rays and cold in the shade. At night, you’ll still require a thick jacket with pockets.
Joseph – If the food was good, I work near Parsippany (office in Boonton). What was the name of the place and where?