May 13, 2010
from the contact form
Redacted wrote:
Im a dickinson college student…
UGI services came and turned our gas off at our house because we haven’t paid our bills. Not that we’re poor…my house consists of four rich spoiled brats, two of which are always on the brink of getting kicked off the tennis team…we just haven’t paid the bills because we’ve been binge drinking for the last couple of weeks – when they told us they’d turn off the gas nobody seemed to mind – the 1 million channels on comcast were still working – and we have ON DEMAND!!! – so now its been a week and someones mom is handling the situation…we’re all 21 so we cant do it ourselves…I haven’t showered in a while…uhh real long…just read the post about hot vs cold showers…its 4am and I have a final exam tomorrow…so obviously some chick im trying to get in bed has the textbook for my class exam tomorrow – and im dicking around on the internet. My parents pay 50 grand for me to get educated at this liberal arts shit show…do you guys think there is hope for someone like me?
Update: Thanks, Andrew.
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Dear Redacted,
I hope your exam went well and the young woman whom you are so arduously pursuing under such dubious circumstances was able to give you some sort of notes or cheat sheet. Girls, man, ammaright? Failing final exams can be kind of a bummer to have to explain your way out of, but I get the feeling you could do it.
I paid for my own “liberal arts s— show” almost entirely myself, which I admit gives me some difficulty in relating to your particular problems, but let us address them singularly and then as a whole. I find it helps to break up a problem into small, solvable steps.
1. The Gas Has Been Turned Off – Well, as you say, you are only 21, which makes you a Junior about to head into Senior year. But it seems, upon a closer reading of your letter, that this problem has been outsourced, and someone’s mother is now in charge of contacting the proper authorities and setting things to rights. Let’s move on.
2. We’ve Been Binge Drinking – Not to appear judgemental, gentle reader, since you’ve come to us asking for advice and help, but aren’t you a little old to binge drink? Doesn’t that get expensive after a while? What are you hiding from? When one loses sight of the reasons behind one’s actions, one loses motivation to continue on. I recommend you become The Classy One, the guy who knows a great deal about scotch and maybe even ties one (ascot) on at parties. Girls love that stuff, man.
3. You Haven’t Taken a Shower (In A While) – When self-respect goes, self-care goes. Are you having trouble leaving the apartment? Do you still holler at attractive young female classmates, or do their charms hold little for you? Has nostalgia for a simpler time, a time with less worries, less stress, set in? I fear you may be suffering from a light depression, but don’t worry, there are pills and paid professionals who can discreetly help you deal with these matters. Your weakness can remain hidden, and you will begin to shower again.
4. Is There Hope For Someone Like Me – In short? Yes, things can always turn around. At length? Probably not, it doesn’t sound like you have any intention of spending college learning and exploring matters that interest you, not when On Demand is playing Weeds reruns endlessly. Summer will come and you’ll feebly try to find a job, but who gets hired for two months? Maybe your parents will continue to pay for an apartment so you can stay near your friends, perhaps you’ll move back home. In any case summer will function the same as school, but without classes. One delirious string of days, one indistinguishable from the rest until August comes around again and you find yourself on a plane hurtling back to Dickinson from whatever swanky Connecticut suburb your divorced parents raised you in.
Ultimately, things will be fine. You’ll meet someone, don’t worry. She’ll be beautiful and laugh at your jokes, but in five years, maybe in ten, you’ll wish you had something more to say to one another. Shut up in the house that a decorator designed, eating food that a maid cooked, drinking too much on the sly and spending money to feel alive, you’ll stumble through your days. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but, Redacted, you’re going to regret all of this if you have a shred of a soul left.
It’s hard for me not to think that money will get you everywhere.
Ever yours,
Miss Amanda Mae
Miss Amanda Mae, you are a treasure. I am so very happy that we have plighted our troth.
Even though I am no longer Kittentits (due, I suspect, to my own lamentable withdrawal), I have great expectations of one day becoming Kittentwat.
Amanda Mae is what Yahoo! Answers needed. Not as staff, per se, but as a vigilante tearing through the apathy of it all.
you’ll always be kittentwat to me.
wait.
It’s okay, Deron. It’s kitten + twat. It’s Russ Meyer. It’s brassy, it’s busty (no, wait, that’s kittentits), and it’s — armed and extremely dangerous!
Amanda Mae – wonderful!
Amae. Such a pure delight!
Amanda!
Wow, Brett Easton Ellis has gone downhill fast. I don’t think I’ll buy this new one, it reads like shit.
I get to be Mary Harron in the stageplay of this comment thread.
[...] Amanda Mae Meyncke: Dear Redacted, [...]