June 13, 2010
Common life problems
This made me laugh ten years ago. Still does today.
S O M E C O M M O N
L I F E P R O B L E M S , W I T H
P O S S I B L E S O L U T I O N S .
BY TIM CARVELL
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1. Have you ever noticed how, if you are with a friend — let us call him Gary, because I don’t actually know any Garys — and he is doing something annoying, like cracking his knuckles, and you say, “If you crack your knuckles one more time, Gary, honest to God, I’ll kill you right here and now”, and then, of course, Gary — because it would be funny — deliberately cracks his knuckles, and then what you do is, you lunge at his neck and scream this sort of exaggerated, joking scream, because that is what people do in this situation in cartoons. But then there’s always an awkward moment, once you’ve lunged, because you then need to stop lunging and sort of withdraw and compose yourself, because you’re not really going to kill him just for cracking his knuckles, but you did have to follow through on the premise of your joke. And now you’re both in this weird state of not having the joke followed through in a satisfactory manner, like it would be in a cartoon. I have a solution for this. I would suggest that, instead of saying, “If you crack your knuckles one more time, Gary, honest to God, I’ll kill you right here and now”, you should say, “If you crack your knuckles one more time, Gary, honest to God, I’ll gouge your eyes out with my thumbs.” And then, once he’s cracked his knuckles and smirked, you can wipe that smug fucking smile off his face by gouging out his eyes, and you’d be totally justified. Is my thinking.
2. You’ll notice how, when walking down the street, you’ll sometimes find yourself facing someone going in the opposite direction, and each of you is blocking the other, and when you move to the left, the other person (let’s say it’s Gary again) moves to the right, and vice versa, and after you’ve done this, say, twice, it’s almost impossible not to do it, and now you’re having far more interaction with this other person than you really want to have, and you’re both looking at each other all apologetic and embarrassed. It is an awkward impasse. My solution for this is to embrace the situation: If you two are going to keep blocking each other, make a game out of it and actually try and block the other person. Feint, dart, try and anticipate his every move just by watching his eyes, and for every time you block him, you get a point. And if he does manage to slip by, well, then, your awkward impasse is solved, now, isn’t it? It’s win-win. I am a genius.
3. Let’s say the cable installer (Gary) has just come to your home to install the cable. Actually, you had cable already: He just needed to flip a switch and turn it on. Took less than five minutes. Now, the question is, do you tip him for the visit? On the one hand, he did have to get into his truck and drive to your home. On the other, that is what he’s paid to do, and it’s not like he’s in the same situation as a waiter, where the restaurant pays them less than the minimum wage and then expects them to make up the rest in tips. And besides, maybe he’s a professional, and would be insulted by a tip! But on the other hand, does everyone tip, and do you look like a jerk if you don’t? Will he hate you? How do you make the cable person not hate you? There are two solutions here, it seems to me: The first is to simply ask, “So, do you guys take tips?” And if he says yes, give him some money — not a lot, a few dollars. The other solution is to think about all this, then show him to the door, and then feel guilty for not tipping him, and then pray the Hail Mary, over and over, and then touch all the doorknobs in the house in three sets of three, and then pray some more.
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Hilarious.
Phil, I guess there is some debate in terms of whether to tip in certain circumstances or not, but in America, a wait-person’s salary is almost all tip based. So, if you don’t tip in America, you are depriving someone of a paycheck; it’s not just an issue of a low wage. Whether this is optimal or not, it’s a reality of eating out here.
Sir Phillip,
You may be aware that I have spent a fair amount of time in the Queen’s dominion. When there, I am conscious of tradition and seek to avoid any impropriety where the staff are concerned. Such has been my concern with offending staff that I very rarely even pay the cheque. One can never be too careful.
Deron, I’m sorry for deleting the comment, I decided it was ill placed. I do understand the the difference in cultures and why it happens there and not here.
IT is a great post and I didn’t want to smother it with a tipping debate.
Cindy called it right.
Perfect, Joseph! Bills are rarely paid here. Probably because not much is worth paying for!
Sorry for the deletion.
Off to bed embarrassed with myself.
Right now I am getting great pleasure out of running my cursor over the link at the head of this post. And back out into the white space. Over and over again. With music playing in another tab somewhere. Somebody’s music from some website I will never ever visit again. It’s like a holiday.
no worries, Phil!
Oh, Phil, please don’t be embarrassed. Many people in the US debate the practice of tipping. For what it’s worth, while I tend to be ridiculously generous with tips, it would never occur to me to tip a cable guy. That’s part of what I find funny about #3–the whole neurotic basis of the question.
I’d forgotten about this lovely list. Thanks for resurfacing!
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Are we really enjoined from discussing the phenomenon of tipping? That debate never gets old. What’s the etiquette for English strippers, Phil? A pound coin in the g-string or an obsequious half-smile?
Maybe strippers in the Kingdom wear sturdier stuff than they do in the Colonies, but ’round these parts it only takes about half a pound of coins and a couple of gyrations.
Phil! Joseph’s comment makes me think you didn’t go quite far enough south in your Texas trip. You could have made some fine pictures in what used to be called “Boys’ Town”–a host of brothels right on the other side of the border in various Mexican towns. I never went myself (although if I had been invited to pile into the pickup truck to go, when I was a teenager, I well might have done so), but I remember friends coming back with stunned grins on their faces that lasted for days. Remind me to tell you about what happens to a silver dollar placed on the corner edge of a table in such a place. Pictures would have been great–but you might not have got out with your camera.
Joseph, much as I would love to know the etiquette for tipping strippers, unfortunately I don’t. I’m guess coins are out and that they would prefer notes stuffed in cracks!
As for tipping generally. There are no rules as far I am aware, well, not on the scale of the states where as far as I can tell a percentage of the final bill is tipped. That wouldn’t happen here – Unless I have missed it all my life.
Daryl, I would love to photograph such a place and am always spitting with jealousy when I see photos where the photographer has gained access to such places. I guess it’s about gaining trust or being one of them.
I also do worry about getting out with all my equipment intact personal and mechanical!
I will remember to ask you for the story.
Aw, hell, Phil, next time you’re in Texas we’ll just pile in the car and drive down there and see what happens.
Cindy, it’s a date – shall I bring the camera that makes me dizzy? That might add to the experience. We can all use it, it will be like taking hallucinogenics with taking them.
Bring all of your cameras. I’m thinking you’re gonna need ‘em.
Got ya!
sometimes that place was called donkey town.
Also, I will not use your dizzy camera because I am already dizzy and will simply fall down.
Deron, you and Amy wanna come? We could rent a tricked out van.
I wonder what the standard for tipping is? Do you think it’s different when a donkey is involved? I guess we should take some carrots or something, just in case.
hell yes.
can we pick up Barry and Ann and Aaron and Cara on the way?
Of course. We’ll all cram into the van with our faces smushed against the windows.
vuvuzelas?
Okay, I’m back. Here’s the deal with the silver dollar placed on the corner edge of the table. It is …picked up…without the use of hands, in a way intended to make one wonder what else might be done with such an ability. Oh, and I’m not speaking of a mouth being used here.
Is vuvuzela a 4-letter word for snatch?
yep.
Okay, then.
Am I sensing a possible location for Clusterflockstock III?
Cindy, we could see our trip as a dry run so to speak! I’m so glad that you explained the trumpets. I was sensing that I needed to, but, felt weak at the thought.
A trumpet nabbed me as I was driving towards Fort Worth as well – was I on 30? I sat in an industrial estate for 10 minutes trying to figure it out, went back and did it again only to fall foul of the same motherfucker! This time I slammed on the brake and reversed for a 1/4 of a mile. My only excuse would be that I was English.
Oh, I don’t know–a Mexican Brothel/Donkey Show-based Clusterflockstock might be too much for some of our younger members. I think we simply need to make a field study and report our findings.
I do hope we don’t get a call in the middle of the night that Phil has been hauled into a Waco jail for telling an officer of the law that his only crime was Driving While English.
Well, actually, I have to admit that I kind of do hope that happens. It would be great fun to head to Waco to spring Phil from the hoosegow.
I have been known to overexplain my way out of traffic tickets. I was not trying to get out of them. But it happened twice in Baltimore, me sticking my head out of the window trying to continue with my confession/explanation and the officer waving me away, nearly in a run for his squad car. “Have a good day, mam!”