RELAX
“RELAX” read the t-shirt in bright red block letters, hanging from the shoulders of a man standing five feet to the side of his Buick abandoned in the drive of a BP station: lights on, one door open.
Thick arms, flushed red, hung stiffly out the shoulders of his tank top, ending with clenched fists.
His horseshoe mustache framed a mouth that belted screams of rage into the night:
“I’ll find you!”
“I’ll kill you!”
One girl from the suburbs cowered nearby in her parked car.
From somewhere could be heard a teenager’s giggle.
Five people pumped their cars full of gas.
a catalogue of fear, 10
He wanted me to flip him, so I flipped him. Problem was, as soon as I did, everything shifted. I can look back now and figure it out — I was smaller than him, he was a tough kid. For an hour he insisted my ass was his to kick, would mother fucking kill me. When at last he showed his hand, relaxed came back in force, the problem was that was the moment that hit me.
If he is on the boat, he’s in contravention of the rules
Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico to watch his boat “Bob” participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race.
Jimmy Dean Sausage Complaint Call, transcribed
Randy Taylor. I don’t know where you people come from. I don’t know if you test your products. Your quantity of your products. Your products are very delicious. Love your sausage for thirty something years. But I can’t take and feed a family of five on a little twelve ounce roll of sausage. I don’t mind paying more money for your sixteen ounce roll of sausage, but you don’t have it anymore. You’ve got a twelve ounce roll and you’ve got three men that weigh over two-hundred pounds a piece, a woman that’s a little plump Scotch girl, and a daughter who’s thirteen, and you’re going to try to take a twelve ounce roll of sausage and a couple of dozen eggs and feed that — it ain’t going to work — and I’m not going to purchase your product any more or ever again. And as far as your sixteen ounce Maple and Sage, I don’t eat that. I’m not from the North. I’m a Texas man. Jimmy Dean Sausage is for Southern people to eat with their breakfast, with their fried eggs and their t-bone steak, and I can’t see going to little twelve ounce package to feed four five six people and I’m not going to buy two of those twelve ounce packages just because you want to downsize and charge the same goddamn price. I’d sure like a reply and I’d sure like you to go back to your sixteen ounce package on your regular sausage ’cause I’m not going to buy it otherwise ever again. I’ll just have my own damn sausage made like I used to thirty something years ago. It’s not tasty as yours is but it’ll work. Good bye. A little twelve ounce goddamn roll supposed to feed your brother, me, and you — six hundred pounds of men at least, get my point? — and the two girls, and they put it in that fucking pussy roll of sausage. Son of a bitch. Somebody needs their ass kicked. Some little consumer geekaroid thought this shit up. Save money, yeah. Saves money. Save money. Fuck, I want to eat, goddammit.
Guy Claxton, Hare Brain, Tortoise Mind: How Intelligence Increases When You Think Less
It’s taken me a while to review this book because I wasn’t sure how to approach it. I mean, a book about the subconscious that uses the tools of consciousness to address it? As you can see the language quickly becomes convoluted. In fact, I read about two thirds of the book before I was finally able to pick it up again and finish it. Setting aside the complexities, however, the book was an important reminder of Hemingway’s notion of the tip of the iceberg being only the visible reminder. In other words, and in fact the book indicates this as scientifically valid, the conscious mind is much less in control of the whole than perhaps we are comfortable imagining. On the other hand, as the book proposes, as we begin to become comfortable with that, and allow ourselves to settle into a larger appreciation of ourselves, we gain access to a creative ability, an ability to process and access information, a larger way of thinking about ourselves, our motivations, our intentions, and our potential. Shit, I feel lost again, but hopefully you get the point.
Tiger Swallowtail
They’re back. I always like to watch them visit the zinnia bed. This one has been chewed on a bit, but was still able to make the rounds of many flowers.
Stock and Flow
I feel like flow is ascendant these days, for obvious reasons—but we neglect stock at our own peril. I mean that both in terms of the health of an audience and, like, the health of a soul. Flow is a tread mill, and you can’t spend all of your time running on the tread mill. Well, you can. But then one day you’ll get off and look around and go: Oh man. I’ve got nothing here.
(via kottke)
Internet dating, 3
Introduction by a 29-year-old female in a metropolitan area:
hi! the names [redacted]. dont talk to me if your creepy…no offense.
umm okay so where do i start. i loooove my oven and my pug poochauntuas.
i love orange juice and toenails. I love the feeling of gum when its all mushed up inside your mouth and you spit and its all gooey…most people think its gross but… i like that feeling.
Dear Clusterflock: What did you used to believe?
Well, as a kid and I mean up until the age of about 12, I thought that black Americans were a completely different race to black Africans and black West Indians. Why? Straight hair! I was seeing people such as Diana Ross and The Supremes on the TV and they had straight hair! It was that simple, I didn’t even think about wigs or straightened hair, nope, they were a different race!
Now, I ought to add here that I come from Bristol which was pretty much the centre of the slave trade, you’d have thought I might have known about such things, but, no! If they taught it at school I wasn’t listening. I don’t remember when exactly I found out, but, I was as surprised about this as I was when a mate explained to me that girls had an extra hole!
So, what long held beliefs were shattered for you at some stage?
Super Mario Beatbox
via coudal
Drew Perry’s Novel This is Just Exactly Like You Recommended
It was a delight to read this novel. Great characters, splendid dialogue, and comic timing of the sort you will admire if you like the novels of Clyde Edgerton. When I first looked at this novel (Cindy and I found it in a bookstore while in Santa Fe) I thought–Oh great, suburban relationship musical chairs with an autistic boy thrown in. I almost put it back, but then I opened it and read a few sentences–and bought it. The autistic boy, by the way, is one of the best characters. His habits and surprising abilities are woven into the bumblings going on around him in illuminating ways.
The Slanguage Dictionary, Variety style.
This is super geekdorkginricky. Sadly, I find myself referring to this list a few times a month. Boy, those people at Variety sure are wicked full of themselves and their purported power over the lexicon. A fine sampling:
chopsocky — a martial arts film; “Chopsocky star Chuck Norris will make a guest appearance on ‘Seinfeld’ this season.”
tubthump — to promote or draw attention to; from the ancient show business custom of actors wandering the streets banging on tubs to drum up business; “Disney is planning a big parade to tubthump the opening of its new release.”
Q rating — ad research rating that gauges how easily a celebrity is recognized — and how well the celebrity is liked
nut — operating expenses to be recovered; “On Broadway, most shows need to operate at 60% of audience capacity to cover their nuts.”
infopike — information superhighway (Internet); “The studio has formed a new division to develop projects for the infopike.”
-Ronya
Jimmy Dean Sausage Complaint Call
Jimmy Dean sausage is for Southern people to eat.
Also, I think he forgets to hang up at the end.
top searches
cupcakes, clusterflock, dogue de bordeaux, insistendo quasi le vespe, peacock
Update: peacock has been surpassed by victoria beckham.
clusterflock Amazon Associates account
I created a clusterflock Amazon Associates account a while ago and am just getting around to explaining how to use it. If you make a link to an item that sells on Amazon just add /clusterflock-20 to the end of the URL. For any purchase made, a small percentage goes to clusterflock. This will help maintain the site, hopefully generate a little income, allow me to pay a little to those who help out so much around the site (Andrew, I’m looking at you) and perhaps create a fund for future clusterflock projects. Anyway, my intention isn’t to overwhelm the site with links! But when the opportunity arises, please add the tag at the end of a link and it will help.
Oh, and if you are of such a mind, I believe you can add the tag to the end of anything you are looking to buy on Amazon, regardless of whether it has been linked on clusterflock. You’ll have to add the tag and reload the page, however, so it will register our account.
Okay, I guess that’s it. Please let me know if you have any questions, and thanks for the support.
horseshit
When the goal was scored everybody at the cafe jumped up and started high-fiving and hugging, so nobody realized is wasn’t a goal until after we had all sat back down. Just heartbreaking.
from the comments
For a while I couldn’t allow anyone to throw out plants. I had to rescue them. A little girl started to cry when I took away a ragged fig shoved in a dark corner, barely hanging on to life. “She’ll take good care of it, we can’t keep it anymore,” her mother said.
The fig is thriving now. I pass by it and see the little girl’s face.
USA-Slovenia
That was a really hard game to watch, but I really liked Donovan’s attitude about the muffed call.
The 7 Best Lines From Snoop Dogg’s Musical Tribute to True Blood
You know that feeling of mild embarrassment you sometimes get while watching the more outlandish moments of True Blood? Well, that’s nothing compared to Snoop Dogg’s new music video “Oh Sookie,” a tribute to the show that is vaguely mortifying and yet totally watchable. Here are the 7 best lines (and there were a lot to choose from).
(thanks, Teresa!)
a catalogue of fear, 9
I can tell you what she said when I asked, but I still remember every detail — what was playing on the radio, the way the clasp that held her skirt broke as we went to retrieve the family pictures on the highway — all of it settled in precisely but the surface of it doesn’t matter anymore.
Microman USA
This toast to the Tea Party movement and American freedom stars Microman, the new hero of the conservative right. Microman loves liberty and loves his life. He just doesn’t like the notion of paying taxes on his hard-earned money and watching his country turn socialist.
Presented in a series of original comic strips, Microman’s humorous musings on education, fiscal policy, foreign affairs, healthcare, and more will make readers laugh and feel good about fighting for the principles our Founding Fathers set forth.
There was a strong smell of bleach, but no sign of blood.
Stuff offered/wanted on Freecyle today.
A collection of 9 coffee/tea mugs each made by different artists. All have a fish theme.
The bed is pretty nice, only used by our boy who didn’t have any “accidents” on it. A few little food stains, but mostly clean.
Could really use a metal detector. Had to sell mine last year to pay some bills. Maybe you have one collecting dust. Quick pickup. Thanks in advance.
You take the stove and not the bag of stuff but if you take the bag of stuff you must take the wicker baskets. freecycle or donate what you don’t want. I have a ton of stuff to give away but I don’t want people picking through it all. In addition to a glass top stove with a broken glass top and working oven…fairly new…white…I also have a big bag that includes but is not limited to…diaper bags-wipie warmer-books-blanket-toys -wicker laundry baskets-wicker baskets-guacamole maker-mixer-baby bath seat-containers-etc….
We have one case plus 2 cans of canned hot chili beans. They’re basically pinto beans in a hot chili sauce… I used to love them but have developed a food allergy so I can’t eat them anymore. Three of the cans are past the expiration date and one can has a dent, but nothing I wouldn’t eat myself (if not for the allergy).
-Ronya
My father knows no middle ground
Someone recently passed me a copy of “Shit My Dad Says“. I didn’t expect much. Based on this gem from the first chapter, I’ll keep reading:
“You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we’ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet.”
from the moderated comments
Recapping, you should play it insistently, in a way that the sound emitting resembles the noise produced by wasps.
You people with the gun shots and grenades are full of s***.
I’ve lived in southwest oc Hampton & 67 area and I’ve heard this for years. It’s very loud and shakes the ground and rattles windows. Somebody has to know what this is. I always expect to hear sirens or see something on the news but never do. Oh it’s usually on a weekend too.
Only the Father, the Almighty know the time of second coming of Jesus Christ. Others who are all proclaim as messiah are liars.
