June 15, 2010
R. Kelly and the “Little Man” Defense: There’s no crying in sex tapes.
With due propers to Dominick Dunne for his high-profile trial coverage over the years (including my favorite — the piece on the Phil Specter debacle), this too is some seriously and deliciously good shit. I am willing to go out on a limb here and postulate that reading about the trial was perhaps far more entertaining than actually attending it would have been.
Read every last entry. There are two sections; one here and the other here.
Frustrated with her declining musical career (and perhaps resentful of Kelly’s astoundingly successful one), Sparkle hatched a scheme to extort her rich ex-mentor and to turn the words of her hit song “Be Careful” into reality. (“You better be careful what you do to me,” she sang, ” ’cause somebody might do it to you.”) While Kelly was out making beats one night, she enlisted a pair of underemployed porn actors to bust into the singer’s log cabin and film themselves having sex, peeing, etc. Meanwhile, Sparkle and Hankerson harvested outtakes from Kelly’s copious back catalog of music videos, then took advantage of the thriving black market in Little Man-quality digital-effects wizardry to Frankenstein together Kelly’s face and the urinator’s body. (Sparkle’s motive for putting her niece in the video is less clear. For the sake of argument, let’s assume that she was mad at her for, say, borrowing her glitter without permission.) After Kelly refused to pay to keep the video under wraps, Sparkle sent the video to the Chicago Sun-Times, willing to make her niece collateral damage to disgrace the man who’d done her wrong.
The defense rests.
-Ronya
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holy.
Oh, Ronya. Ronya. If you knew what I have in mind for my post “Joseph’s Dream (The Illustrated Version)”.
Oh, girl.
Wow. I mean–Wow.
Let’s invite Sparkle into the flock.
Let’s invite Juror #44.
“I’ve been waiting fucking half an hour for a drink!” he shouted.
Definitely awesome.
There’s also a third (or, if you prefer, eighth) piece analyzing the not-guilty verdict:
“The legal lesson here: If your star witness is the kind of character who would have a threesome with R. Kelly, you probably need to find yourself a better star witness.”
Ohh Matt, I forgot about that last piece- thanks! I think Josh Levin is a fuckin’ genius, and possibly one of the funniest writers around.
One of my personal favorites from the series: “If there’s a life lesson to be taken from the R. Kelly trial, it’s that when you’re trying to help your niece launch a music career, perhaps it’s best to widen the search for mentors beyond the man who sings ‘It Seems Like You’re Ready’ and ‘I Like the Crotch on You’”.
Noted.
Why oh why can’t I get a jury spot in a trial like this? Why????
Sheila, I’m changing my name to #44. That should help.
Didn’t this hit at about the same time as “Two Girls, One Cup”?
“I like the crotch on you” is totally going to be my pick-up line for the Summer of 2010.
R. Kelly brings me great joy. He makes the funniest songs ever!
I’m sorry- I have to post one more memorable paragraph. I gots the giggles:
“…For all of this seemingly devastating testimony, I’m guessing the prosecution wishes they never called Lisa Van Allen. Adam Sr.[defense attorney], who looks like Ed Asner, dresses like he’s colorblind, and talks like a crusty old sea captain, doesn’t bother to refute the alleged threesomes—a wise gambit when your client’s latest album (Double Up) is an extended paean to the virtues of three-way sex. Just as Kelly’s attorneys painted former Kelly protégé Stephanie “Sparkle” Edwards as a disillusioned extortionist, the defense harps on Van Allen’s motive and credibility. It’s a winning strategy: By the end of the afternoon, her carnal knowledge of the alleged victim recedes from memory, replaced by a long list of accusations from Adam Sr. that seem less crazy the more you hear Van Allen talk—that she made herself cry on the stand, stole Kelly’s $20,000 diamond-encrusted Rolex, conspired to extort money from the singer, offered to change her testimony for cash, and has a thing for men who’ve been convicted of federal bank fraud. (Van Allen’s fiance Yul Brown, like onetime paramour Damon Pryor, has been convicted of federal fraud charges. And for what it’s worth, Brown is wearing the most amazing outfit I’ve ever seen: an iridescent blue-green five-button suit that shifts color every time he takes a step, sort of like a hybrid between a Hypercolor T-shirt and a Magic Eye puzzle…)”
“Okay–but only if you get me one of those suits.”