August 20, 2010
from the headlines
Big bellied man robs jelly-bean store
comments
Leave a Reply
comments:
- Joel Bernstein: I know right?
- Rick Neece: Being nice is a dainty way to put it.
- Rick Neece: Hey Cristopher? Who cried “uncle” first, at the end of your ten-year stand-off? To quote my...
- Michael Smith: Ours is the kitchen.
- Amy Mabli: That’s what happens when you give the dogs the bed.
- Deron Bauman: Sweet Jesus.
- Michael Smith: Don’t we all.
- Pam: I have a story coming out soon in a ‘little mag’, Chicago Quarterly Review. An old friend recently...
- Pam: And I thought, somedays, that my work was meaningless…
- Pam: I remember Eggleston at the Art Institute in Chicago a couple years ago. He was elegantly dressed in a dark suit...
- Christopher Walken: Hey Clusterflockers, Realize y’all are hurting. I’ve been a really close friend of my...
- Marco: This works pretty well in mobile, more so in iOS
- Michael Smith: It was not the intent of management to imply all sissies are “namby pamby”. Management was...
- Rick Neece: I take umbrage with the term “namby pamby.” Some sissies are fierce.
- Carole Corlew: Shelia. Happy no big deal day. I would start your very own post but this phone is in semi rebellion.
oh hell yes.
Big bellied man robs jelly-bean store, fails to grab handful on way out
Lauren, right? This story would have been much better had he stolen cash and Jelly Beans.
“Fill this bag with Jelly Beans. Oh…and empty the register.”
Had he stolen only jelly beans, he would have been my new hero.
Big-bellied man.
Jelly-bean outlet store.
Pepper-spray canister.
Oh, and Folsom Premium Outlets.
Similar to, but not exactly like, the Folsom State Prison.
Rosanne Cash live at Folsom Premium Outlets.
I don’t think it’s true anymore, but used to be that the residents of Folsom didn’t have to sort their garbage. It was all brought to the prison where lucky inmates would separate the trash from the recyclables. I think someone figured out that, with the rise in identity theft, it would probably be best not to send people’s trash to convicted felons.
There’s a Taco Bell in the food court. Slightly discounted tacos*.
*items sold at the Taco Bell Outlet might have slight imperfections.
It’s man with a big belly, people. Have some sensitivity.
Wow. Taco Bell. That’s just the kind of high-end eatery you want to find at your designer outlet mall.
Premium.
And by “food court” I mean the corner where there’s a Taco Bell and a TCBY.
Hey, the Jelly Belly is between Le Gourmet Chef and Zumiez.
What’s Zumiez?
Not too far from Ultra Diamonds and the Sunglass Hut.
Zumiez is like a skater shop for people who like to look like they skateboard. It plays really loud music and sells marked up clothing made by companies like Volcom and Hurley.
I think of it as Hollister for wannabe punk rockers.
I’ve just decided that if I were to rob a Jelly Belly store I’d get one of those fake big bellies and wear it as my disguise. I wouldn’t even need a mask because the media would be so focused on my belly.
I’d steal only Jelly Beans and be Lauren’s hero.
It’s the perfect crime.
If I were to rob a Jelly Belly store, I’d wear a plastic horse head.
I don’t know what I’d wear to rob Zumiez.
If I were to rob a Zumiez I’d probably wear all Mossimo brand clothing from Target. They’d be too busy mocking my outfit that looked exactly the same as the clothes they sold but cost 75% less to even care that I was stealing all their wallet chains.
Mr. Smith, you have a criminal mind. I admire that in a man.
Sheila, as it happens I found myself at the scene of the crime (or near it) just across the way at Banana Republic getting myself a pair of jeans.
[...] update Folsom police say that the man known as the “Jelly Belly Bandit” has been arrested after a short chase. posted by Michael Smith in adventure, calm the fuck [...]