January 8, 2011
Your Friends Aren’t That Happy
A recent study by Stanford University finds that we’re pretty poor judges of our peers’ inner lives and that, in fact, our friends who seem to have their lives together aren’t nearly as happy as they seem:
The paper was based on the doctoral dissertation of psychologist Alexander H. Jordan, now a research fellow at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth College. Jordan noticed that some of his friends became “upset after reading others’ posts on Facebook,” according to a Stanford press release.
“They felt disappointed with their lives when they logged onto Facebook and browsed the apparently ‘perfect’ lives presented by their peers,” he said. “I wondered whether people might harbor a more general illusion that others’ lives are cheerier than they actually are.”
In addition to noting this Facebook effect, the paper also suggested that the tendency to underestimate other people’s woes explains why humans seek out tragedy in entertainment.
Grace and I have been having an ongoing conversation about this very issue. Being young and newly married in the age of social networks, our peers’ projections of their ideal selves can be a pretty daunting example to live up to (marriage always looks so polished and perfect in a status update). I always had an inkling that it was mostly bullshit, but it’s nice to have the science to back it up.
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Everything is curated.
How we present our inner lives (and the degree to which we reveal them) is something I have been discussing with several people. Your post is timely, Josh.
Although it’s funny, some people don’t do that, Josh. There are plenty who do, granted. But I have a few FB friends who just flat out tell it, fights with the wife, job woes. Another friend was telling me that an old classmate of hers has been talking on Facebook about being homeless.
Generation gap maybe?
It’s all performance, even when we’re not aware we’re performing.
And the self is a fiction.
And I live to embellish.
(I’m just showing out.)
As long as you steer clear of the next step after showing out, which is acting a fool.
I think I’ve already exceeded the limits of acting a fool.
You don’t have a clue about your competition there. In Hazel Green. It defies rational thought.
When I first joined Facebook and went hunting for old classmates, I found someone who was connected to some friends that I knew but not well. What caught my eye was her picture – a close up of her bruised face. On her wall was a running argument between her and her roommate’s girlfriend. Something akin to a cat fight. Point is that I am very happy that’s not what I am exposed to on Facebook. That person would get removed.
On the other extreme: I can only chuckle after I have a long conversation with a sad friend only to see her write something uber cheery in her next status update.
I get sad when I see frantic updates about a fabulous marriage that I know is anything but. Are they wishful thinking? Hoping if they write it, it will be? Is a spouse watching and this is a way of placating?
I think people don’t realize they’re at a low point. It’s plain old denial.
True words, Christopher. I am the queen of denial, though (being too clever by half and all), I don’t cloak myself in false cheer but in something of a more subtle weave.
There is such a thing as outsmarting yourself, and lately it’s occurred to me I may have done so in a way that has not worked to my advantage.
Remember when living wasn’t a performance?
Andrew: When exactly was that?
Andrew, I remember when I decided that it didn’t have to be.
And now, we hear from Amanda Mae on the subject.