March 4, 2011

A zero-star review

Our servant glides past and does a silent-movie double take. “Your snails!” he exclaims. “They have not come!” His cheeks bulge as he flaps his short arms. In all my years of professional eating, I have never seen this before. I have seen waiters do many, many things, including burst into tears and juggle knives, and I once glimpsed one having sex. But never, ever has a waiter commiserated with me about the lack of service.

Twenty minutes later, possibly under their own steam, the snails arrive.


  1. Joel Bernstein on March 4th, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    “The cramped tables are set with labially pink cloths, which give it a colonic appeal and the awkward sense that you might be a suppository.”

  2. Sheila Ryan on March 4th, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    My own “worst restaurant” tales pale.