November 17, 2011
You make me wanna shoop.
What are you supposed to do when you want to have sex more than your boyfriend does?
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comments:
- Joel Bernstein: I know right?
- Rick Neece: Being nice is a dainty way to put it.
- Rick Neece: Hey Cristopher? Who cried “uncle” first, at the end of your ten-year stand-off? To quote my...
- Michael Smith: Ours is the kitchen.
- Amy Mabli: That’s what happens when you give the dogs the bed.
- Deron Bauman: Sweet Jesus.
- Michael Smith: Don’t we all.
- Pam: I have a story coming out soon in a ‘little mag’, Chicago Quarterly Review. An old friend recently...
- Pam: And I thought, somedays, that my work was meaningless…
- Pam: I remember Eggleston at the Art Institute in Chicago a couple years ago. He was elegantly dressed in a dark suit...
- Christopher Walken: Hey Clusterflockers, Realize y’all are hurting. I’ve been a really close friend of my...
- Marco: This works pretty well in mobile, more so in iOS
- Michael Smith: It was not the intent of management to imply all sissies are “namby pamby”. Management was...
- Rick Neece: I take umbrage with the term “namby pamby.” Some sissies are fierce.
- Carole Corlew: Shelia. Happy no big deal day. I would start your very own post but this phone is in semi rebellion.
Two boyfriends.
At least.
I read something about something awhile ago… I think it was called masturbatin’. Anyhow, it sounded pretty cool.
I think the equation is:
B=2L+1
Where B is boyfriends and L is libido.
Call me?
I think Aaron’s onto something. Maybe the next big thing.
Also, there is something wonderful in sharing a good recreational video you found, with someone you love.
Do you work from home? You probably get a lot done.
Some days, yes! Some days, no.
Just now, I work from home half-days.
You guys, I just found myself wanting to address the question in a clinical way. Yikes.
I know.
Well I wanted a real answer? I want to be monogamous, I do masturbate but the sex is mind blowing and incredible so I’d rather just have more of it. He works a lot and is often very tired.
Gimme the clinical Kels.
I think my answer was real. No one loves us as much as we love ourselves. (Or no one hates us as much as we hate ourselves.)
Rick, that sounds like something I would happily put on a needlepointed pillow and place on my sofa. Or bed. I like it.
It starts with a sound commitment, and after that the answer is almost always conversation. The conversation is tricky, because there’s a chance that it will be received as an attack even under the best circumstances. Present your needs coherently, and accept that you may not get what you want. Usually just airing your desires sparks a shift, because you’ll gain some insight into his thoughts on the matter. Or even without that, it’ll be difficult for him not to be mindful of your conversation as you continue spending time together. You aren’t dating a narcissist, are you?
The other option is “spicing things up,” a gamble that may be received as either the hawtness or the awkward. Christopher, I’m rooting for the hawtness with you.
Hey, what’s shoop?
From the Salt-N-Pepa song, shoop?
Okay.
Ugh. I feel like a douchy life coach. You know what? Don’t pay any attention to me. I’m getting worse at the Internet every day.
You’re not douchey, Kelsey. Christopher wanted a plan and you gave it to them.
I second the talking idea.
While most men are not ok with the “two boyfriends” idea, I find that many are amenable to the idea of a girlfriend.
Just grab his dick. If I’m feeling “too tired” it’s amazing how quickly I’m energized by a hand on the dick. Seriously.
Testify.
Amen.
There’s something really repulsive about that to me. Maybe it’s just the phrasing. Something that signifies a lack of regard for the desire or inclinations of the other person.
I think in American culture we’re taught that men should be the aggressors and “want sex” more than women, so what are people supposed to do when they don’t fit into those categories?
Unless there’s an underlying communication or trust issue (or he’s being dishonest about his reason for lack of interest) his reaction won’t be repulsion.
Yeah, but I think I understand what Amanda is saying. By resorting to, what would be, a purely physiological reaction to stimulus the person instigating the sex is ignoring the psychological wants or needs of the other.
Which can be a little repulsive.
From a male perspective, I don’t think that’s necessarily the case — unless, as I said, there’s a deeper issue.
Not that yours wasn’t a male perspective.
I like that addendum, Deron. My serious response: I do think that taking a more bold, proactive approach could work well at times — to initiate contact in a surprising and unexpected manner can be very effective. Break the expectations of the routine. Talk about what you like and what you think about when you know he’s in a receptive mood (I’m assuming the phrasing of the question means there’s still something going on from time to time). Talk (carefully) at other times to find out what’s going on that’s beyond just mismatched libidos, if anything.
Yes, a combination of communication and action.
Repulsive? What is repulsive about that???
How bout: “What works for us is when my partner softly caresses my sleeping member until it is awakened with desire?”
Our method—which works very well—is to let each other know when we’re in the mood, if it isn’t apparent to both of us. I’m not sure whose desire or inclinations aren’t being regarded (is it the grabber or the grabbee?), but for me, it lets me know my partner is in the mood. If it still ends up not being a good time I can just say so, and I have, but, as I noted, this method of communicating is very effective. For us, anyway.
We love each other, and the sex is an extension of that, but it’s still a physical act, defined by a physiological response for both of us. The psychoemotional stuff is present too, but it’s not like we have sex to show love. We don’t love because we have sex; we have sex because we love.
And regarding the desire/”aggressor” question: My partner routinely wants to have sex more often than I do; one reason is that I have to get up earlier and am often done for the night (as far as I’m concerned) earlier; some nights the last thing on my mind is sex—in fact some nights I’d be incredibly surprised if you told me I’d later be having sex—and yet it happens, due to “forthright communication.”
That said, I love morning sex, and on those occasions I’m usually the one getting things rolling, using a similar methodology.
Also, our communication is fantastic. We’re upfront, and we don’t play head games.
Just grab somebody’s dick. If I’m feeling “too tired” it’s amazing how quickly I’m energized by grabbing somebody’s dick. Seriously.
Just grab somebody’s dick. If I’m feeling “too tired” it’s amazing how quickly I’m energized by grabbing somebody’s dick. Seriously.
I can see that leading to trouble if it’s just a random somebody, rather than a boyfriend.
But who knows, maybe that’s the circle you run in—if it works for you and your friends, great.
I’m a dick grabber. Ask anyone.
Kathy, I’m singing that to the tune of “Girl Watcher”.
Salvo, I think it’s more accurate to say that the ol’ grabbing the dick move is an effective way to instigate a handjob — not necessarily sex.
Kelsey (and Salvo), I’m thinking grab his dick might have been a figurative expression of what might or might not involve literal dick-grabbing.
In the sense of, you know, literally grabbing a man’s dick.
Let’s back up [BEEP BEEP BEEP]. Christopher (I’m guessing you’re a woman, though I don’t know that), how is that you know your boyfriend wants sex less than you do? Is it that he doesn’t approach you — or that he’s unenthusiastic (or rejects you) when you come on to him?
Sheila’s question reminds me that I have SUCH STRONG OPINIONS about this, but it’s all very contextual.
It’s nothing if not contextual. That is what I was thinking this morning as I read through people’s comments. And so I don’t really know what to say.
It turns out that that masturbation thing I read about is really fun.
That, too.
yes I am biologically a woman and female gendered, I identify as a woman and also mostly identify as straight (have dated girls but no sexual experiences with a girl). yes well he does approach me sometimes. We often only see each other once or twice a week due to schedules. we are happy with the relationship, often thinking of fun dates that the other will enjoy, but we are just as happy staying in and getting pizza, watching a movie or tv. he sleeps over often though we may not have sex every time. when we do have sex it is often for a matter of hours, sometimes several times a day.
I feel like having sex every day, every time I see him. We’ve been seeing each other more than a year and I notice that when i kiss him lately i dont feel that same excitement i used to, but I trust him more than I used to, every month our relationship improves. when we talk, he is receptive and willing to talk through issues. i’ve brought up the lack of sex before as sometimes i feel i pressure him into having sex. hes a very inventive and willing sex partner when we do have sex, very concerned that I am taken care of, asking what can be done differently, or for me to show him. He’s never done anything to make me feel less than or used or objectified. On the contrary, from the conversations i have with other girls i know, hes pretty much exceptionally a gem in all the ways. other people express envy to me over the amount and quality of sex i have.
he doesnt instigate nearly as much as I would like him to, and half the time when I instigate, he’ll be unresponsive but then perhaps will reciprocate later. i genuinely believe he likes me and enjoys having sex with me.
This is gonna sound weird, and it’s totally not about you, but I’m identifying with your boyfriend really hard right now.
how do you mean dave?
We live together but work crossing schedules so don’t see much of each other, we’re often as happy to stay in as go out. We CERTAINLY don’t have sex every night. I feel like she probably wants more sex than we have. I’m usually more than happy to have sex with her in the morning, and we’re always into it by the time we do it, but if I have to work that morning it’s just not super feasible.
I’m also totally into making sure she’s taken care of, not for entirely unselfish reasons. But that wasn’t the question I guess.
I’m 30 years married, so there’s that. Why, just now I heard MGS in the kitchen say, “Why is it always about what you want?” He was talking to the cat.
Appetites vary. Somebody wants more, somebody less. And the conventional wisdom is that as time goes on, you stay who you are, just more so. This may be a trade-off. Or not.
Having more information (thanks Sheila) I’m going to go with Salvo’s advice. I mean sure, talk about it like Kelsey said, but the fact is that in a relationship there are going to be times when your partner has more or less desire for sex than you. That’s OK. If you want it, make it known and don’t wait for him to make a move.
But also, talk about it.
The last time I checked this post, there were zero comments. I was so disappointed. I can’t tell you how happy I am to be reading through all this now.
You guys and gals all know I heart you, yeah? (Even though some of you are patently nuts. (I mean that in the best possible way.))
Is there any other way, Jonathan?
Okay, now I have to weigh in and make all my own patently nutsness known.
First, CWalken: Have you not talked to the boyfriend about this issue? (I mean recently and specifically about this issue. This needs a conversation unto itself.) Did you come to us before you went to him? Go to him. One frank conversation really might solve the whole thing. Guys can get beaten down by this trope that girls are supposed to want less sex than they (we) are. Plus, always listen to Kelsey. Smart lady, she. (And quite skilled at the Internet too, pshh.)
Second, as much as I’m a huge fan of Aaron’s plan, as much as I’m the East Coast Distributor of Aaron’s plan, for me that’s an entirely separate thing—an almost entirely separate need—and one thing almost never satisfies the other. So I’m right there with you if that just plum doesn’t seem like a solution.
On the other hand (see what I did there?), I think there’s a lot to salvo/KHS’s plan. But there’s a specificity to it that’s important. The thing is: Instigate physically and directly. Not hintishly. Not from across the room. Don’t sidle up to him and whisper things in his ear (though that works too! but we’re not talking about that right now). Direct. Physical. If you try that once or twice, I don’t think it can possibly hurt.
But here’s the point I want to make: This shit is super important. Don’t gloss over it. Don’t chalk it up to differences of appetite that you just have to live with. Don’t. Do not. Sounds like you’ve got a serious (and good!) thing goin’ with this guy. You’ve gotta deal with this stuff right now, last week, before you come to us. Go to him. If this is important enough for you to post here about, it’s important enough to screw your shit up (both with this guy and maybe even with yourself) from the inside.
I’d be interested, Chris, to know how old you both are. But I’d certainly understand if you didn’t want to say.
Last thing. This MOppenheimer piece, “Married, with Infidelities,” is definitely worth a read here. In the end, though, the point is the one I just made: This shit is super important. Don’t gloss over it.
Since we’re all being douchy life coaches (boy, reading your own words about this stuff really does feel like that, eh?), lemme just contextualize what I said a little:
I’m 33. I have a seemingly unsatiatable sex drive. I’m married. I’ve been separated for the better part of a year. And sex is a huge part of why. (And it’s my take that it almost always is, in some way, shape, or the other thing.)
So take my first thing with the grain of salt of this second thing.
Jonathan, I read the article to which you link (and I’m going to reread it, as there’s a lot there that’s good). One assertion that hit me wrong, though, is that
I doubt most Americans asked themselves uncomfortable questions in the wake of that demonstration of public smugness and idiocy. (Other than the perennial, “Oh, fuck, what if I get busted/caught/outed like that unlucky sucker?”)
Yeah, ya know, Mark (Oppenheimer) is a friend/acquaintance/colleague of mine (he hosts a show on my station some parts of the year).
When that piece was published, as a journalist, your first reaction was, Man, did he get lucky with such a huge bit of news to peg that to (excuse all my unfortunate word choices there).
But if you thought about it for two more seconds, you realized there’s good material there that’ll kind of be hidden behind the stupid Weiner story for all time.
The Weiner bits of that piece seem halfbaked compared to the rest of it. To me.
Yes. I agree wholeheartedly.
A fine thread. Thanks CW.
Every time I try to imagine a couple whose sex drives match at every moment, all I can think of is Chip & Dale.
Or Matt Groening’s Akbar and Jeff.
I am in my mid twenties and he is in his early thirties.
I have talked to him about it recently. Within the past three weeks, it was good to talk about it more openly but we need to have another conversation about it. He knows I want sex all the time. We’ll be at a bar and he’ll ask me what I want to do, so I say “Go home and have sex?” Sometimes we do sometimes we don’t. I’ve gotten more vocal about it though.
Yeah, like I have no problem with masturbating, no problem with him watching porn or masturbating, but yeah, to me it’s not the same or even close. I like it, I can get where I need to go much quicker but nothing approximates the experience of actual sex.
I don’t gloss over it, obviously it’s important to me if I’m asking for advice about it. Every month is different and everything gets better. It’s something I’ve just recently noticed and something I’ve just recently began to talk with him about/”work” on. I hardly think it’s time to get freaked out about it. Like I said, I have spoken with him about it.
I appreciate your perspective I just sense a strange hostility within it.
I have read that article previously but looked through it again. I agree with it I suppose but as I thought about it for a while I think I’m pretty committed to making this a monogamous relationship. End one relationship before you get involved in something else.
Girl, you haven’t really heard a thing that’s been said. No hostility here that I can see. You asked. People listened and spoke. You brought up the subject.
Grow up.
If you’re in love with an asshole, throw him off and get on with your life.
You’ll both be better for it.
My reading of CW’s observation re: “strange hostility,” Rick, led me to believe that that is what she senses in Jonathan’s comments — something, I confess, I don’t perceive in them in the slightest. I found his remarks wise and courageous — and even rather caring, especially seeing as they were offered to a virtual stranger.
Virtual strangers who happen by, get the full-brunt. My comments aren’t made to turn anyone off c’flock, just to help. Jonathan brought some beautiful comments. I felt they’d been glossed over.
I don’t need to defend Jonathan, or you, or clusterflock. But this particular needs to know it ain’t all about her.
Also, it’s looking as though I’ll need to work several full-time jobs till I have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, so I’m scouting around for a second career to add to the floundering first. I’m thinking I might have what it takes to be a douchy life coach.
Oh. Wait. No. I did a couple of un-douchy coachy things lately, so I need to come up with something else.
Tell y’all later.
We are as one, Rick.
Sheila, we are.
This particular is sorry she didn’t explain herself better.
Rick, my comment about the hostility was directed towards Jonathan, and I think it may have been the wrong word. Jonathan was very brave in sharing what he did, and I appreciate the forcefulness he used (I think) I guess what I sensed was his applying of his own situation to my own. He is concerned (rightfully so) that my situation could be akin to his own marriage or situation (from what I gather) and is trying to steer me clear of that.
I bristled at the notion that I hadn’t spoken to my boyfriend about this already, that I was the sort of person who was willing to just live in unhappiness or that would simply let the issue go. It felt a bit like a talking down, but Jonathan doesn’t know me so that was unfair on my part. He didn’t mean it that way. Can’t get mad at people for not-knowing you when you haven’t made yourself known.
I have appreciated a great deal all I have heard here, it isn’t easy for people to give of themselves so freely. It hasn’t gone unheeded. I guess I just wished there was a magic solution, something simpler. I had thought of all this already, which is what made it feel so frustrating, but the solutions are really that simple. As you’ve all generously said, talk it out, grab it, or walk it out.
Sheila you should give tours of haunted sites in the midwest.
If Shelia was a tour guide of the boring suburbs of any city, I’d go on that tour.
I would make things up.
Ruben Bustes.
Bristling is good. Fuels a fire. I’ll come along with you and Sheila on a tour of any city.
Sheila, making it up would be the best part.
Whoops! Erica I didn’t mean to align you with Christopher Walken just then. Though, in my mind, you’d be welcome to join in on the tour.
Well you know it’s not me as I’m very much a single lass. Also, if Christina Walken just needed a decent vibrator, I’d be happy to recommend several.
Okay, people, before I slip into the arms of Morpheus:
While I did take issue with CW’s initial expression that she sensed something hostile in Jonathan’s comments, she expanded on that response in a way that made sense to me and seemed respectful to Jonathan.
Look, I know, I know, I’m the eternal ever-loving mediator — or a bumbling wannabe — but for almost all of us, I’d say, SEX IS REALLY CRUCIAL. And wanting more than you’re getting from the person you want can be kind of difficult if you’re not into seeking it elsewhere. I can understand this. And masturbation is a wonderful thing, but it’s a different kind of wonderful.
I have no real point to make here, it now seems, so, um, how about we, um, MAKE LOVE NOT WAR?
Good night, Gracie.
This is so, well, human. I took Jonathan’s comments to be partly a reaction to my “appetites vary” phrase. Which I said because Christina Walken had already said she had talked to him, that she had initiated. So after you talk and initiate and things don’t improve and you are still unhappy, it stands to reason that you face facts, then you decide what to do. You deal or you walk.
The thing that strikes me here CW is that you are young, the relationship is basically still fledgling and you see each other only once or twice a week. And even then sometimes you and your love don’t end up in the bedroom. I will be very blunt. When I read that I flinched for you. Because I have been there and it hurts. I don’t even know what to offer that will be helpful. My situation did not end well. I am sorry. I am hopeful for yours.
Paging Christina Walken, I think you should read this. I forgot to look for it the other day, so it may help you. Besides, Sugar gives better advice than all my advice giving friends combined.