July 27, 2012

In the Loop

Rust. Irony can be found in iron itself. The carpet is not made of felt; the gray fibers are compressed years of fur, soil, and traffic. We organize a backyard BBQ and everyone brings potato salad. All of the potato salad is contaminated with e coli. What are the odds of that happening? You negotiated a 30% discount for your new tattoos but the artist used beige ink exclusively. Beyond normal expectations, we got it right! Unfortunately we are unable to locate, recognize, or analyze the data.

I want the job more than anything I’ve desired since the start of this conversation, but getting up at 11:00 in the morning is unreasonable. You pushed and the door said “Pull.” There are at least a dozen examples of why this is a false assumption. It’s not as if I wasn’t held enough as a child; hell, it always took at least four or five people to do it. Don’t breathe—just s-q-u-e-e-z-e the trigger. It won’t be long before you’ve mastered using the TV remote my young son.

If I had a pound of cake batter for every time you complained, we would be able to sail around the world. Holding a pet reduces your blood pressure, although holding a grudge can take years off someone else’s life. I wish you would stop staring at me. Are you so fascinated with my hotness? I’ve collected string for decades and yet I won’t consider winding it into a huge ball just so that tourists can come and pay money to gawk at it and judge me. We’re going to need a lot more condiments.


More of the same, and less, (here).


  1. Sheila Ryan on July 28th, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    A lot more condiments, and that’s the truth.

  2. Sheila Ryan on July 29th, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Rust Irony is my drag name.

  3. Michael Grant Smith on July 29th, 2012 at 7:32 am

    You can call me Beige Ink.

  4. Sheila Ryan on July 30th, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Call you the Pee King.

  5. Michael Grant Smith on July 30th, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    I see what you just did there.

  6. Sheila Ryan on August 1st, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    You was peeking. You nasty man, you.