Christmas letter from Lloyd and Joy Shank:
We don’t want to alarm any of you right at Christmas but we opted for holidays in the bunker this year. It won’t be long and a one-burner camp stove will be the best present anybody ever got. We prayed on it but what’s what is what the plan says is what’s on the way. Hold on Joy’s gone jumpy again. Okay. So we bought a dozen FEMA trailers for near nothing and buried them all in a circle. They are all connected so you can run laps in here, which will help when the boys get sports going again after the End.
You remember that big hail storm in June? It was our faith-based auto dent repair business that got us the money for our retreat. Anyway we figure money will be no good pretty soon, but ammo’ll get you a lot of whatever’s left. We got a thousand boxes of 12 gauge shells and enough .223 and 9 mil to make a drug lord shit biscuits.
Joy keeps wanting me to buy more needles. I say Damn, how many needles—but she does her fingers that way all up around her face, so I drive over to that sewing store and get all they have again.
We caught Donnie and Bobbie and Nubby trying to sneak in a dog and a girl and a set of leather sheets. I don’t know—you have to have some flexibility if you want to get through world destruction. Joy is worried that without their phones they will hallucinate voices, so we got them each a MP3 Bible. That and the 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzles ought to keep them busy. One’s a nativity scene and the other is a scene with Tom Cruise in War of the Worlds.
Speaking of drugs I got Joy a 5-gallon paint can full of her bi-polar medicine. Don’t want to run short of that! Also, don’t worry about us and food—we have one room with half a dozen freezers in it, all full of brisket. We are still on county electric, but when that gets snuffed we have a nice generator we got new at Big Lots for $299. I plan to use some duck tape and plastic to convert one of the bathrooms we don’t use into a smoker.
So the boys have plenty to do, and Missy, Lizzy, Krissy, and Aprilday can help keep the place neat. The girls are really growing now that we are underground.
I guess God works in ways he hasn’t thought much about. If we are all still here next year, well, we will still be ready. We don’t want anybody to suffer, but sometimes that’s the price you people have to pay to make the little bits come together like letter cereal making sense in your bowl.
So don’t forget to lock up and turn everything off, and we will see you when everybody falls in for roll call in the New day.
Duck! (ha ha) Love Lloyd, Joy, Donnie, Bobbie, Nubby, Missy, Lizzy, Krissy, Aprilday, Tyrone, Wanita, and Ching-may.