December 7, 2012

dear clusterflock

Loss of control over WHICH BODILY FUNCTION do you find most comical? KEY TO YOUR PERSONALITY!

I’m a sucker for vomit. Vomit anecdotes almost invariably crack me up.

It was Wednesday morning, and I was driving west on Interstate 74, just outside of Galesburg, Illinois, when I abruptly vomited, first into my right hand, then onto the floor near the console. Actually, the ejecta was something like ectoplasm, coffee-scented slime flecked with tiny bits of egg. Mucosal projectile vomiting.

The slime on my hand posed a driving challenge, seeing as I drive stick. (A friend suggested third gear is most versatile in these situations.) But I made it to a rest stop a couple of miles down the road.

Ordinarily, I stock the Honda Element with paper towels, along with water, jerky, toe and finger warmers, Mylar blankets, and other such upper Midwestern winter survival supplies, but Wednesday I was out of paper towels. And the state-operated rest stop had none, although they did stock a good supply of those free publications devoted to rip-off hotel coupons and to trucker hook-up ads. These are adequate for a first pass at cleaning your vehicle’s interior, especially if we’re talking molded plastic.

It was pretty funny. So funny that the first thing I did on my return to Galena was to tell friends my vomit story.

Which bodily betrayal is your favorite?

comments

  1. Casey Cichowicz on December 7th, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I’m too squeamish to have a favorite.

  2. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Not even snot?

  3. Michael Grant Smith on December 7th, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Not exactly ejaculatory or explosive, but what’s up with all this hair that grows from my nose and ears?

  4. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Is it funny? The hair? Does it twine about your head like tendrils of a vine?

  5. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Oh, and boils. Excrescences on the skin can be entertaining.

  6. Michael Grant Smith on December 7th, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    No, but it hypnotizes the weak-minded when they engage in conversation with me.

  7. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Oh, yeah, that happens to me, too — when I’m talking to people and suddenly vomit egg-flecked slime!

  8. Erica Braverman on December 7th, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    MGS, I’m in charge of keeping my dad’s excess ear hair at bay and methinks I should open a business catering to those with ear hair.

    I will always be amused and alarmed by my bowels. Especially now that I’m lactose intolerant.

  9. Michael Grant Smith on December 7th, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Maybe the hair is the source of our super-powers, Erica.

    And lactose intolerance is the Kryptonite.

  10. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Oh, man. Just remembered something a friend told me about her father.

    He kept detailed notes concerning his “bowel movements,” which she discovered after he died.

    Favorite: “7:37 PM. Still something in there?”

  11. SC on December 7th, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Fifth grade field trip to visit Senator Strom Thurmond. I’m wearing a light brown corduroy suit (in May, in South Carolina), a white shirt, and a green (don’t know why) tie. My class gathers in Thurmond’s office. Thurmond shows up (with orange hair, even way back then) and socializes with the girls, and only the girls, in the class. Several young women sit in Thurmond’s lap while socializing. Our teacher asks the class to gather around Thurmond’s desk for a group photo. Photos are taken. Then, there’s a warm sensation around my tie and some sort of salty liquid in my mouth. My friend Jonathan looks at me and screams “Bathroom! Bloody nose!” then he puts his hand on my face, possibly to help, but he ends up making a bloody handprint on my shirt. I run to the bathroom and bleed for a while in a sink while security guys mill about like personal bathroom attendants. I take my shirt off, button my corduroy coat to the top, turn the collar up, and spend the rest of the field trip testing various theories of invisibility.

  12. Brent on December 7th, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    I’m surprised that our in-house expert on vomit hasn’t chimed in yet. Cindy? CINDY?

    In terms of funniness: vomit, then urine, then feces. Pooping your pants isn’t ever funny, although pooping in someone else’s pants is.

  13. Brent on December 7th, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Sheila:

    Next entry: “7:38: found flashlight, speculum, and mirror. Nothing to report.”

  14. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Cindy might be too busy vomiting to chime in on vomiting.

  15. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Oh, and Brent, I’m with you in your ranking.

    And pooping in someone else’s pants, or on their porch, or in their car — that’s pretty flaming funny.

  16. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Plus, you slay me with that “flashlight, speculum, and mirror” comment.

  17. rick neece on December 7th, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Okay. I’ll recall.

  18. Sheila Ryan on December 7th, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    UP-chuck!