January 6, 2013

The Ultra-Condensed Movies


Leonardo DiCaprio:

Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun.

Kate Winslet:

You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle.

(The ship SINKS.)

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Never let go.

Kate Winslet:

I promise. (lets go)



The Films of David Lynch

Some Woman:

I do enjoy my nice, idyllic lifestyle, but I hope that underneath my seemingly perfect suburban world there is corruption and evil.

(SOME WOMAN discovers her OWN CORPSE and is ARRESTED.)


Someday that gum you like is going to come back in style.

Hit Man:

(laughs cryptically)

(An EYE is slit open with a RAZOR BLADE. We learn that SOMEBODY was really SOME WOMAN all along, and they were on the MOON.)


Is it impossible to find the time to read every great book and watch all of the good movies? Same here. Don’t worry! It doesn’t have to be like that.

From the same helpful folks who created Book-a-Minute Classics.


  1. Sheila Ryan on January 7th, 2013 at 12:40 am

    In my mind, I’m condensing “Bonnie and Clyde,” but I’m too drunk and fatigued to post my — whaddya-call-it — my condensation. Yeah, that’s it. My condensation. [Hic!]

  2. Michael Grant Smith on January 7th, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Write drunk, edit sober.