January 30, 2013

Topiary the Efficient Modern Way

Six hundred topiary balls an hour. At least. Just imagine!

And there’s more — at Alexander Trevi’s Pruned:

In case you were wondering, they [Dutch company Gebroeders Ezendam] also have a GPS-propelled pruning machine. Give it a LIDAR scanning system, so it can build a 3D field map for better navigation and precision grooming. Give it extra processing power, and it can achieve full autonomy. And then some more, and keep on doing so until they reach sentience. At night after work, they’ll escape to their secret topiary gardens in the forests and perhaps in the cities, too, where they transgress from globules and Christmas trees to vegetal phantasmagoria.


  1. Joel Bernstein on January 30th, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Fixed the categories for you.

  2. Sheila Ryan on January 31st, 2013 at 12:39 am

    Balls! Why, yes. Thank you, sir.

  3. rick neece on January 31st, 2013 at 1:49 am

    At the Greensman, we call this “Prairie Village Boxwood Ball Syndrome.” We don’t use a machine to do it for clients who so desire, but we send our man Doroteo, who meticulously trims each branch to create a perfect ball. He don’t do ten balls a second. He also doesn’t use pruning shears–nippers is what he uses. Tenderly cutting each branch the correct length at the correct place on each stem. Sometimes we think he isn’t going fast enough, but one doesn’t rush perfection.

  4. rick neece on January 31st, 2013 at 1:52 am

    I confess I didn’t read the article. I jumped to conclusion. Do I need to read and restate?

  5. Sheila Ryan on January 31st, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Oh, you jumped to the right conclusion, Rick.

  6. rick neece on February 2nd, 2013 at 1:44 am

    I just had a look at the link. Applied Topiary. Stemmed Bushes (The technical term for “(Name your favorite shrub) on Standard.” It is essentially a shrub grafted onto a small tree trunk. One can get high-graft (30-36″) or low-graft (18-24″)) In front of our house, higher-end of low-graft, we have a “Bird’s Nest Spruce on Standard.” I’ll post a pic of it tomorrow, if I’m of-a-mind-to when I get up tomorrow.

    Oh, great Pavade, feel free to correct my punctuation if need be. It’s getting late.

  7. Sheila Ryan on February 2nd, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    I have no favorite shrubs.

  8. Sheila Ryan on February 2nd, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    In fact, I pretty much hate shrubbery.

  9. Sheila Ryan on February 2nd, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Rick, what is that awful evergreen shrub that every other-body used to plant around his house in the 1950s and 1960s? The kind you’d always fall into when you were running backwards? Is it a variety of boxwood or something else? I know you know what I’m talking about. It is the saddest, sorriest plant in all the world.

  10. Sheila Ryan on February 2nd, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Did I tell y’all that the man who bought my southern Illinois house said to me at the closing, “I’m going to try and talk my wife into planting hemlock around the property”?