“If you find that your opossum gets restless during this procedure, give it a grape.”
“Being a big guy certainly has its advantages”
A Little Cranky
Ok, so unless you are running an actual boutique, please don’t characterize your business as being a boutique. We hates that shit forever.
Quote Out of Context
The researchers created the material on the Pullman campus in a diamond anvil cell, a small, two-inch by three-inch-diameter device capable of producing extremely high pressures in a small space. The cell contained xenon difluoride (XeF2), a white crystal used to etch silicon conductors, squeezed between two small diamond anvils.
Peeps Expert
The trial, at which my friend, Andrew, is serving as an expert witness on the subject of Peeps, is drawing to an end.
On a Kid’s T-shirt (for sale) at Kohl’s
Awesome Ends With Me
Simple Pleasures
Quote Out of Context
They specifically informed us that they don’t want these pictures of the dead animals.
Small Talk with that Asshole Goose
Me: Hey, how’s it going?
Goose: HONK!
Me: Cool, cool. It looks like it’s gonna be a–
Goose: HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK! HONK!
Me: I don’t think you–
Goose: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Me: Jesus.
Goose: HONK!!! HONK!!!
We’re Gonna Stick It to a Whore So We Don’t Lose Our Mind
Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show
It’s funny because it’s true.
Who doesn’t like a snowcone?
If you have a moment, consider supporting my friend’s snowcone venture (Fresher Than Fresh Snow Cones) in Kansas City via Kickstarter.
“I’ll go through it with you line by line.”
I just keep on liking this guy.
Thanks, Shannon!
Hugs and Kisses
Shaving Points #2
There are oils, creams, cremes, foams, soaps, and gels all containing inexplicable and engineered molecules and/or the finest available botanicals. They serve either to facilitate the enactment of the sought after good, close shave or to soothe the hurt that accompanies it. And with a scent that evokes the essence of your particular brand of masculinity.
Someone Stole Your Idea
This is a very exciting time and we are both humbled and honored to be at the forefront of this new wave of music programming. So please welcome to 101.5 The Pole, the first of what will soon be the lap dance heard around the world. The Classic Non Stop Stripper Hits sound of 101.5 The Pole.
So sorry. NSFW-ish.
Shaving Points #1
For men (mostly white guys, I guess) shaving is one of those mundane activities that is overloaded with baggage of various sorts. A few of us are able to push this particular grooming ritual to the side through the ability to grow a beard of sufficient quality that it “works” for us on some level, like Barry Stone or Gandalf. Some of us depart from clean shavenness through force of will or via some sort of cultural loophole even though it looks terrible, like Francis Ford Coppola or Wolf Blitzer. The rest of us shave our faces. I will not address goatees, van Dykes, or other facial hair configurations more elaborate than your basic sideburns or state trooper moustache which differ negligibly from full-on clean shavenness.
I Could Watch These Damn Things for Hours. They’re Like Little Chocolates Mixed with Hugs.
Lightfoot
1-1/2 oz. Canadian Whisky
pinch sodium nitrite
Serve warm.
Taxidermist
2 oz. Southern Comfort
4 oz. Mountain Dew
Over ice with sawdust rim.
A-Beam
1 oz. Jim Beam
1/2 oz. A-1
Praise Him with Great Praise
I was cleaning out an old e-mail inbox and I rediscovered the story of King Mole. I’m sorry if you’ve seen this one before and I’m sorry if you haven’t.
Minor Personal Revelation
One of the main flavors in cola is cloves.
quote
…Hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
Isaiah 55:2
Water Delivery Bear
The bear who services the office water coolers is a boor. He scratches his back on doorjambs and pushes the buttons for every floor on the elevator.
A New Level of Ineffectual Douchebaggery?
I hope that this is a very good joke.
