Dallas Jail Guard Fired Over Comments
“I believe that all dinosaurs were born of Satanic angel who has sex with woman and the animal kingdom that created ungodly reptilian creatures none of these were on the Ark,” Johnson said.
Johnson also said that he didn’t believe in homosexuality and “that they should be put to death,” according to his statement. But he said his beliefs don’t lead him to treat gays differently.
And y’all wonder why we stay in Texas.
Home Improvement
Around the first of the year, we noticed some rotting wood at the bottom of the French doors in our living room. Daryl, in his usual master crafstman manner, slapped silver duct tape on it. It looks as elegant as you would imagine, and was prominently on display during each of the February visits from fellow flockers Sheila, Deron, Amy, and Phil.
So today I am making a special trip to Big Lots to purchase a roll of white duct tape. Because, look–I have my standards.
Hey, Deron
Remember that time Beavis called 911 to tell them that Butthead was choking? On chicken? And the 911 operator asked if he’d heimliched the victim? And Beavis said, “Did I lick his rectum? NO WAY! But, like, there was this one time….”?
That was funny.
Daryl’s Waking Words
I don’t like the font Home Depot uses on their prices.
Two Important Things I Learned Last Night
1. If something delights Sheila, she snorts. If the delight continues, she really does get down onto all fours and commences to cough.
2. If you give Deron a taste of coconut ice cream, he will make a face and spit it into the sink.
Also of note: We have 11 ladybugs in our bathroom.
Hey, Deron
Dear clusterflock
What will be your epitaph?
Good Thing it Wasn’t Bobby Goldsboro
A man has been ticketed for rocking out to John Denver.
Our Favorite Films of the Decade
Daryl and I made a list of our 10 favorite films of the last decade. They aren’t necessarily the best, but they’re the ones we most enjoy/admire. (They’re alphabetized–it’s hard enough to settle on a list, much less rank it.)
Babel
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Fog of War
The Hours
In Bruges
No Country for Old Men
Rivers and Tides
Sexy Beast
There Will Be Blood
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
Runners Up: Bad Santa, The Lives of Others, Pan’s Labyrinth
Did we forget anything?
Antiques Roadshow Outtake
This is a piece of shit.
My New Line of Gourmet Cat Food
Ground Sparrow Dinner
Flaked Goldfish in Savory Sauce
Waterbug Delight
Sliced Mouse with Giblets and Gravy
Dear Clusterflock
Would you rather have a lingering cold or get hit once with a hammer?
Three 2-Syllable Words I Like That End in Y
Fusty
Pocky
Tawdry
Texas Woman Fakes Cancer to get Implants
Authorities say a Texas woman lied about having breast cancer and spent $10,000 raised at a benefit to have her breasts enlarged. McLennan County sheriff’s investigator James Pack says in court records that 24-year-old Trista Joy Lathern shaved her head to look like a cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy.
Pack says Lathern wanted breast implants to try to save her seven-month marriage.
If I Ever Get A Chihuahua
I think I’ll name him Hector.
Sendak Documentary on HBO
Lance Bangs and Spike Jonze have created a remarkable short documentary, Tell Them Anything You Want: a Portrait of Maurice Sendak. In a mere 41 minutes, Sendak–presented through the sublime filmmaking abilities of Jonze and Bangs–captures what it means to be an individual, what it means to be human, and what it means to be a child. The film is so short and so casually presented that its hugeness sneaks up on the viewer. I’ve watched it twice and am ready to see it again.
I’m inarticulate this morning and can’t find my words. The film speaks beautifully for itself. Please watch it.
Horton Foote Enhances Harper Lee
Film version, To Kill a Mockingbird. Screenplay by Horton Foote. Atticus on the porch, overhearing the bedtime conversation of his children.
Jem?
Uh-huh.
How old was I when Mama died?
Two.
How old were you?
Six.
Was Mama pretty?
Uh-huh.
Was she nice?
Uh-huh.
Did you love her?
Yes.
Did I love her?
Yes.
Do you miss her?
Uh-huh.
Dear clusterflock
Do you have a mental calendar?
I see the year in two parallel, vertical lines of months: January – August on the left side, September – December on the right. The biggest transition of the year is the jump from August 31 (lower left) to September 1 (upper right). The jump from December 31 to January 1 is lesser but still significant.
Oh, Yeah? Well, our Church is Bigger than your Church!
“For more than 140 years, God has put First Baptist Church at the center of Dallas, the nation’s fastest-growing city in the heart of America,” Dr. Jeffress continued. “Jerry Jones recently unveiled a new $1.2 billion ‘temple to sport.’ In these tough economic times, why can’t we use our gifts to build a church building that provides a spiritual oasis and matches the splendor and majesty of God?”
Last Night at the Geriatric Cafeteria
One of the million things I love about Mia is her fondness for an independent cafeteria not too far from our house. She and I have dates on Thursday nights while Daryl teaches, and last night she wanted to go to the cafeteria. I am–at 51– invariably the youngest person there, save for Mia. She sits very happily and watches the old people totter about; she shows no sign of alarm or even curiosity about the sometimes odd behavior that surrounds us.
Last night, a very old fellow walked past our booth, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, apparently on his way to find an iced tea refill. A young cafeteria worker walked briskly past him–a good ten feet away–and the old fellow started tottering off in a different direction, apparently sent adrift by the young man’s wake.
Normally, the piano is set to its Player Piano mode, but last night a dapper old gentleman in cream-colored slacks played–mostly 1930s hits. At one point he glanced at me and saw that I was actually listening, so he launched into a surprisingly able jazz performance of Cry Me a River. He followed it, inexplicably, with a heartfelt rendering of the old hymn, He Walks With Me.
I’m not sure why I feel the need to tell y’all about this mundane experience that proved so unexpectedly powerful for me. But here it is.
Dear clusterflock
Any of y’all ever shot a man in Reno?
You Know What I Think Is Wrong With People?
They don’t get it when a person has a brilliant movie quote ready for every situation.
Thank You, Lex A
From the comments. I’m in heaven.
Why I Love Texas, No. 782
There were two guys in the closet. They appeared to be sleeping, one was snoring and the other was deceased,” said Assistant Chief Deputy Mark Herman. “It appeared that they were doing some sort of narcotics, at least the one that they woke up.
Hoppy Rabbit
The only bedtime story my father told me….
Hoppy Rabbit
Once upon a time there was a rabbit named Hoppy. One day he skipped school and went into town. He had a lot of fun. A nice man gave him a big bag of peanuts, and he sat down and ate the whole bag. By that time it was dark, so he raced home. His mother was MAD. She sent Hoppy to bed without his supper, and boy, was he glad, because he was still full from all those peanuts.
The End