Bad Aphorisms
Dare to hope, aspire to succeed, strive to excel, stop making so many to-do lists.
You are most likely unaware of how many problems you face, and that’s a big problem.
Poised at the brink of precipitous disaster, a man must pull back and consider taking the long way around or perhaps a bridge.
That which does not kill you probably left a trail of evidence and is fully prosecutable.
A scoped rifle and a clock tower will get you onto the evening news.
Fight for what you believe, and fail at it. Get up and try again. By the third time, reconsider your commitment to such a stupid idea.
Throughout history there have been moments like these when we must reflect on history.
Never open with a funny story. You’re not very good at it.
Comfort Food
You want two thick slices of meat loaf or three thin ones. Put mashed potatoes on the plate. Spoon some pan gravy on top. Butter two pieces of bread. Skip the green beans if you wish. Everything except the bread needs to be piping hot for this to work.
Unload the washer and transfer all of the clothes into the dryer. Medium heat for ninety minutes. Press the start button. Take that dog-eared poly-cotton blanket and make a little nest on the floor in front of the dryer. Sit on the blanket, with your back against the dryer door. Eat your supper.
An Introduction
My car is a Kia.
I drive to IKEA.
I had Chick-fil-A for lunch.
Transit
Don’t eat so much. You don’t have to keep going until everything is gone. The Clean Plate Club is not looking for new members. You are already full, so why do you continue eating? You taste nothing.
Review your hardware-store shopping list. Arrange the items in two categories: things that must be fixed before they break something else, and parts for projects you will never start. Stop choosing tools based on whether you think they will outlast your span of years. Do not synthesize memories and likely scenarios as you did last time.
Memorandum
All:
Please disregard my recent emails. Forget about the phone messages, too. I know I sounded angry and excited, but I’ve had a chance to think things over and I don’t feel the same as I did when I said all of those hurtful words. I won’t apologize for the basis of my comments—I have a right to my own opinions, especially because they are correct—but regret your exposure to that barrage of toxicity. And the physical threats. You’ll notice I did not say “sorry.” That word is for the weak.
42 S. Deacon St. #5
There are at least fifty things about her you cannot stand. Maybe a thousand:
She is soft and smells nice. Talks on the phone all day. Makes your favorite meals without being asked. Throws your Maxim magazines on the floor when she’s angry with you. Is sad when an animal gets hurt. Loses your car keys. Asks your opinion and listens to your response as if it matters. There’s more.
A Few Remarks
I sat next to him for almost two years. Inches apart, in fact, but there was a wall of sorts between us. Blue tweed-looking stuff stretched over a metal frame and filled with a thin layer of sound deadening material. It was not enough to prevent my hearing his chronic wheezing and throat-clearing.
The first week was not too bad. I was kind enough to welcome him into our little dysfunctional family. Show him how to do things and avoid the obvious rookie mistakes. He was slow to pick up departmental procedures and obstinate about what he thought he knew.
At what point did I stop trying to help him? It was when he took credit for projects that were not his own, compounded by a reluctance to admit he never knew what the fuck he was talking about. He couldn’t support an opinion or back up an assertion based on his own experience–Googling an answer was his method of showing how smart he was.
Misery Bear Goes to Work
Thanks, Jenny.
The entire series is pretty great/sad, especially Misery Bear: Dawn of the Ted.
Have a nice weekend
Eel removed from man’s bladder after entering penis during beauty spa
The tags on the sidebar are even more penissy, as if that’s possible.
A Lotta More
Before I can tell my story, I’ll need an old pickup truck. Ford or Chevy, it doesn’t matter. Not a Dodge. A little rust around the wheel wells is fine, but not so much of it that the fenders are flapping like a killdeer’s wings. Faded, powdery two-tone paint is acceptable. An old comforter covering the duct tape covering the high-mileage driver’s seat is okay, too. The truck should graze in clover and timothy up past the hubcaps. Yes, the windshield is cracked.
The Oracle
Dear Google,
How are you? I am fine. I have a couple of queries, so back the hell off with the auto-fill answers for right now, okay?
So, seriously, how do you know so much? If I could access useless information as quickly as you do, I would get totally laid. Lightning-quick responses to trivia questions are an absolute panty-dropper—everybody understands that women can’t resist a guy who can do that.
What Happened When We Moved Out Here
It’s a little out of the way. We love our new home but the location is relatively remote. Not Montana prairie far, and not Desolation of Mordor far, but you have to drive for almost fifteen minutes to get a gallon of gas or milk. We’re twenty-five minutes from the Interstate, so for the first time in decades I cannot sit on my porch and hear the hum of highway traffic. Are these the metrics that define civilization? Do you choose isolation or insulation?
The Lull in the Story’s Middle
In his mind’s nose, he could smell the burnt palm fronds from long-gone Lenten Masses.
I zipped my trousers and twisted around to be sure the rear flap was fastened securely — it would be too embarrassing to repeat the incident from last week.
“Never,” Olivier said, his mouth churning the mortar-like dough. “There’s no way I am finished with you yet, for sure. Your pastries are too delicious.”
Everything was going well, at least up to a certain point. I printed some $50 bills on my new HP DeskJet. They were perfect. Then I forgot to trim the eight-and-a-half by eleven paper.
Motorcycle Cage of Death: Juju vs. Mojo
It doesn’t get any better than things that have not yet happened.
Do I phrase my statements as questions and then answer them? Of course I don’t.
Frying and the element of risk
Some friends of mine are going on vacation. They ask me to house sit.
Upon my arrival, I survey the clinically modern kitchen. There isn’t much food. Thanks a lot.
I will come up with something edible no matter what is on hand. It is a challenge I always enjoy.
Figuring out where the utensils and implements are stowed is also part of the fun.
I wish I had my nice pans! How can people work with this junk?
Pushing back my sleeves, I begin washing my hands at the kitchen sink.
There is a pubic hair on the bar of soap.
It isn’t mine. I have not yet undressed.
Not Nearly Perishable
I’m not one of those boutique survivalists. You know the type: the ones who buy up every case of expensive thirty-year shelf life turkey chili they can find, and then gorge on it secretly, pre-Armageddon, while they’re alone watching Seinfeld reruns. They don their radiation suits and prance around in front of full-length mirrors. Drop water-purification tablets into bottles of Perrier. Fucking posers.
Frank’s story about Pierce
Them’s the breaks, as my half-brother Pierce used to say a lot. He’d spit it out like you had earned that bad thing comin’ and why didn’t you just get outta the way but nobody said it out loud when he got so drunk and walked in front of an F-350 dually. Twenty four breaks as I recall although that’s skipping the bones that got all crushed up like oyster crackers.
What I learned today while shopping
I take some paid time off the day before Christmas Eve and do about 95% of my shopping — with clarity and focus. No desperation gifts, just the rendered essence of giving; a reduction sauce of I hope you like this. I enjoy the day.
Did you know?
- After they have loaded groceries into their car, Trader Joe’s customers return empty shopping carts to the store instead of leaving them in the parking lot.
- Guitar Center makes buying musical instrument accessories as cool as a trip to Home Depot.
- Liquor stores could close January through March thanks to all the business they do this week.
- I took a little break and had some coffee. Newspapers are now printed on 15% smaller paper or I am 15% bigger.
- When they pull out into traffic, motorists in Miamisburg near the Dayton Mall will aim for your car.
- I’ll punch you in the neck if you say you have more Christmas spirit than I do. Fuck you.
Splendid Holiday Recipes — From My Home to Yours
Cook up some of these yummy, festive treats and it will be as if all y’all are here with me in the comfort and warmth of my own little kitchen. Enjoy!
The only thing I think about this time of year is sharing food and drink with my family and friends. My family, at least — I don’t have many friends besides old Mrs. Crotch next door, Doug (I think that’s his name) at the beer drive-thru, and Yelling Boy, that skateboard kid who screams at me when I walk out to my car after work.
No matter how delicious my recipes turn out, I thrust ahead on my journey toward culinary transcendence. My pilgrimage excites and terrifies me. There are so many foods yet to put in my mouth. I need more time.
Seasoned Greetings, fellow travelers!
Best Eggnog Ever
A traditional wintertime beverage, now with bold, modernistic tweaks.
1 qt. skim milk
1 dozen eggs
3 cups dairy sour cream
1 cup plus one tablespoon powdered non-dairy creamer
1 pint vanilla-flavored liquid antacid
2 cups canola oil
1 liter premium Scotch whisky (gin or tequila may be substituted)
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Whisk canola oil, non-dairy creamer, and antacid into the eggs and beat until mixture becomes blended and frothy. Slowly add sour cream and skim milk; mix thoroughly. Leave uncovered and allow to stand at room temperature for one week. Stir in liquor and refrigerate for at least two hours. Serve chilled and sprinkle with nutmeg and cayenne pepper. Enough eggnog for five or six guests.
It took me a while to figure it out
Michael and Sarah have the same last name.
No Comment about the Cat Food
I stop at the janky little supermarket to pick up a couple of things on my way home from work.
The kid at the checkout pushes my high-fiber lite bread across the scanner and says,
“Whoa, that bread is really soft!”
I smile and wish he would not talk about my food.
From Duncan
O Daddy
I am intoxicated by the liquor
of your butt crack.
Your sweet, sweet funk is enough
to sustain my joy—
just barely.
I can’t tell if you’re scratching my head
or pushing me away.
As if I care!
Throw the damned ball.
Throw it now.
Throw it.
Dear clusterflock,
Imagine not worrying about your financial obligations.
If you could pay for everything you think is essential to your existence and still have unlimited resources with which to indulge your passion for collectibles, what would you buy?
Read more
Baby and Bucky
The late afternoon sun broiled the self-storage units’ flat rooftops. A mirage effect created the illusion of a cool lake floating atop wide, low block buildings. Bucky leaned back until his plastic deck chair quivered on the blacktop.
“Why do they call it late?” Bucky said to Baby and no one in particular. “It’s here at the same time every day, more or less.”
Baby’s hair permanently screened her right eye like a curtain of fine blonde steel wool.
“You are the mighty oak that shades my babbling brook, King Dynamite,” she said with a yellowish smile. “I dream constantly of your stout trunk and overspreading limbs.”
Leonard “Bucky” Sawtooth was not handsome, unless he stood in a crowd of ugly men. Bucky did not seem to be particularly intelligent, unless he was packed into a room full of idiots. He was tolerated and mostly adored by his common-law wife, Doreen Shaker. Bucky called her “Baby.”
Midlife Banking Crisis
If I “borrow” something from you, at the time I receive it I really, really intend to give it back. It’s still yours — you’ll simply never see it again. When I ask my next-door neighbor if I can use his Husqvarna chainsaw, I always, well, almost never, return it. “Stealing” denotes acquisition through violence or sneakiness; “borrowing” is defined by unreasonable expectations of repatriation.
