In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah
Everything changed the night I saw Sarah speak at the Republican National Convention. I was captivated by her passion, her perkiness, her adorably flat accent. Wouldn’t I just love to hear her say my name — to call me her own special “bad guy”? You betcha.
I have already composed a list of nearly three hundred catch phrases and special little pet-names we can use to ignite exchanges of whispers, giggles, and knowing looks with each other. I can’t wait.
Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers
Washington, DC — Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history’s dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush’s current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
“The Administration’s handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush’s credibility,” senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. “It’s like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
Team of Mavericks
League of non-conformists.
Alliance of loners.
Gaggle of rebels.
Coalition of dissenters.
The Poetry of Sarah Palin
“Outside”
I am a Washington outsider.
I mean,
Look at where you are.
I’m a Washington outsider.I do not have those allegiances
To the power brokers,
To the lobbyists.
We need someone like that.
Lower Stories: Brandon in Baghdad
Brandon had a troubled adolescence. He was always in trouble and partied too much. He fought with his bipolar stepfather, and his mother would stop the ruckus by calling the police. Brandon barely graduated from high school.
He joined the Marines and was assigned to a mortar squad. Brandon carried the mortar. When he got to Iraq his job was changed to military intelligence, where he worked on encryption.
Brandon came home this summer and can’t wait for his next deployment. It will be in Afghanistan. He’s looking forward to killing someone there.
Miley Cyrus Fires Disney
“It seemed like we were doing our job and getting along with Miley,” said Disney senior spokesdwarf, Obvious. “Now we’re hurt, angry, and confused. We’d like to punch her in the throat but she is just so damned cute.”
Tensions between Ms. Cyrus and Disney had been escalating for months amid rumors of the teen phenom agreeing to appear in a cheesy cinematic adaptation of a cheesy Nicholas Sparks novel, and as a young Carrie Bradshaw in the highly anticipated Sex and the City prequel, Heavy Petting and the City.
Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black
“We accumulate plenty of raw data,” said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, “even when we don’t embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it.”
“This week,” he continued, “49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?”
When I’m Rich
When I’m rich I will be the same person but a lot wealthier and shallower. Read more
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
Lower Stories: Brian at Dayton Tire
Brian worked at the Dayton Tire warehouse on the west side in the early Eighties. It was a bad neighborhood, even back then. He and some co-workers would go get sandwiches and forties on their lunch break.
They’d sit in a pickup truck parked in a lot across from the warehouse, eating, drinking beer, and smoking reefer. One of the guys pulled out a .38 and fired some rounds into a stop sign. Brian freaked out but the police never came. “They’re afraid to get out of their cars around here,” is what his friends told him.
Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet
Some of the most prominent and glamorous celebrities are now forced to order their domestic staff to serve frozen creamed orphan on toast points or canned poached breast of bald eagle instead of fresh.
Meanwhile, average Americans who are not famous or popular or attractive are subsisting on diets of wienie water, dust bunnies, and grass clippings.
Particle Collider Successful, Watermelons Next
Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?
“The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure,” project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. “We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap.”
Dear clusterflock
Everybody has a “street” name. Mine is DJ Jazzy Asscrack.
What’s yours?
Lower Stories: Patrick in Dayton
Patrick is a Web developer for a large Internet retailer. He is a big, shuffling, bearded guy with dark-rimmed eyeglasses and lots of curly hair. Patrick doesn’t speak much, so it was surprising he initiated a conversation right there at the vending machine.
Patrick bought cookies and talked about how a million United Nations troops are massed in the U.S. The soldiers are waiting for their signal to begin rounding up people. Dissenters and undesirables will be transported on buses and railroad cars to internment camps already set up out west.
“It will be like Nazi Germany,” Patrick says.
Get Rich Quick Scheme
Find the highest bridge over a river. Jump off the bridge. If you don’t die, the impact will turn the change in your pocket into dollar bills.
There’s a Party in My Pants
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills — and strong hands like a farmer’s wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
Nude Photos Sidetrack McCain Campaign
The 2008 Republican National Convention has had its share of twists and turns so far.
Much like Mr. McCain’s sluggish White House bid, hurricane Gustav launched itself upon the United States with less force than predicted. Many RNC events and speakers were postponed or cancelled in anticipation of Katrina v2.0 — including plans for Ms. Palin to pop out of a comically large cake while clad in a skimpy swimsuit.
Experienced observers of jacked-up elections admit that Ms. Palin might not be hot enough to ride out the ever-growing storm of criticism that surrounds her, leaving the embattled Mr. McCain no option except to throw her under the wheels of his “Straight Talk Express” bus.
Clusterdouche, Redesigned! Huzzah!
One of my favorite sites. I’ve linked to them before. These guys are the happy warriors in the campaign against douchebaggery. Spiffy facelift and lots of new content. Not for the faint of heart or anyone who thinks the Earth is less than 5,000 years old.
Catering the Rapture
Special Report — I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There’s no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
Lower Stories: Mr. Starks and Mr. Green in Dayton
Starks and Green were nightshift high school custodians. They feared the terrible power of the daytime maintenance men. Sherman Starks looked like an earlier version of B.B. King and drove an immaculate blue 1970 Buick Electra 225. Jim Green was an older, more grizzled man with a steel wool mustache and a twinkle in his eye.
Starks wouldn’t say anything without taking a quick look to see if the maintenance men or some white people were listening. He’d laugh without showing his teeth so he wouldn’t get caught.
Jim Green didn’t care who heard him. He talked about prison and how he got there. “Yeah, I killed that sombitch. Then I dug him up and stuck a knife in his heart.”
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters
Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.
Democratic Convention: Everyone Forgot the Potato Salad
Former President Jimmy Carter, comfortable in his new role of elder statesman and hobbyist diplomat, warned on Monday that his fellow Democrats need to “smarten up” and “stop acting like little bitches.”
“Americans want change, prosperity, and international prestige,” said Mr. Carter, who history will remember as being a much better ex-president than president. “Unfortunately, the Democratic leadership sometimes acts like it couldn’t even organize an explosion at a fireworks factory.”
Lower Stories: Howard in Grand Rapids
One day, the cops came in and questioned Howard. They spoke with him for a while and then eventually cuffed him and took him away.
Turns out he owned two Radio Shack franchises. He set up hidden video cameras in the back room of one store, and two or three teenagers working for him recruited dates to the room. Howard provided the booze. Howard had the largest teen porn collection in the Midwest.
Lower Stories: Marion in Mansfield
Marion partied and did a lot of drugs, starting at age eleven. He looked fifty when he was thirty. Marion would steal anything. He lost his right arm and suffered terrible burns on his torso after trying to steal copper wiring from an unoccupied house that still had its power turned on.
Stoned or straight, Marion had a very bad temper. On one occasion, he and Brian were driving to Athens to pick up fifty pounds of weed. They got lost and Marion became so angry he pulled over and made Brian get out of the car. Marion eventually found the house, did the deal, and picked up Brian on the way home.