Weather/Politics
Suspiciously warm… Axis of Evil… Disingenuously chilly… Last gasp of the insurgency… Deliberately foggy… Mission accomplished…
Overheard
“Let’s talk about everything first and then we’ll talk about the other stuff.”
Algorithm
Because you do not have a personal trainer you are fat. Because you’re fat I’m fat and this means our children are fat and our neighbors are fat. But they make velour track suits for us because they’ve heard about you.
Smoke Like a Chimney
Bill successfully smokes like a chimney. Bill’s dog tries to smoke like a “chimenny” but fails. Bill’s dog is given a nicotine patch.
The Meaning of Various Movies to Jeff Johnson (2007)
Young Road (1984)
Patrick Swayze plays “Don,” a hunky, hot-blooded truck stop employee
who must fist fight daily to ensure that his customers have the right
to drive their rigs while intoxicated, receive discreet oral sex from
swarthy Latin men who are dressed as women, and pretend they’re in a
union. Things aren’t much better at home, where Don’s parents have
been butchered by the local sheriff for extreme ugliness. Due to
poverty, Don can’t afford to give them a proper funeral, so the dogs
just sleep on top of the corpses. He also plays older brother to both
Rob Lowe “Cade,” a teenager so stupid that dumb things keep happening
to him, and whom also gets a lot of moms in their Tulsa neighborhood
pregnant, as well as a barely recognizable pubescent Paul Giammatti
“Gary” who dabbles in arson and may or may not have taken the bolts
out of a popular merry go round that even poorer children depend on
for entertainment. Vince Van Patten stars as their nemesis “Giffey” a
rich preppy teen who turns out to be having gay sex with the Senator
who wants to shut down the truck stop. ZERO STARS
Tomorrow’s Hope (1999)
Jessica Tandy stars as a grandmother to Brittney Murphy “Hope,” a
naive girl that no one thinks is particularly beautiful or funny.
Tandy must cope with really awkward feelings when the untalented Hope
tries out for her high school’s Sass Line (a combination Pom Pon +
Krunk unit) but ends up getting stalked by pervy janitor Gordon Jump
“Dutch” who mops most of the hallways at school with a mixture of old
toilet water and his own semen. ZERO STARS
Dinky (1985)
Phil Collins stars as a jewel thief with a cock so small it can pick a
lock. His brother “Louie” Bob Hoskins is married to a poodle that
farts. ONE STAR
Calypso (1997)
Hugh Grant stars as a millionaire douchebag “Oliver” who is cuckolded
by his supermodel wife “Tammy” played by Posh Spice and is given even
more millions in the subsequent divorce settlement. He promptly sinks
the money into a Caribbean bar that has live reggae and stuff. He
hopes to reclaim his dignity by bonding with his subservient colored
employees, but behind his back they agree that he is a fucking
asshole, and when he eventually kills a teenage boy by jet skiing
drunkenly, trying to impress “Vicki” Minnie Driver a cosmetic dentist
from L.A. who is in the midst of a divorce herself and whom sometimes
plays an acoustic guitar on the beach and sings original songs that
have no choruses or bridges–there’s a riot and the town burns down
the tavern, accidentally killing the island’s beloved oldest resident
Patchy, and a cynical drunken Australian ex-pat played by Bryan Brown.
ZERO STARS
Recommended
-Punkrocker (Iggy Pop) – Teddybears
-The Return of the Player – Michael Tolkin
MIKE TOPP HAS A NEW BOOK OUT!!!!!
He likes diamonds and grapefruit juice and hairy-chested men who insist on walking everywhere. You should really buy a copy of SHORTS ARE WRONG. Large format, art by David Berman, William Wegman, and Will Yackulic. Order a copy for $12 from mike_topp@hotmail.com
Recent Reality Shows
Celebrity Death Threat
One-Hour Martinizer
Buy a Condo or Die
Now That a Strange Insect
Now that a strange insect cleans our house the bathroom is the first room I show off when company comes over.
God Ticklish
Say theology scholars
Lemmings Don’t Throw Selves Into Sea
Wooden steps lead down to pleasant beach, scientists find
Mike Topp Reading
The New York poet Mike Topp’s latest book, “Shorts Are Wrong,” is a collection of his writings from the last ten years. On July 29 at 6, he reads and is followed by a performance by Sparrow’s band Foamola. (Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery, between Houston and Bleecker.)
Shorts Are Wrong
New from Unbearable Books: Mike Topp’s Shorts Are Wrong, a scintillating collection of poems, prose, and lists. You can order Shorts Are Wrong right from me. Please send a check or money order for $12 to:
Mike Topp
8 Stuyvesant Oval #8H
New York, NY 10009
I’ll autograph it and won’t hold my breath that you might add some money for postage ($1.41) for this deluxe 128-page book with art by Will Yackulic, William Wegman, and David Berman.
“Just when I think Mike Topp’s poems are funny, they’re wise. Just when I think they’re wise, they’re bad. Just when I think they’re bad, they’re great. Mike Topp’s book is exactly like the world.”
-Eileen Myles
February’s Gone
for like ever.
SASE
Mike Topp
8 Stuyvesant Oval
New York, New York
Advice to Unicorns
Advice to unicorns: Buy zero-coupon municipal bonds, triple-A-rated and insured. That way, even if the city goes under, you get your money.
Curiosa
One of the few things I remember from my medical education classes (I later switched over to nuclear physics) had something to do with whether or not you were supposed to swab an inmate’s arm with alcohol before administering a lethal injection.
Broken/Hurt
I was at home last Wednesday afternoon and I dropped this really valuable vase. And I was really frightened and everything because it was Mom’s favorite vase and there was no way to replace it. I thought it over and remembered that I was playing a record at the same time I dropped it. So I just played the record backwards until the broken vase came together again on the floor and hopped up to my hands.
Mystery President
I took office after Nixon was impeached. I am buried in Grand Rapids if you care to visit my grave.
The Light Bulb
I think man got the idea for the light bulb from those cartoons when someone gets an idea.
Dream
I dreamed I was one of two doctors in a hospital emergency room (the other was a female). A large ex-convict tried to convince us that he had a wooden leg and a real foot. Both of us talked him out of this delusion with a little mild force. We threw his wooden leg away and didn’t report it and that might have cost us our jobs.
Note: When I originally saw the wooden leg on the ex-convict, I tried not to let on that I knew–in fact, I tried to hide it from the woman doctor.
Dream
I dreamed Kpana ate three Twinkies and four Ding Dongs and wasn’t feeling too good.
Dream
I dreamed that William Wegman wrote me a letter:
Dear Mike,
I’m sorry I called you an idiot. I’m not very good at names.
Yours truely,
William Wegman
Dream
I dreamed I was flying a kite in an empty gymnasium except for three people.
Champipple
The only good thing I can think of to say about Champipple (champagne + ripple) is that it made me think that maybe I had been too hard on Sankaccino.
