Say My Name
Tonight at Randalls, my cashier’s name was Crystal Glass.
As I was leaving she said, “Thank you Mr. Pizer.”
Non-anecdote (within a non-series)
Today was to have been the day I hit the ground running, embarking with confidence on renewed schemes to amass Wealth and to promote and create Art.
Twitterflock #1
I probably should have introduced myself before I disrespected her leprosy. I always do that wrong.
Join us at Maid-Rite
I think y’all know how we feel about Maid-Rite. There are some who question the deliciousness of the loose-meat sandwich. They live too far from Greenville, Ohio to savor a real Maid-Rite, so I forgive them. I invite you to come along with us to Maid-Rite.
“Fuck You, Wombats”
“Fuck you, wombats,” was my friend’s IM tag line and the above picture was my response. I later found out that wombat in her social circle, for some mysterious reason, is the code word for “cramps” which makes where I found the picture all the more funny.
Louise Bourgeois
We went up to the Guggenheim today to check out the Louise Bourgeois exhibit.
I was struck - as so many have been before me - by the beauty and pain of her work that followed the death of her father. I did my best to explain to my daughter that she needn’t wait until my untimely demise to find inspiration. She suggested that perhaps I’d flattered myself or something to that effect - I don’t remember, I was only pretending to listen.
After our visit we paid the requisite respects to the Guggenheim café as I’d agreed to mousse, truffles and the like.
My wife ordered a delicate-looking brownie and the girls each went for chocolate cupcakes. When the attendant asked for my order I replied: “I don’t want your Bourgeois dessert.”
I was reminded very quickly of how difficult it can be for most people to appreciate why things are funny to me.
The Boys and the Subway
Just go now:
For the 30-Something
Said not five minutes ago in a continuing conversation about a friend’s engagement: “Weddings are the new divorce.”
Discuss.
And then there was the time
I caught a glimpse of a partially hidden graffito in the men’s room in the building at UT Arlington where the History Dept was housed and, instead of realizing the obvious GO MAVS, the first thing that came to my mind was GO SLAVS.
As a child
I thought that dogs were boys and cats were girls.
the power of because
When people asked to cut in line to use a photo copier the approval rate was 60%. When people asked to cut in line and added a reason — because I’m in a rush — the approval rate jumped to 94%, even when the reason was meaningless: because I need to make copies.
Song — 1000 A.D.
Tyler Cowen, at Marginal Revolution, and Jason Kottke, at kottke.org, recently posed the question, if you found yourself transported to 1000 A.D. what would you do to survive? The comments threads alone are worth their weight in gold, but a young man with the voice of an angel came along and set the whole thing to song. But father, I don’t want large tracts of land.
I did my best to capture as many of the best comments as possible but 3:26 isn’t a huge canvas. I’m particularly sad that I never figured out a way to mention how bad the people must have smelled, or my plan to get rich selling soap.
The Lord is cutting prices
I was just watching a Wal-Mart commercial and heard The Lord instead of Wal-Mart. As in, The Lord has all the products you’ll need for summer. Somehow it sort of worked.
The Meat Truck Carnies
The meat truck carnies are back. They spied me doing a little yoga through the office window before I sat down to work and the rest was on. There was no escaping them. I didn’t buy anything, but I knew I had to listen. That man was out of his truck faster than I could untwine my arms. Today it wasn’t so much about the beef as it was the chicken and seafood. They weren’t the same guys from before, not even probably the same company, but I’m getting to where I enjoy talking to them. What does this say about me?
overheard
A man to his 13 or 14 year-old son, “I know, it’s going to look even more gay, but that’s what your mother wants.”
Y’all? I sold my car.
Danny and I sold a member of our family for 13 years, the 1995 Ford Escort. We sold it to our friends in Des Moines, who have triplets 16 years old. It’s going to be the boys’ car. They also share a Lumina. “Not a great girl magnet,” was the comment of one of my co-workers. “Still,” I said. “They’re all handsome. And they’re musicians. I don’t think cars will stand in the way of their romantical endeavors.”
hey assholes
June 20th is the happiest day of the year.
from the contact form
Barry Kwok writes:
On a hot summer day, Barry went to the said beach with his family thinking of having a cool dip in water. However, Barry admired Bruce Lee, the greatest Kung Fu fighter and martial arts movie star in the world, he was eager to have a tanned complexion like Bruce so he spent 4 hours lying on the beach enjoying the burning sunbath without applying suntan lotion to his body. It was really a painful experience to him. A few days later, Meaco, his younger sister, who was ten-year old then, took 90 minutes to peel off from his chest the largest skin in the world (8.5 x 4 inches) off my chest with her hands (without using any equipment) in the shape of a China map representing Hong Kong residents are patriots and very much longing for returning the sovereignty to the mainland China. The feeling is so warm, which seems like an adopted child having a reunion with his bioparents. The skin specimen has carefully been kept in a stamp album for more than 27 years and will be passed from generation to generation.
Gasoline prices
- Temecula, CA, Sunday: $4.399
- San Diego, CA, Wednesday: $4.499 (seen, but not purchased)
- Yuma, AZ, Wednesday: $4.099
- Benson, AZ, Thursday: $3.979
- El Paso, TX, Thursday: $3.899
Y’all
Today a lady with shingles called my office to get help weighing her gray African parrot. True story.
Of Beavers, and a Curious Simile
This recollection harkens back to a time years ago, when I had a professional (and genuine) interest in exploring and documenting the history and culture of the Land Between the Rivers (southernmost Illinois, that is to say — not Mesopotamia-as-was). A couple of my fellow explorers were over on the Ohio River side of the region, seeking out something or another of historical significance (as I recall, evidence of the so-called Hopewell Culture).
And they came back and told me of their adventures.
“And then — ,” she said, “we heard something that sounded like people were throwing refrigerators into the water.
“It was beavers.”
Alien Encounter
Yesterday Our Man on the Road, Cooper Renner, continued his southern California odyssey: from the Palm Springs area to San Diego by way of the city of Temecula.
During Jon’s and my wandering-in-the-desert year, we drove a 1966 Chevy Impala we called the Desertmobile. It was in Temecula that we were stopped by a state trooper who asked whether we had aliens in the trunk.
fyi
Exploding bottles of olive oil aren’t good for anything.
Does anybody know how to get oil stains out of grout?
Dear Clusterflock,
It’s real hot and sticky this weekend—too sticky to move out of the airstream of the fan—so I’ve been sitting on the couch rereading Mighty Maggie Mason’s (months-old) lists of 100 Things Worth Doing (parts 2, 3, 4) and 100 Things to Do Before I Go (parts 2, 3, 4).
And so, of course, I’ve also started making my own lists. It’s fun but surprisingly difficult—at least the “to do” part. Apparently I’m not very good at setting goals: I’ve got twice as many dones as to dos so far, and I can assure you that that is not because I’m a stellar overachiever.
Read more
Speaking of Anger Problems
At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain’s hair and said, “You’re getting a little thin up there.” McCain’s face reddened, and he responded, “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.” McCain’s excuse was that it had been a long day.
See the Raw Story piece here.