It’s the little things
What’s the Election iPhone app (itunes link) saying?
Mary Carillo is Wonderful
Olympic Commenter Mary Carillo is sort of saucy and wonderful.
She has also long been known for her quick wit and pointed sense of humor. During her playing days, she was once asked whether she thought Renée Richards, a transsexual, should be allowed to play on the women’s pro tour. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” Carillo said. “So what if she’s Jewish?”
Dear Clusterflock….
The Frat Pack (Ben Stiller, The Wilson Brothers, Vince Vaughn, etc….) vs. The Apatow People (Judd, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, etc….)
I Remembered Another Joke!
A doctor walks into a bank to cash a check. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
“Oh, great,” he says. “Some asshole’s got my pen.”
meh.
the bentley hummer
Booze and Cards
Speaking of double entendre….
A guy walks into a bar and says:
“Bartender, I’d like to see about a drink and a friendly card game. Mind pointing me in the right direction?”
Bartender says:
“Sure, buddy. Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.”
I pull it out when it seems appropriate
There’s this [insert an individual from your favorite misaligned minority] guy who is hitchhiking along side the freeway. A Cadillac passes, then slows and stops. The guy runs up, gets in. “Hey, man, thanks.” he says. After a while, the guy says, “Hey, you know I couldn’t help noticing all the antennas on your car.”
“Yeah,” says the driver, “I got to keep in touch. You see that one on the right front fender?”
“Yeah?” says the guy.
“I can talk all over the city on that one. You see the one on the left front fender?”
“Yeah?” says the guy.
“I can talk all over the county on that one. You see the one on the back right fender?”
“Yeah?” says the guy.
“I can talk all over the state on that one. You see the one on the back left fender?”
“Yeah?” says the guy.
“I can talk all over the country on that one. You see the real tall one on the roof?”
“Yeah?” says the guy.
“I can talk all over the world on that one.”
“You know?” Says the guy. “I do anything to be able to talk to my mother in [name your favorite misaligned Eastern European country, from which this individual comes] I haven’t talked to her in years.”
“You’d do anything, hunh?” says the driver.
“Yes.”
The driver unzips his pants, takes out his cock, and says, “OK, get with it.”
The guy leans over, takes the driver’s cock in his hand, bends down… Read more
Succinct
Baby seal walks into a club.
The reason I’m so unladylike
This is the kind of joke we heard at the dinner table when I was a kid:
A guy is looking through the ads in the back of the paper and he sees one from the zoo that says, “Healthy man needed to mate with albino gorilla. $1,000.” So he calls up the zoo people and says, “Hello, I’m calling about your ad? The one about mating with the albino gorilla?” They’re very happy to hear from him, as he’s the only person who’s called. So he says, “Yes, I can do it, but on three conditions.” Sure, of course, what are the conditions?
“1. No kissing on the mouth.
2. The kids have to be raised Catholic.*
3. You’ll have to give me a couple of weeks to come up with the money.”
I’m telling you, the Average vs. Olympics video is much funnier.
* Sorry, I heard this joke so long ago that it was a Polish joke at the time. Adjust to suit your local conditions.
joke
Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Joke: Three Cowboys Sitting Around a Campfire (Semi-NSFW)
This is one of my favorite jokes. It really can’t be told out loud as you need the surprise from reading it:
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire. The youngest cowboy says, “Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.”
Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, “That’s nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth.”
The third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
A Joke About Three Rats ( NSFW )
Three rats are sitting at a bar bragging about how tough they are. The first rat says “Guys, I’m the toughest. I use the mousetrap bar for arm strengthening”. The second rat says “Guys, I’m the toughest. I eat D-CON for breakfast”. The third rat quietly gets up and starts to leave the bar. The first two ask him where he’s going, to which he replies, “I’m going home to fuck the cat”.
Tell a Joke (NSFW)
A priest and a minister go golfing.
On the first hole, the priest goes to putt, and the ball narrowly misses the hole, so he says “Shit, fuck, damn! I missed!” The minister, stunned, looks to the priest and says “There’s no need for that kind of language.”
On the next hole, the priest once again narrowly misses, and, again, he says “Shit, fuck, damn! I missed!” The minister says “I don’t think the Lord would appreciate that kind of language.” The priest shrugs him off and says “If God doesn’t like it, he can strike me dead.”
On the next hole, the priest once again misses, and, again, he says “Shit, fuck, damn! I missed!”
All of a sudden, the clouds roll in, the skies get dark, and a bolt of lightning comes down and strikes the minister dead. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the sky saying, “Shit, fuck, damn! I missed!”
A Cold-War (Military Industrial) Joke
Okay, so there’s this US Air Force base, and the general in command is a nutcase obsessed with the commie threat against our precious bodily fluids. And, acting on his own authority, he just up and orders bombers to the Soviet Union absent any provocation. This is serious shit. You can imagine the possibilities. Everything is at sixes and sevens, and the fate of the world is at stake. The base is incommunicado, so the President goes so far as to order US army troops to attack the base, even though the guys on the base are “our boys”, and to put the commander in touch. All hell breaks loose.
Old
A women walks into a bar and asks the guy behind the counter for a double entendre.
So the bartender gives her one.
Aristocrates (very NSFW)
I warned you, NSFW. Seriously.
A Joke for English Majors
A man, a plan, a radar.
My Favorite Joke
This is the second time I’ve told this joke on clusterflock, but it bears repeating.
A salesman and his girlfriend for the evening are at a fancy club in Las Vegas, where Frank Sinatra is scheduled to perform. The guy manages to get back stage prior to the show to talk to Frank. He introduces himself and explains that he’s going to propose to his girlfriend that night at the club, and it would really, really help him out if Frank pretended to know him. Frank is feeling generous and agrees to stop by his table. So as Frank finishes his first set, he walks over and says, “Hey, Mike, it’s been a long time. How’s it goin’?”
Mike looks up, martini in hand. ”Fuck off, Frank.”
Tell a Joke, II
A woman visited her doctor about a bee sting that she got while golfing. The doctor inquired where she was stung. “Between the first and second hole,” said the woman.
Replied the doc, “You must have a really wide stance.”
Hey, hey! Is this thing on?
You see, there are these two tourists walking along the beach in Hawaii. And they are discussing the proper pronunciation of the word ‘Hawaii’. One of them is like, “The authentic pronunciation is Havai’i. I’m certain of it.” And the other is like, “That’s ridiculous. How come I haven’t heard of this?” So the other is like, “Well, let’s ask a local.” And the other is all, “Ok, then.”
So they see a guy walking toward them and he has the beachy je-ne-sais-quoi that says to the tourists… this is the guy to ask. Ok, the one guy says, “Excuse me. We’re having a little disagreement about the pronunciation of the name of this state. Is it Hawaii or Havai’i ?” And the guy says, “It’s pronounced Havai’i.” And the one who feels all vindicated and whatnot is like, “See! I told you! Thank you, sir. Thanks a lot!” And the local guy says, ”You’re velcome.”
Tell a Joke
Inspired by Kathy’s post, I propose we tell jokes today on clusterflock. Instead of putting your jokes into the comments here, create a new post with your joke. If you don’t blog at clusterflock, you can use the Christopher Walken account.
I’ll start:
Two farmers are driving down a road. They see a dog licking his balls. One farmer turns to the other farmer and says, “Man, I wish I could do that”.
The other farmer says, “That dog would bite you”.
Alternate: “I think you should pet him first.”
Dear clusterflock
Who remembers this great punchline: “Two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”
Anyone?
By the way, super big welcome Amanda Mae Jandek!
mother ducker
Two ducks are swimming on a lake. One duck says to the other duck, “Quack. Quack.” The other duck looks at him and says, “I was just about to say that!”
(thanks, Jonathan)
it’s only — a year — a-way!
Y’all. We’re a year away from clusterflockstock.