Dear Clusterflock
Have you adopted any clusterflockisms–turns of phrase or funny lines that originated here, and that you now use in conversation?
This came to mind this weekend, as I remembered Aaron’s observation that a particular cooking show seems “two Christmases away from blowing its head off.” This is a clusterflockism of the highest form, one that I find to be very useful.
spoiler alert
The Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza notes that an ad proclaiming “McCain wins debate!” was already running on the Wall Street Journal’s Web site Friday morning. (A screen shot of the page can be seen here.) The reader who tipped Cillizza also saw a second ad that contained a quote from McCain campaign manager Rick Davis: “McCain won the debate — hands down.”
via Salon
What really got me rolling was the leg lift.
The battery charges related to the flatulent assualt have been dropped:
As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and “passed gas loudly,” the complaint said.
Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint alleged.
Y’all
Because of all the time I have spent on clusterflock I will forever read “pop culture” as “poop culture.”
and there was much rejoicing
A federal study of an X-ray alternative to colonoscopies confirms its effectiveness at spotting most cancers. Medicare is already considering paying for this cheaper, less intrusive option that could persuade more people to get screened for colon cancer. In the study, the largest of its kind, the “virtual colonoscopy” identified 9 out of 10 people who had cancers and large growths seen by regular colonoscopies. But the X-ray test’s real value may be in showing who really needs a regular colonoscopy — it was better at ruling cancer out than it was at detecting it, suggests the report in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine. Colonoscopies cost up to $3,000. The X-ray test costs $300 to $800. from the NY Times
inconceivable
A disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporter named — ready? — Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild is endorsing John McCain because Barack Obama is an “elitist”.
Forester is the CEO of EL Rothschild, a holding company with businesses around the world. She is married to international banker Sir Evelyn de Rothschild. Forester is a member of the DNC’s Democrats Abroad chapter and splits her time living in London and New York.
you’ve got to be shitting me
(thanks, Rob)
Statistics
Do you ever find yourself wondering about bizarre statistics that would be impossible to compile? I mean, sometimes I’ll find myself wondering about things like: How many people have died while sitting on the toilet, relative to how many people have died while engaged in sexual intercourse. Then of course pesky complications arise: How many people have died having intercourse while seated (or standing) on a toilet?
I have a sprained ankle
And it really fucking sucks. I’d like to give a big shout-out to the clumsy hack who came three feet under the net last night so I could land on his foot after coming down from a block. Thanks man!
And another thing
Have Some Chicken Fried Bacon, Y’all
That’s right–the State Fair of Texas is gearing up again.
poop faster
Chewing gum helps you poop after colon surgery.
They found patients who chewed gum took an average of 1.1 fewer days to have a bowel movement compared with non-chewers.
Gum chewing is thought to act as a kind of “sham feeding,” stimulating nerves in the digestive system, triggering the release of gastrointestinal hormones and increasing the production of saliva and secretions from the pancreas.
Bowl of Blueberries
Diaroogle
It’s for the discerning, on-the-go defecator who is brave enough to use a public bathroom, but still demands a hygienic and private bathroom experience. It is also a community authored database of New York toilets.
Here is the link if you need to go.
Complex S(expletive)
Sometimes, I’m in love with the world.
A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.
Schoolboys and farting
I was perusing my favourite dictionary this morning while doing 300 crunches to make my abs look awesome, and came across this gem:
randle (răn’dəl) - n. a nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend.
What a cool freaking word! So I immediately postponed my crunches and consulted my OED to find out more… but nothing. Nothing more on the internet either—just amateur dictionaries that have the same definition word for word.
RATS! I want to know if the nonsense poem has specific words or any nonsensical uttering will do. Am I allowed to rip one into the face of my good pal and then recite Jabberwocky and everything will be hunky-dory again? Also, why would this randle placate the poor feller who has just been farted upon? It would have to be a pretty awesome poem to keep me from wailing on my assailant.
Dear Clusterflock
If you’ve made a significant career change in your life, how did it go?
Dear Deron
Please stop all of this silly work and come back to clusterflock, where you belong. We miss you.
What Cindy just Said
Suck my Loch Ness.
The search for Cindy’s Loch Ness poop
No poop, but I found this:
With the weekend upon us, someone will find this information useful.
Dear clusterflock
I’m changing the subject.
Poop (that always works)
Stool Doody
So I work a little part-time job a couple days a week (at a library), and today I was told I was on “stool duty,” which my (equivalent of an eleven year old’s) brain basically hears as “poop poopy*,” so in celebration of that, I give you the latest in the world of poop:
- Democratic Convention May Debut Use of Poop Gun
It’s basically like the sick-sticks in Minority Report, except it works in the, uhh, other direction. - Bird Poop Facials
No, not that kind of facials. The other kind of facials. You pervert. - Teacher Receives Grant for Alternative Fuel Source Project
The source? Worm poop and sugar beets. My mom used to make a nice worm poop and sugar beets casserole for Sunday dinner. Ahh, those were the days… - Spraying It Pink—The Latest Scheme To Tackle Dog Fouling
Because dying the poop pink will apparently embarrass dog owners into cleaning up after their pets? Really? The secondary purpose, it seems, is to help people avoid stepping in the doo. Of course, whoever’s painting the turds could probably use that time cleaning them up, no?
*I’d try to explain what it really meant, but it’s just not worth the effort of contextualization for our purposes.
poop sign
Load-a-Month Club
You know, what I would really like for father’s day is a dump truck load of compost. And maybe a load of lava sand, a load of gravel, a load of composted cow manure. Load of cypress mulch and a load of edging stone blocks…. Oh–and each load should come with a squad of well paid day laborers who also like to take breaks and drink beer in the shade.
From Poop to Produce
I simply had to link to this based solely on the sub-headline. And, actually, because I really was curious:
How can salmonella, a bacterium that normally lives inside animal intestines, get on your tomatoes?
Manure, runoff, and wild animals.