In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah
Everything changed the night I saw Sarah speak at the Republican National Convention. I was captivated by her passion, her perkiness, her adorably flat accent. Wouldn’t I just love to hear her say my name — to call me her own special “bad guy”? You betcha.
I have already composed a list of nearly three hundred catch phrases and special little pet-names we can use to ignite exchanges of whispers, giggles, and knowing looks with each other. I can’t wait.
Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers
Washington, DC — Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history’s dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush’s current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
“The Administration’s handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush’s credibility,” senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. “It’s like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football.”
“Talking Points” Caribou Barbie™
“Talking Points” Caribou Barbie™ from antichrista on Vimeo.
New “Talking Points” Caribou Barbie™ repeats phrases at random–you never know what she’ll say next! Doll really talks with eyes that move.* Includes hunting rifle, moose carcass, Bible and every single newspaper–Caribou Barbie™ reads them all! Rape kit sold separately. By GOP.
*Eyes move, but do not blink.
Miley Cyrus Fires Disney
“It seemed like we were doing our job and getting along with Miley,” said Disney senior spokesdwarf, Obvious. “Now we’re hurt, angry, and confused. We’d like to punch her in the throat but she is just so damned cute.”
Tensions between Ms. Cyrus and Disney had been escalating for months amid rumors of the teen phenom agreeing to appear in a cheesy cinematic adaptation of a cheesy Nicholas Sparks novel, and as a young Carrie Bradshaw in the highly anticipated Sex and the City prequel, Heavy Petting and the City.
Poll: McCain Old and White, Obama Young and Black
“We accumulate plenty of raw data,” said thirty-year veteran statistician Nelson Temple of Scranton, PA, “even when we don’t embroider reality with made up bullshit. The tough part is making sense of it.”
“This week,” he continued, “49% of those surveyed indicate Governor Sarah Palin is not as hot as they first thought, yet 47% are convinced she is hotter than ever. With a 3% margin of error, what am I supposed to do with that?”
Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say
New York, NY — It’s never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America’s 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.
The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency — casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.
Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet
Some of the most prominent and glamorous celebrities are now forced to order their domestic staff to serve frozen creamed orphan on toast points or canned poached breast of bald eagle instead of fresh.
Meanwhile, average Americans who are not famous or popular or attractive are subsisting on diets of wienie water, dust bunnies, and grass clippings.
Particle Collider Successful, Watermelons Next
Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?
“The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure,” project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. “We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap.”
There’s a Party in My Pants
Wednesday, September 3
11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills — and strong hands like a farmer’s wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.
Jon Stewart: the gender card
Nude Photos Sidetrack McCain Campaign
The 2008 Republican National Convention has had its share of twists and turns so far.
Much like Mr. McCain’s sluggish White House bid, hurricane Gustav launched itself upon the United States with less force than predicted. Many RNC events and speakers were postponed or cancelled in anticipation of Katrina v2.0 — including plans for Ms. Palin to pop out of a comically large cake while clad in a skimpy swimsuit.
Experienced observers of jacked-up elections admit that Ms. Palin might not be hot enough to ride out the ever-growing storm of criticism that surrounds her, leaving the embattled Mr. McCain no option except to throw her under the wheels of his “Straight Talk Express” bus.
Clusterdouche, Redesigned! Huzzah!
One of my favorite sites. I’ve linked to them before. These guys are the happy warriors in the campaign against douchebaggery. Spiffy facelift and lots of new content. Not for the faint of heart or anyone who thinks the Earth is less than 5,000 years old.
Catering the Rapture
Special Report — I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There’s no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters
Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.
Democratic Convention: Everyone Forgot the Potato Salad
Former President Jimmy Carter, comfortable in his new role of elder statesman and hobbyist diplomat, warned on Monday that his fellow Democrats need to “smarten up” and “stop acting like little bitches.”
“Americans want change, prosperity, and international prestige,” said Mr. Carter, who history will remember as being a much better ex-president than president. “Unfortunately, the Democratic leadership sometimes acts like it couldn’t even organize an explosion at a fireworks factory.”
Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High
“We’ve all met people we like at first,” Mr. Plouffe continued, “but after a little while they get on our nerves, never return DVDs, constantly mooch money and food, and increase the tax on capital gains. Senator Obama prefers to avoid that shift in perception. He wants to be remembered as being one of the most charismatic and exciting candidates of all time.”
I Told You So What
There I was last weekend, trying on my fancy clothes for the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions, when the news crackled in over the shortwave: Russia had invaded Georgia. My first thought was, “Clever bastards; I always thought they would come in through Florida.” My second thought was, “What took them so long?”
I suppose the defenders’ resistance has been fierce — everyone in that part of the U.S. is heavily armed — but those folks are going to need some help. Maybe we should airlift a couple million pounds of ground beef into the combat zone. That will stop those Bolsheviks in their tracks. E. coli O157:H7 or litigation, whatever it takes. There are almost 1.4 million lawyers in metropolitan Atlanta. Bloody stools and compensatory damages.
Mr. Pride
It really makes a whole lot more sense now.
The Chinese Human Rights Olympics
Despite China’s massive build-up in anticipation of a huge tourism influx — and under the glare of intensified news media coverage — the Communist regime is also receiving criticism for its endemic oppression, corruption, and hard-to-pronounce surnames.
Not to worry, according to Xiao-Xing Jixu Zhang, the PDRC’s head of Olympic planning.
“Our official policy is to politely ignore negative comments about our methods,” said the faceless bureaucrat, “although in reality we would love to round up all of those trash-talking foreign journalists, throw them in prison, shoot them, and sell their organs to hospitals.”
Pentagon Ends Tactical Fighter Leasing Program
Ordnance leasing became popular during the military boom years of the Eighties and early Nineties, thanks to turmoil in war-torn regions like Lebanon, Serbia, and Detroit. This strife created an unrealistic demand for capable weapons of mass destruction — a demand that has ultimately led to today’s unsustainably poor depreciation and low used-warhead resale values.
The World Writes an Open Letter to John McCain
“Ordinarily we do not interfere in America’s internal affairs,” said a spokesman for the rest of the planet, “even when it has become clear, as in recent years, that American voters are about to elect ignorant, incoherent buffoons who will add immeasurably to our immiseration. But this time is different. We didn’t think it was worth our while to step up for your Carter or Mondale or Dukakis or Gore or Kerry — besides, we’d only be bombed or invaded for our trouble. But this time, I mean, come on — you’ve got to be kidding me, right? Please tell me you’re kidding.”
Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List
Mr. Novak was cited for failing to yield, a charge he angrily dismissed.
“I don’t yield and I never back down,” the syndicated political columnist and cockfighting hobbyist told the reflection in his shaving mirror Thursday. “Unless, of course, I change my mind or come up with a better story. That sort of thing.”
British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney
Ms. Winehouse’s acclaim could not have come at a better time for the sultry, beehived songstress, whose husband Blake Fielder-Civil received on the same day a twenty-seven month prison sentence for his June, 2006 conviction on dual charges of beating a Hoxton pub landlord and attempting to smoke a wicker chair.
While worldwide support for Ms. Winehouse has ebbed and flowed — depending upon her daily batshit-crazy antics — the devotion of her UK media fan base reflects traditional British values of loyalty, perseverance, and clinging tenaciously to lost causes.
McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge
“My friends — and I truly think of all of you as friends — listen up,” Mr. McCain told supporters and press. “The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak.”
“I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that,” he continued in a strident, nasally voice, “even if I clearly can’t tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni.”