Happy Fourth Y’all
The Gubler
It’s hard to explain precisely what this is, but I find it beyond brilliant. Matthew Gray Gubler is an actor, mostly known for his work on the TV show Criminal Minds. He made a series of documentaries about his life, and presented them as if someone else had made them. They are strange, and hilarious. The first one’s all right, but as they go on, they get better and better. More after the jump.
Spoken in Tongues II
To etot oe
Dan cingve ryclose
Bar elybre at hing
Alm ostco mato se
Wall tow all
Pe opleh yp not ised
Andt heyres teppin glightly
Han geach nigh tinrapt ure
Backt ob ack
Sac rail iac
Spin elessmo vement
An dawil dat tack
Facet of ace
Sad lyso litu de
An ditsfin gerpop ping
Twen tyf our hours hop pin ginrapt ure
Fabfi vefred diet old meeve ryb odyshigh
Djs spinninares avin mym ind
Flas hisfast flas hi scool
Franco issez fas flas henodo
Andy oudont stopsu reshot
Goo uttot hepar king lot
Andy ouget inyo urca randy oudri vereal far
Andy oudri ve allnigh tandt hen youse ealight
And itco mesright dow nand land sont heg round
And outco mesam anfrom mars
Andy outry tor unbut hesgo tagun
Andhes hootsyo udea dan dhee atsyou rhead
Andt hen you reint hem anfrom mars
Yo ugo outat nigh teatinc ars
Youe atcad il lacslinc olnstoo
Mercu rie sand suba rus
Andy oudont stopy oukeepo neat incars
The nwhent her esnomo recars
Yougo outat nigh tandea tupbars wher ethepe opleme et
Facet of ace dan ceche ektoche ek
Onet oonem antom an
Dan ceto etot oe
Dontmo vetoos low causet hem anfrom mars
Isth rough with carsh esea tinbars
Ye ahwall towall do ortodo or hall toh all
Hesgon nae at emall
Rapt ureb epu re
Takeat ourth rough thesewer
Donts train yo urb rain pain tatrain
Yo ullbe sin gin int herain
Isa id donts top dop unkrock
Wellno wyous eew hatyo uwan nabe
Jus thav eyo urpar tyon tv
Ca use them anfrom mars wonteat upbar swhen thetv son
Andno whesgo neback uptos pace
Wher ehew ontha veahass lewith thehum anra ce
And youhi phopand yo udonts top
Just blas toffs ures hot
Ca uset hem anfrom mars stoppe deat incar sand eatin bars
Andno wheon lyeats guitarsge tup
Deluxe Hugs $2.00
(via marginal revolution)
I don’t get it
It’s one thing that conservatives don’t know that Stephen Colbert is satire; it’s entirely another to suggest that the show proves confirmation bias in both conservatives and liberals.
This study investigated biased message processing of political satire in The Colbert Report and the influence of political ideology on perceptions of Stephen Colbert. Results indicate that political ideology influences biased processing of ambiguous political messages and source in late-night comedy. Using data from an experiment (N = 332), we found that individual-level political ideology significantly predicted perceptions of Colbert’s political ideology. Additionally, there was no significant difference between the groups in thinking Colbert was funny, but conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said while liberals were more likely to report that Colbert used satire and was not serious when offering political statements. Conservatism also significantly predicted perceptions that Colbert disliked liberalism. Finally, a post hoc analysis revealed that perceptions of Colbert’s political opinions fully mediated the relationship between political ideology and individual-level opinion.
Don’t forget to say your prayers.
Chapel. American military base. Gournes, Crete. iPhone. Phil Bebbington. 2009.
Hello . . . I told you never to call me here; don’t you know where I am?
The World Needs More of This Kind o’ Irony
Midlife Banking Crisis
If I “borrow” something from you, at the time I receive it I really, really intend to give it back. It’s still yours — you’ll simply never see it again. When I ask my next-door neighbor if I can use his Husqvarna chainsaw, I always, well, almost never, return it. “Stealing” denotes acquisition through violence or sneakiness; “borrowing” is defined by unreasonable expectations of repatriation.
Excerpts from the Future Testimony of Harriet Miers and Karl Rove
MS. MIERS: I have no recollection of that conversation.
MR. ROVE: Could you repeat the question, Congressman?
MS. MIERS: I don’t remember.
MR. ROVE: Are you referring to the first President Bush or the second?
Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It
The past thirty days have not been my best. It’s hard to focus on my work, or even on the possible reasons why I might not be able to focus on my work. Everything I eat tastes like aspirin and chalk. I can’t digest food or important information.
Brush Off the Fuzz and Dig In
Special Report — Today’s special: salmonella ‘n’ jelly sandwiches and tainted milk. Your choice of side dish includes cultured mayonnaise rind, fruit roll-up kimchee, or refrigerator-blackened cherry tomatoes.
Is the nation’s food supply at risk or are people just belly-aching?
You’re Full of It, Says Manure Industry
New York, NY — What a load. Hits the fan. Runs downhill. A lying sack of it.
Enough is enough, according to manure processors and resellers. Image is everything when it comes to marketplace perceptions, and the much-maligned poop business has decided to litigate for respect if it can’t earn it.
“It’s impossible to turn on the TV or use a computer without being bombarded by flawed examples harmful to our hard-earned brand equity,” Manure Trade Association president Raymond Tonewell said in a press release. “Gov. Rod Blagojevich, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, indicted broker Bernard Madoff — calling one of these guys ‘the biggest pile of feces’ damages our product’s reputation.”
Today’s lesson . . .
is taken from the film version of The Ruling Class. Excerpts (assorted).
Unreleased Songs and Forgotten “B” Sides
“March of the Damned” — John Philip Sousa
“Razor Blades, Broken Glass, and Model Airplane Glue” — Alison Krauss
“That’s Not a Roll of Quarters in My Pocket, Darling” — Irving Berlin
The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow
Special Report — I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch’s pale luminescence reveals the intruder’s identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.
I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.
Somali Pirates’ Suicides Confound Naval Forces
An international flotilla of warships has gathered to put an end to the cutthroats’ high-spirited shenanigans but has so far failed to make much impression on the maritime hijackings.
American, British, French, German, Indian, Russian, and Chinese warships are among the naval forces that have assembled to stop the pirates’ self-destructive tendencies, but with limited effect.
“If saving these poor scoundrels from themselves means losing few million tons of freight,” said Canadian Navy Vice Admiral Bruce Allen Haye, “then that’s just a small price we’re willing to pay again and again and again.”
Another contribution
from Miss Clack:
“Once self-supported by conscience, once embarked on a career of manifest usefulness, the true Christian never yields. Neither public nor private influences produce the slightest effect on us, when we have once got our mission. Taxation may be the consequence of a mission; riots may be the consequence of a mission; wars may be the consequence of a mission: we go on with our work, irrespective of every human consideration which moves the world outside us. We are above reason; we are beyond ridicule; we see with nobody’s eyes, we hear with nobody’s ears, we feel with nobody’s hearts, but our own. Glorious, glorious privilege! And how is it earned? Ah, my friends, you may spare yourselves the useless inquiry! We are the only people who can earn it–for we are the only people who are always right.”
(p. 227, The Moonstone, Oxford World’s Classics edition 1999)
(Miss Clack is a version of mid-19th century English evangelicalism.)
The Moonstone (1868), Wilkie Collins
“I sat down in the hall to wait for my answer–and, having always a few tracts in my bag, I selected one which proved to be quite providentially applicable to the person who answered the door. The hall was dirty, and the chair was hard; but the blessed consciousness of returning good for evil raised me quite above any trifling considerations of that kind. The tract was one of a series addressed to young women on the sinfulness of dress. In style it was devoutly familiar. Its title was, ‘A Word With You On Your Cap-Ribbons.’
Chronically Indigent Resent Influx of Nouveau Poor
Experts on sociological stereotypes insist the majority of beggars, bums, and homeless people live in poverty because of personal preference.
“Most of them are alcoholics, drug users, insane, or just plain lazy,” said Dr. Diane Reba Guzman, Dean of Socializing and Socialism Studies at CUNY’s Hunter College. “I mean, seriously, why else would you want to live like that?”
Mr. Baxter, a retired New York City councilman, refuted Dr. Guzman’s characterization.
“I’m a social drinker,” he said while stuffing a crumpled Wall Street Journal into his tattered Members Only jacket. “Society depresses me, so I drink.”
Grilling in the Dark
Excerpts from an Unfinished Detective Story:
He was a chalk outline waiting for a place to happen.
I had roused myself and gotten ready extra-early that morning. A four o’clock shadow now covered my face like cigarette ashes on a dinner plate.
“As much as I hate my life,” she said over her shoulder, “I hate your life even more.”
Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously
An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go “bleep” themselves.
Although such enthusiastic support for onanistic love comes during the twilight of his public service career, the Wyoming Republican was quick to reiterate his “unimpeachable zeal for the rule of law.”
Accidental Life and Dismemberment
My present circumstances above ground are very pleasant. I’m not far from my bunker’s entrance, so no worries on that account. I have my computer, a backup computer, my shortwave radio, and all the fresh latkas and sour cream I can eat, which is a lot. Everything else is stored below, warehoused for whatever follows the Pre-Post-Apocalypse.
You surface-dwellers don’t appreciate what you have up here, which is probably why you flirt with losing it. Clove-scented wood fires and the distant rumble of dumpster thunder. Feral cats. Moonlight so bright that it casts hard shadows. When did you stop looking at the moon?
Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006
“There’s valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day,” said Google Inc.’s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. “Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical ‘news’ blogs.”
“Fake news bloggers are the worst,” Mr. Humes added. “The half-baked stories and made-up quotes — who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they’re like big douchebags full of crap.”
Graphic Artists Edited by Recession, Nepotism
“CEOs and managers used to doodle concepts on napkins and Post-it notes and send them to the art department for refinement,” said panic-decision expert Norm Delahaye. “Nowadays, the original thumbnail sketches are simply scanned and published — with no apologies and no regrets.”
“An art degree and five dollars will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks,” Mr. Delahaye continued, “which is where a lot of displaced visual stylists are going to end up working.”
overheard conversation and M. de La Rochefoucauld
Girl 1: …and I’d get lifts there regularly with this, like, bloke, from… but then later this bloke, like he’s older, and I think he’s getting, you know, and I think… well, he’s sort of middle aged and, anyway, you know what, he’s killed in a car crash next week. It’s so funny [she actually laughs and her friend laughs too], I mean, it’s like, you know, but it’s really funny [more laughter from both]. Of course I don’t, like, get the lifts now…