President-Elect Obama: I Wasn’t Serious
Chicago, IL — The election of America’s first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.
Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning “for a hundred years, if that’s what it takes.”
McCain VP Hot Pick is Hot Chick
Elected in 2006 as governor of a state that has a population density lower than outer space, the former basketball player and beauty queen acquired the nickname “Sarah Barracuda” for her competitive ferocity in pageant competitions.
This sexiest bright hope of conservatives once kilt a grizzly with her bare hands, and was awarded the mayoralty of Wasilla, one of Alaska’s least-amusingly named cities, as first prize for winning the famous Iditarod dogsled race in 1996.
The Chinese Human Rights Olympics
Despite China’s massive build-up in anticipation of a huge tourism influx — and under the glare of intensified news media coverage — the Communist regime is also receiving criticism for its endemic oppression, corruption, and hard-to-pronounce surnames.
Not to worry, according to Xiao-Xing Jixu Zhang, the PDRC’s head of Olympic planning.
“Our official policy is to politely ignore negative comments about our methods,” said the faceless bureaucrat, “although in reality we would love to round up all of those trash-talking foreign journalists, throw them in prison, shoot them, and sell their organs to hospitals.”
